Six Words

I feel like I haven't been blogging lately. I look at my posts, and they are there....I have managed to write something on here...but I just feel like they have not been much. Not very entertaining. Not really anything special. I guess when I sit down to write, all I can think about is baby stuff (started my period this morning...awesome) work stuff (HUGE audit on Monday that I am busting my butt to get ready for) and that I don't feel good (but the magical medicine is helping and I am much better now/but the cramps are starting. If it isn't one thing it is another). And all three of those topics are just dull. So, I will be back to me soon. I have a touch of the winter bla's and it is coming out on the blog. As a matter of fact, I think it comes out the worst on the blog. I have a perfectly fine day, but when I sit down and think about what to write....doom and gloom! Sorry to all my millions (five) readers. I will lighten back up soon!

So, since I seem to be getting yet ANOTHER post up about all of this crap, when my real intention was to get away from all the sad, I will leave you with this little gem. Miss Zoot found a fun little exercise on someones blog...yes I called it an exercise. Yes I might have missed my calling as a teacher...the goal is to define your life in six words. I, like Zoot, could not come up with just one, but I did get it to two. Here are mine:

• Never enough money, Surrounded by Love
• Amazing Husband, Perfect Dog, Baby Wanted

So, there are mine. I would love to hear some of yours, or just give you something to think about. Enjoy!

Strep!

What the hell. I have strep throat. Seriously. I have not had strep throat since I had my tonsils removed back in 2001. Now, in my own throats defence, I will mention that I have managed to sort of regrow my tonsils between now and then...but still. We are looking at seven years of no strep, and then BAM...it's back. I will admit to you, my faithful blog readers, that when my throat started to hurt, the first place my mind went was to, "Sore throat....is that a lesser know side effect of PREGNANCY???" Seriously. I've got it bad. Who thinks a terrible sore throat is proof of pregnancy. This fool, that's who.

Saturday my throat was really bothering me, but it just looked red, so I assumed it was drainage (or pregnancy) and went over to Boo and Chris's house for a game night with all of our friends. We had a ton of fun, but once I got home I told Nick and Missy no less than three times that my throat really did hurt. Finally Nick was like, "WE KNOW!!". I just didn't want them to forget....I was in pain. Sunday I woke up and took a look and saw...the classic strep blisters. I got right in the car and went to the urgent treatment center. TWO HOURS LATER I saw a doctor. Apparently the UTC is very popular on a Sunday morning. I left there, came home, and went directly to bed.

It actually worked out well (as well as being sick can work out) that it landed on the weekend, and that I caught it early. It allowed me to sleep all day yesterday and let the medicine start working, so I was able to go into work today. Since I took two vacation days last month for being sick, I am really trying to hold on to the rest. Who wants to waste precious vacation days on stupid strep throat??

**Also, when the doc looked in my throat she was all, "This is really red. I see several white blisters...you are REALLY inflamed! You have all this....TISSUE that is...so...SWOLLEN!" I was all, woe is me, until I got home and took a look. Yes, it is VERY red, and there were even more blisters, but all that "swollen tissue" is about 90% my regrown tonsils. I guess it isn't that common...**

**Also again, Missy totally made dinner last night. It was awesome. She is pretty handy to have around!**

Things I Hate

I would never consider myself a picky eater. I like basically everything. There are a few exceptions. Those couple of things that make my pull a face of disgust. So, here is the thing. These select few items that for my entire life I have been so sure I hate...they are a shrinking. Crazy, I know.

I realized this yesterday. I was off work (yes, off work...Tarp is home from Costa Rica and I am relishing this time off...with lots and lots of naps...) so I went down to campus to have lunch with Nick. I was craving this pizza. This MUSHROOM pizza. My entire life mushrooms have been a mortal enemy. The slimy nature of them...the fact that they are a fungus...I just wasn't into it at all. Every now and again you could stuff a mushroom with some sort of heaven, then deep fry it, and I would try (who can deny deep fried heaven??). Usually the end result would be me eating the batter and stuffing, leaving the hollow shell of the mushroom. Disgusting.

