Uncharted Territroy

I was getting ready for one of my friends "Dirty Thirty" birthday bash on Friday night. The party gets its entire own post once I get some pictures together, but I was at home getting ready and some friends came over to meet up and ride together. I was in the bathroom and Arielle walked in. I hadn't seen her since we found out about the pregnancy. She says, "I am so excited!!!!" and I look at her and say (seriously) "About the party??" She looks at me and says, "well...I guess, but I was talking about the BABY!" Oh. Right. the BABY. That I am actually GROWING right now! That is real and not just some crazy dream that I am letting myself believe. This is actually happening and we can TALK about it, and celebrate, and make real and true PLANS for!

We are officially in uncharted territory. If seems like anytime up until now when Nick and I talked about being pregnant, it always had this huge "IF" in front of it. We never let ourselves go to far in the conversation. There were things we talked about. Names we mentioned we liked. That someday the office might be a nursery. That when we are pregnant we wont find out what we are having until the actual delivery (still true by the way!). That if this works, I hope the baby gets his blue eyes...but they were always far off discussions. Speaking hypothetically. Now, all of a sudden, we have been given the green light. We are ALLOWED to talk about these things. To think about a baby that isn't just a someday-maybe-baby, but a June 4th actual REAL baby! Our baby.

We are still treading slowly, but we are loving every second of it. Nick came in on Friday from work and I was taking a nap (my favorite new past time). He kissed me, then pats my belly and says high to the baby. I just smile. We went to Bed Bath and Beyond yesterday and Nick said that it wont be much longer that it will just be the two of us walking into a store holding hands. We will have someone else with us! I saw my aunt, cousin and sister on Saturday and I actually got pregnancy/baby presents! Baby clothes and a pregnancy journal! You can see the wonderful gifts in the post from yesterday, but it was so exciting! These things that have been off limits to discuss are now free range conversation! We no longer have to live in the world of "ifs" and "hopefully" and "please God let this work". We finally get to live in the now. And the now is really pretty perfect!

Presents!

Well, as if I am not lucky enough these days, I am actually getting presents! I woke up from a nap yesterday to find these... Nick cut them from the back yard and filled two vases for the house!

Then I went to Boo's, and she gave me this! Just what every pregnant girl needs! It has a daily update on what is going on when the baby and what I should be eating or doing to stay healthy!

THEN my Aunt came over and gave us these!
This one for if Nick is right and we are having a girl...
And this one if I am right and we are having a boy!

Look at the little puppy paws on the feet bottoms! So cute I could die. I have a fear that it is to early for these things, but I don't care. We know we are four weeks (and three days). It is early, but we are embracing every second of this....and loving it!

Sinking In...Sort of...

Well, first off, thank you guys so much for all your wonderful comments! We are so excited, and it means so much that you guys were waiting to hear, and then so excited for us!! Here we are 24 hours later and I am still kinda in shock. I mean, I know it shouldn't be THAT shocking. We worked so hard to get here, but there is just this feeling of disbelief that it actually worked. That we are actually pregnant...and that means we are HAVING A BABY! I know this infertility struggle has been terrible, but at the same time we have been so lucky. We have actually not been trying that long in comparison to so many other couples. Nearly two years. We were faster to the fertility doc that most due to my stage four endo, but still, three failed IUI's, then the first IVF works. We feel so fortunate. I think no matter how long it took us to get here, we would feel the same. So lucky. So blessed.

So, details. I didn't give you all much to go on yesterday. I went in yesterday morning to get my blood drawn at 8:45. I was planning to be there at 8:30, but seeing as how I didn't have to work, I was a little slower getting ready. After the blood work I came home to find my new cell phone on the doorstep! I got a new cell phone! This typically would be big news in my life (I am easily pleased) but yesterday really didn't hold up in the "big news" department. Anyway, I busied myself getting the new phone up and running. Then I got in the shower and went to meet Nick for lunch.

We were allowed to call at 12:30 for the results, so we got in the car and made the call. As soon as she said she had my results I knew. There was a pause and I just knew she would come right out and say it if it was negative. She laughed a little and told us we were having a baby! There was some screaming and some tears. We set up more blood work for today to check my thyroid level and recheck my beta, set up my ultrasound for OCTOBER 13th at 10:45, and then it was done. Nick and called our parents and then went out to lunch to celebrate!

After lunch I made the other calls letting friends and family know the amazing news. Then I cam home and took a home test. Now that I knew I was pregnant, I couldn't wait to actually see if for myself (needed proof with my own eyes). I have had the test under my counter for weeks, but I couldn't take it. I just couldn't. As soon as I took it, both lines were bright as day. I then, clearly took a picture to share it with all of you! Later Boo came over and then we went out for a celebration dinner with my parents. All in all an amazing day!

Now, here is what we do know so far. First off, my blood work today came back great. My thyroid was well in the normal range and they said they really were not worried about it. She did not tell me my exact beta count, but she said that "it went up, exactly like it is suppose to". Sounds like great news to me! They told me yesterday that I had a strong beta, but not so high that they think it is twins. They said we won't know for sure until the ultrasound, but they expect to see one sweet little baby in there. She said everything looks perfect and they don't need to see me again until my ultrasound! We do know that my due date is JUNE 4th. Which, happens to be my dad's birthday. How cool is that? I think that's about it. I am taking my vitamins and trying to eat healthy...and really just enjoying the idea that I am honestly and truly pregnant!

