**This post is really a personal message for a select few people. Bio Girl will be back to its random normalness in the next day or so. For now, there were just some things I needed to get off my chest. **
You know when something happens, something large that really changes you. Sometimes that thing is because of a single person. The event marks an exact moment in your life, a moment that will be looked back on and referred to as a change in who you are. When this event is sparked by a single person, a person who you have done something to, or who as done something to you, then you (or at least I) commonly think of how you would handle seeing this person again. What would you say? How would you act? I had just such a moment this weekend.
Actually, the moment was enhanced by the fact that there was not one of these people there, but rather two. You know...and they were together. This makes the words that you have been wanting to say, the closure that you need, much harder. The different things I would have said at different times over the months and years since we have last spoken came back to me. All the things I really would like to say. When I decided to get up and walk out, I wasn't sure if I would stop, but once I got close to them, the need to get out of the situation was too strong. I gave a small smile, a little wave, and I went home.
I have thought about this all weekend. I keep telling myself that really, there were no words that need to be said. We have all moved on. But I just keep feeling like I lost a chance. This opportunity to say things I needed to get out. Not because I am bitter or angry, but just because. So, here is what I should have said. Here is what I never could actually say, but I can sure has hell write it out...on my blog that I know they read. Just to get it out there. Just for closure. Just so I don't feel like I missed the opportunity I had been thinking about for two years.
An Open Letter to my Ex-Friends:
First I want to talk to you. No, not you. I know you thought you would of course be first, but this may actually be more important for me to say. I am honestly so sorry for what happened between us. I don't think I ever knew exactly how sorry until the exact same thing happened to me. What a shitty thing to do to someone. We had our differences and we had our problems and I am not saying that we were destined to stay best friends forever, but it never should have ended the way it did. People grow up and sometimes they just grow apart. It was not my place to lay all the issues on the table and then walk away without giving you a chance. Some of our issues were between us, they were personal and real. Others were simply decisions that I did not agree with, but honestly decisions that were in no way mine to take control of. Our silent disagreements killed us. Conversations that should have been face to face, rather than behind each others backs. I am truly sorry to have hurt you. I really hope you are happy. You look happy on your blog...and you make me laugh. When I read it I always remember why we were friends, and how much I did love you.
Now, to you. I honestly do not have any of those same feelings about our situation. Do you? I can say that I did everything to try to save our friendship. I actually begged you (and that is hard to admit seeing as how you coldly said no) not to end our friendship. What a shock it was. You had problems with who I surround myself with. Do you not think it was hard for me to handle who you spent your time with? Do you not think that was difficult for me as well? But our friendship meant more to me than I guess it did to you. That's okay. I understand it now, but it was a very hard blow. I was shocked when you said you didn't want to be friends, when you told me to just leave your stuff on the porch, I guess because you couldn't even see me face to face. When you said you wouldn't be at my wedding. Can you imagine how much that hurt me? I was sure I would hear from you when my grandfather died. Do you know how hard that was for me? Maybe before the wedding...maybe after the wedding. I was crushed. I know how you change things in your mind, but I want to make sure you know that when our friendship ended, it was only you on board. I wanted to fix it. I am now over that. I have a wonderful life and wonderful friends. Sometimes I see things that I know you would like, that would make you laugh, and I wish I could share them with you. I wonder how your daughter is doing. I hope you are okay, but that is it. I really am done and I am more than fine.
Your Ex-Friend,
Sarah
So...I guess there are words after all. Just not ones that I was willing to say at a bar on a Friday night. I bet nobody thought a small smile and wave could mean so much.
***You will probably notice comments are turned off on this post. Guess I'm not looking for a lot of feedback on this one. They will be back on in a few days.***