Things changed when we went to the Mellow Mushroom back a month or two ago. Nick ordered this Magical Mystery Tour pizza (hold the jalapenos) and I got something...like the mighty meaty or something. Then his pizza came. It looked so...appealing. So I stole a bite. Just a bit to try it out. OH MY GOD. This is the best pizza I have ever had in my entire life. I have dreams about it. After this amazing mushroom pizza discovery I have decided to give the old fungi a second look. You know what I found...I LOVE them. On a hibachi grill...great. In Ravioli...heaven. As long as they aren't slimy, I am now all about the shroom.

This same thing happened with Strawberry's. I know you strawberry fans out there are looking at the screen in horror, but I just wasn't a fan. Those tiny seeds. Bla. The same with Kiwi. Tiny seeds. I don't like it. Well, imagine my surprise to learn one day over fresh strawberry shortcake (I used to just eat mine with some juice and whipped cream) that I, in fact LOVE strawberries. It took me even longer to give the kiwi a second look. Finally a couple of days ago Nick was eating one as a snack (the man loves kiwi) and made me take a bite. My eyes lit up with wonder. It was delicious!

So, what else am I missing?? The only things I can think of that are on my don't eat list is banana's (these will never ever ever ever come off the list. The smell...oh god..that terrible banana smell....) and olive's. Oh, and nasty catfish. Slimy bottom dwellers....yuck.

Hunger

I have a problem. I cannot stop eating. Seriously. I even woke up in the middle of the night last night hungry. Did I eat dinner you ask....well of course I did. I would NEVER skip a meal! Nick actually made dinner (second night in a row, god bless him) and it was wonderful. I ate until I thought I was going to die, so...you know...I didn't hold back. Now, I did manage to cut out my evening cookies and milk last night due to the size or the chicken parmigiana sandwich, but still. This hardly seems a good reason for the three am alarm clock of my stomach growling!

I think the actual problem is that I have given up on all dieting as of late, and have eaten whatever my heart desires. I forced myself onto my scale this weekend, and have since realized I need to practice some form of self control. The thing is...since the scale issues, I TOLD myself to practice self control, but besides the no-cookies last night, I really haven't done that at all. I have eaten like a pig. So...I ask you, why am I still always hungry? We had the biggest meal of our lives at the cheesecake factory. I was so full I was sick. By the time we got home...I had the craving to just eat a little something...just to hold me over. I have no idea what I was wanting to hold myself over for...but still. I ate. As I was sitting at work today, I had to force myself to stay in my chair and not go get a snacker from McDonalds. It was like, an hour after lunch.

So...is it just the fear of my soon to start diet? Is it that I am eating a bunch of junk like McDonalds and potato chips, so I am not really satisfying the hunger? Is it my new found coping mechanism? I do not know. What I do know is that if I don't get this crazy hunger under control soon...I am going to have to go and buy some new clothes, and although that sounds enjoyable in theory, going up a size is never fun...

**also, for the record, I DID NOT actually eat at three in the morning. That just seemed like the start of something terrible...***

Down

I have just been a little depressed since our visit with the doctor on Monday. I feel silly about it, but I just can't stop myself. (I guess that is kinda what being a little depressed is all about.) I cannot even put my finger right on what is getting me so upset. We are at the start of this huge thing. We have options. We have things to try. IT IS NOT OVER. Yet, I keep catching myself with my eyes filled with tears. Seriously. Like I am just sitting at work and all of a sudden, I am a blink away from actual tears rolling down my cheek. I talked with Boo (who of anyone, truly understands) and then later Nick about these feelings. they were both so supportive, so understanding. It is honestly just me that is not understanding. That is annoyed with myself for over reacting. For worrying about things that are totally out of my control.

I am a little better today than yesterday. The eyes haven't even filled with tears and here we are at 11am. This might be partially due to the fact that yesterday I was positive (POSITIVE) that I was not going to ovulate this month. The doctor did an ultrasound. Said it looked like I would ovulate on Saturday, and that my ovulation meter would say ovulation on Thursday or Friday. When it didn't say it on Thursday, Friday OR Saturday, I was just sure. I was done. last egg gone. Missed the boat. Then today...just one little day later...(BUT for the record, day 20 of my cycle people....TWENTY) I did, in fact ovulate. Right. All is good. (let's not even get into the fact that this month we are not even trying any fertility doctor stuff...we are starting that next month. That I can't even think about yet...)

Also, to help with the down-ness, Nick and I went to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory Last night. Oh God, if you have never eaten there, just go ahead and go now. They have this chicken madeira dish....and this hibachi steak...and the cheesecake. Seriously, we were completely in heaven.

I have also been listening to my very first audio book. My friend Arielle talked me into giving it a a try. She is a fellow Harry Potter fan, and said the guy who reads them is just amazing. She had them all on CD, so she lent me book seven. It took me a while to start it, but once I did, I was TOTALLY hooked. I listened to it in my car, and then at work all day Friday and Saturday because I was here by myself. I finished it yesterday, so when I saw her and told her how right she was, she left me the ENTIRE series. It is going to be great...

So, that is how I am handling my times of being down and worried. Nick and I are trying to do stuff, to stay busy, to not worry about what might happen. I am listening to Harry Potter. I am working hard (Tarp is in Costa Rica, so I am working A LOT. This could also be a cause of the blues) and honestly, I am okay. I am just a little down. And with all of this, I am going to just assume a little down is just fine.

The Fertility Doc

This past Monday Nick and I went to see the fertility doctor. We will call him Doc A. Or maybe just Doc...I am sure I will settle into a name for him soon. I was hoping he wouldn't need a name on the blog. I was hoping I would go see him and he would say, "These things are normal!", "Keep Trying!", "You will be pregnant in NO TIME!!". These are not the things that Doc said.

Nick and I are both by the numbers kind of people. We are both science minded, and if you lay something out for us with percentages and statistics we are both at ease. That is, unless the numbers you are given are...grim. We both honestly believed that there was a high probability of us just getting pregnant on our own. We know I have endometriosis, but my tubes are open, Nick is all good, how hard can it be? Doc informed us that with the severity of my endo, I have about a 10% of getting pregnant...ever in my lifetime. 10%. He then included that the most likely time for that to have occurred would have been in the six months following my surgery. It has been ten months. So....right.

We then discussed insemination. In my head, this was our fall back plan. Our worst case scenario. Doc tells us that this is not a great option for us. That the success rate for people with severe endometriosis is 5-10%. Now, that is per month, so although the numbers do look the same, the odds do increase from the whole "in my lifetime" number. He told us we could try it, and that it could work, but just to not get our hopes up. That Endometriosis is "a TERRIBLE disease". I got to hear what a terrible disease it was many times during our meeting. Every time Doc says it, it breaks my heart, but at the same time I feel just a little justified. You know when you feel really bad, and you think to yourself, "How would other people handle this? Am I being a huge baby? Are all the doctor's walking out of my room rolling their eyes?” Doc gave me an answer, and in a small way it is nice to hear someone else say, "Damn....you got this bad! You must feel like shit!" Okay...Doc did not say Shit. But curse words make me feel better.

We then went on to discuss Invitro. Doc felt this was our best option. Then he dropped something else into the mix. He said, "This is your best option. Assuming your egg's are not diseased" Hold up. He thinks my eggs are diseased?? Well, apparently endo destroys your eggs. That's right people. He was all like, we will have to see if you have any egg's left. No way to know that until we get in there! This was a hard blow. In my head, Invitro was the big guns. The last option. Now we are sitting here with Doc and he is telling us we are to the point of invitro, and by the way, your eggs could be diseased and if they are...no go. He also added, just to make sure we knew how terrible my case of endo was, that I need a hysterectomy. That it is not far down the road for me, and that he just hopes he is able to help us have children first.

So, when I say the fertility doctor gave us bad news, he really just gave us the big picture. They told us the things we knew, but are still hard to hear from your "end of the road" doctor. We are trying insemination. I am just not ready to jump right into invitro. I need some time. Plus, you never know. The 5-10% could be us. I mean, it's gotta be somebody, right??

Happy Valentine's Day

Nine years ago today Nick and I realized there might just be more between us than just friends. We had know each other for a couple of years, but on this day it was different. We went on a "date". That kind of date you have when you are close and neither of you have a somebody on Valentine's Day. I am pretty sure I went over this on my Valentine's Day post last year....but clearly it was the start of something....huge.

This year, more than ever, I realize how much he means to me. How much I love him. How he is always there for me, supporting me, making me better. Making me stronger. We have had a difficult week. The fertility doctor did not give us the news we wanted. We are still fighting that battle, and that is a different post. A post for a day other than today. I will get the details of the appointment up for you all soon. For today, I want to just say that I am so lucky. So lucky to have my soul mate who is always there to hold my hand and dry my tears. To make me laugh and to hold me when I cry. If there is one thing I truly know in my heart, it is that Nick and I are forever.

Grocery "Plan"

So my cousin Liz has inspired me. She has been posting on her blog about her amazing savings at the grocery store. I must admit, I was impressed. She does her shopping on a weekly basis, where as I do mine every two weeks. This does mean that I then end up going back on the off weeks and pick up a few things like milk and bread. I spend A LOT of money at the grocery. Usually around $200-$250 on the big trip, then several small trips of $20-$50 over the two week period. You can see how I was completely mesmerized with the fact that Liz went shopping, bought food for her family of three for an entire week, and spent $50! Now, she did not have to buy lots of those big things like washing detergent, cat food, paper towels...this was just a food trip. Still. STILL.

So, I was inspired. I am not a food planner. I go to the grocery and just throw any old thing into my cart. I am embarrassed to tell you, I don't even look at the price of stuff. To me it is always more like, "a girls gotta eat"! Well, Liz's first piece of advice was to make a list. Fine. I can do that. I made a list of tons of delicious sounding dinners. I did also take her advice on looking to see what I already had, which was helpful. I have a tendency to have, like 4 boxes of croutons in the cabinets...so, it was nice to know that I did not need those. I even made notes on my little list of the things that I already own. So cleaver. So organized!

Now, I did not look at sales. I am just not good with that. I have tried to clip coupons in the past and I either let them expire, or get the wrong food and then get up to check out and think "DAMN...can I even use ANY or these??" Then I save about forty three cents, decide coupons are stupid and give up. Anyway, that was not part of this new plan. I was just going to use my well thought out dinner plan and work with what I had. It was bound to save me a ton!

I get to the grocery. I have to say the list was helpful. I knew exactly what I needed! The thing was...apparently I needed a lot. Like, A LOT! So much, in fact, that I had a very hard time keeping it all in my cart. I must admit that at the end, I had to push the cart to the register with one hand, while the other was draped over the top of the cart in order to hold all the food in. I will tell you that I DID NOT need laundry detergent or pet supplies. This was all food, except for the shampoo and paper towels. I have to admit, even with the full cart, I was hopeful. I made a list!!! I got all my things off my list!!! I MUST have saved some money! There was no way the check out lady was going to ask me how many people were in my family (at least now I could say three!!). Which has only happened once anyway, but I was sure it was going to be clear that this was just a well organized and inexpensive meal plan!

Total: $225. WTF.

I discussed this total with my family and friends at my aunts WONDERFUL cookie exchange. We came to the conclusion that, at the very least, I would not have to make all the small trips during the two weeks. Sounded good. Last night while making (a delicious) dinner, I realized I needed more butter. Humph. I had bought some, but it was not enough. I also needed some sugar...and some plain potato chips to go along with the dip my aunt sent home with me. Just need to run up to the store...

Total: $28

This morning I realized we are already a little low on milk...might have something to do with all the cookies...looks like I need to stop at the store today or tomorrow and pick up a gallon...this isn't going well at all. Damn.

Obama Fan

I am not a political person. Not even a little bit. I hesitated in writing this post because I wasn't sure if I felt that I knew enough to even being this debate. Then, I decided that I am most likely the average American. For the first 20ish years of my life I followed my parents politics. I was to busy to be bothered with forming my own opinion. I was a Republican by blood. I vaguely knew the difference, but truly didn't care.

Four years ago I faltered. I was not sure where to place my vote. I knew I wanted to vote, but didn't love either of my options. I went with good old George W. I later found out that my dad went with Kerry. Looking back I believe this was when I decided I really wanted to make my own decision. I wanted to know that I put my support behind who I believed in the most.

When I got married I had to register to vote under my new name. The lady at the drivers license place asked me if I was a Republican or a Democrat. I just looked at her. I had no idea. I knew one thing. I sure was a fan of Barack Obama. I saw him give a speech at the Democrat convention, and I was an instant fan. I decided to register as a Democrat. Not because I am a die hard left winger....just because I believed in this one guy. I wanted to do what I could to vote in the primaries to give him a chance.

So now, the more I see of him, the more I love him. He feels like change. He feels like what our nation needs. I am not a Clinton fan. If it comes down to Clinton vs McCain, I very well might vote McCain. For now, I just wish my states primaries were sooner. I wish we were going to actually get a voice in these primaries, which with my states primaries in May will most likely not have any weight in this race. So I am left to watch. Each day seeing what is happeing in the political news. Each evening of a race watching CNN to see where the delegates are falling. Hoping that he wins. My dad called me the other day. He said he wanted to let me know that he was voting for Obama. My parents opinion is very important to me, and their opinions still influence me. At the same time, I felt like an adult to be able to know that I had already made that decision for myself as well.

Here is a video for Obama. You should watch it. You just might like him...even you, mom!


And this will be all for the political Bio-Girl...unless of course he does win. The you will hear from me again in November!

**Also, this entry did have a title change...thanks Mrs. Who for pointing out that Obama Nation and Abomination really do sound the same!!!**

A Little Windy

Well, I guess half the United States was hit with the huge storm last night. The wind seriously awoke me from my sleep and had me running from my bedroom. I was alone in the room. Nick said he just couldn't sleep with this bad of a storm. He was worried about us, and wanted to keep an eye on it until it passed. When I heard the window rattle, I was about 97% sure that it was just about to explode in on my bed. By the time I actually got out of the room and into the living room with Nick, we had already lost power. This is a frightening feeling. You want to check the weather, make sure that there isn't a tornado like, right on top of your house...but you can't. Nick's dad actually got us this little weather radio thing, but we could never get it to work. Last night I really wished we had it running.

About 45 seconds after the worst of the storm, all the sirens started going off. We live near a park, so we can hear the severe weather alerts. It said there were tornado warnings in our area, and to take cover. Warnings. Not watches. People actually saw a tornado...and they tell us after it passes us. It is still bothering me that the sirens went off after the storm passes. That they were too late. I always took some comfort in the fact that we can hear them. What good do they do us 45 seconds after the storm?? Like they are just saying, "Yep...you were right....it WAS a tornado! Guess we should have told you it was coming..."

So, this morning when I woke up I found trees down all over our street. Half of the street was actually closed. The main road near our house was also closed, so all traffic was rerouted. Schools were out, businesses were closed, tons of people with no power (people like the lovely workers of McDonalds...so when people went to get breakfast...not that I eat breakfast out...way to much fat and calories....I always eat oatmeal...but if I did...then I would have been really annoyed with the sign on the speaker that said they had no power and therefore no breakfast...). All in all it has been a crazy day around here! We have had calls all day checking on us. Apparently on the radar the storm looked like it was shining down on our home, so...you know....people were worried. I am happy to report we are a little windblown, but that we are A-okay!

Scratch That

So I went to the doctor today. My actual plan was to give him a call sometime this week about what he thought about us taking another month off of trying for a baby. That was until the pain from my endometriosis just got out of control. Yesterday we went to Nick's dad's house, then over to our friends to watch the Super Bowl...(GO GIANTS!). I still wasn't feeling well, but it was seven days into my cycle and it was time to get back to life. By the end of the game I was miserable. My back ached something awful, and I had these shooting pains in my abdomen. I seriously considered telling Nick to drive me to the ER rather than home. Once I got back to the house and was able to lay on the couch and get into my sleeping pants (I know my aunt Mrs. Who knows the therapeutic nature of sleeping pants) I was a little better. No need for the ER, just some good TV and milk and cookies.

This morning I woke up to terrible pain. I honestly couldn't stand up straight. I took some pain medicine and got into the shower. By the time the shower was done I had made my decision. No work for me today. I called and made an appointment (and of course I cried to the poor receptionist on the phone. I also cried when I talked to work...I am such a cry baby and it drives me crazy...but I CANNOT STOP). I just got back from the doctor and he said there was little he could do for me this month. He said for me to take tomorrow off work as well, to stay in bed, to stay medicated, and that it would pass. He wished he could do more, but the best he could do was a doctors note (which my work really doesn't need) and to ease the pain. It was what I expected to hear. I mean, I know what I have and I know how to treat it. It is just when you feel this bad you just want to TELL somebody.

We then talked about babies. He said that first off, he will personally write a note giving medical reasons if I am to deliver before November. That he will have it well documented that my due date is in November, and that if for some reason I go early, he will handle it. That we are NOT taking a month off of trying. (YEA!!) He then told me that he wants to go to see our fertility specialist. He said that it will be covered on our insurance at first because of the endometriosis, and he just really wants to get that ball rolling. I am not sure what we will be doing with our new doc, but it will be moving forward, so that is good. I go and see him on the 12th, so I will give you all an update them. Just thought you would like to know, we are most definitely not taking this month off...and that now I am going back to bed.

A little Early

So two months ago when I started my period, it was on day 45 of my cycle. (Should I mention this post is all about issues that honestly are most likely to personal for a blog...well, consider yourself warned) This extremely long cycle led me to believe my cycle was getting longer, which it has had a tendency to do in the past as my endometriosis worsened. I would then have a surgery and it would set my clock right again.

So, imagine my surprise when I started the next month on day 26 of my cycle. I was excited. It was good to know my body was still staying in time with a normal persons cycle, and all seemed right with the world. Especially when you throw in the fact that this period was so easy on me. This is when all the "I'M CURED!" thoughts began. Then this month rolled around and I started on day...26. Good, good. Consistency is always great. This cycle is giving me lots of issues, but still. Happy to be on schedule.

Here is the problem. With the new short term disability I have signed up for, in order for me to be able to get paid maternity leave I would have to actually deliver the baby ten months after my sign up date. This is not about my original due date, this is the ACTUAL date of delivery. I had done a little math and we needed to sit out of trying for a baby for two months to insure we would deliver in November. Now, if there was some major medical reason for me to deliver early, like preeclampsia or something, they would make an exception. But if I just go into labor on my own, it sure has hell better be after November 1st. So with my two rather short cycles, looks like my due date on a pregnancy this month would be around...November 4th. Four days into the safe zone. Four days into the paid time off.

So we really don't know what to do. Like, we really cannot decide. On one hand I think why would I deliver early if there was not a medical reason. On the other hand I know that this does happen a lot. We are not talking about weeks early, we are talking about four days. On one hand I want to believe the insurance company would take my doctors word for it that I only delivered before the acceptable time due to a medical reason, but then on the other hand I know that insurance companies are asses who would not pay a dime if they could get out of it. On the one hand, I have the endo and don't want to waste any time, on the other, we waited these two months to be sure we would get the paid leave. Do we want to go the entire pregnancy worrying I might deliver four days early. Trying to save the money "just in case". I really don't know. Well, maybe I do know. I know that we should wait another month. I know it is the right decision. It is just the decision that breaks my heart. These two months have been so hard for me. I just don't WANT to wait any more...so I am calling the doctor. I have hopes he will tell me to just try and he will make it all okay. But anything short of him telling me that will mean we will take one more month off. Which just sucks.