Today...

Is the day that everything changes....Beta=137

We really are pregnant! Excuse me while I scream.

Just Hours Away...

So we are on the official count down (what? so, yes I have been counting down for two weeks, but THIS is like the FINAL count down!). Thirteen or so hours until I take the blood test, then about for hours until we have the results. I am just getting home from an all day conference out of town for "young professionals". It was actually really interesting, and was the perfect way to spend the day before the test. Getting out of my routine and being busy really kept my mind off of the "what ifs". I had to be at the lab at six am to be at the conference by nine, and the next thing I knew I was touring the Corvette Plant, which for the record was pretty cool even for a gal that knows nothing about cars...and then heading home. I got back to the house around seven, and it was one of the fastest thirteen hours I have ever had! As an added bonus, due to all the overtime I don't have to go to work AT ALL tomorrow! How great is that??

So...I think I am talked out. I am thought out. I am just ready to know. I think I am ready either way...or at least, I am as ready as I can be. A negative will be crushing, but I know it is possible. We have our six frozen embryos, and I just have to remember them if it comes back with the wrong answer. Either way I will let you all know sometime tomorrow afternoon. Thank you so much for all your thoughts, prayers and support over this past month (and year). I am not sure how I would have gotten this far without all of you guys. Now, just seventeen more hours...

Two Days

So did you all know it's Tuesday? It is. And did you know that I get to take my pregnancy test on Thursday? It's true. So...that means that it is only TWO DAYS AWAY! It has taken over my mind. Anytime I have some down time, it is the first and only place my mind goes. How do I feel? Do I have a gut feeling? Do I have any symptoms?

First, let me say that you guys rock. Your answers to my "A Question" post were absolutely amazing. Thank you for taking the time to write, and for being so honest. From the comments and emails on my question, I gathered what I consider to be the two main pieces of information for my situation. Number one, we are testing very early. Before a missed period. Most of you who knew, knew after something smelled off, or your body felt different, and then you thought, "where is my period" and you knew without a test...but, you were late. Now, maybe not all of you, but that seems to be common. We are testing before an expected period, before any expected signs of pregnancy...

Number two, the IVF drugs mimic pregnancy. It's what they are for. To convince your body that it IS pregnant. SO, any signs I happen to see (or make up) can just as easily be due to the progesterone as they could to an actual pregnancy. This is key. This is keeping me sane. It is helping to not let me obsess over the little things. The things like my sleep patterns are a wreck. Exhausted when I get home from work, but then wake up at five am bright eyed and bushy tailed. The fact that my boobs hurt, or that my lips are swollen (is this a pregnancy symptom? I have no clue, but it's true so I thought I would throw it out there). Or the fact that, although I hate to tell you this, that typing it and posting it will make it true, my back hurts. It kinda sorta hurts like it does before I start my period. It has been going on for awhile now, and there is no spotting, but it is a familiar pain that I wish wasn't there.

The thing is, it doesn't matter. My guessing and worrying isn't going to change the answer. It is already decided. We just have to be patient and wait for the test. But if I am being truly honest, which this is harder to admit than the back aches, because being wrong on this will make it only harder in the end, is that at least 55% of the time I actually believe I am pregnant. Not for any of the reasons listed above, but more because of the way I feel. The fact that I am not terrified to take the test. I am hopeful. Really, really hopeful.

Impressive

First off, let me tell you that I woke up this morning at eight am and could not fall back asleep. My eyes popped open and my mind was up for the day. This typically would annoy me on a Sunday (if it ever happened, which it never really has) but once I rolled out of bed I realized I could, like, get stuff done! I have already been to the grocery store, come home and put everything away and it still isn't even noon! I typically don't roll out of bed until about this time. When I got home at 10:30 Nick had already mowed the lawn and was weed eating. I thought I was leaving the house so he could at least get some sleep, but I guess we both have a lot on our minds this week and sleeping isn't as easy as it used to be....

Anyway, I was wanting to show you all something my sweet husband made when he took the day off for my egg retrieval. I spent the majority of the day in bed, and Nick is just not one to sit and do nothing ( I, on the other hand, love a day of nothing). I am not sure I have mentioned it on here, but Nick is a builder. He made all the furniture in our living room (coffee table, book shelf, entertainment center). For my first birthday that we were together he actually made me a coffee table with a mosaic of a camel in the desert on the top. It. Was. Awesome. We used that table forever, but then he made a new one (no mosaic, but still very nice) for this house. His father and grandfather both make furniture as well, and we have several family pieces around the house. It is something that I love to think about him passing on to our children.

So, a day or two before the retrieval he had this idea to make a built-in type half bookshelf for the living room. He was going to paint it to match the fireplace and chair rail, so he was able to get inexpensive wood and the entire project cost about $25. He got to work on it a little the day before, but basically when we got home from the retrieval we had some wood in the garage, and when I woke up that night we had this...
am I lucky or what?

A Question

I was actually going to take the day off of blogging. Not really for any reason beyond I have nothing to say (not that it ever stopped me before) and I realized I have been posting, like EVERYDAY, and thought you might want a break from the rambling. Then I thought of something I really wanted to ask you guys. Something I hope you will leave answers to in the comments or send me an email about. I have never actually asked for feedback on here before (I hate rejection...and if you all DIDN'T comment then I would feel like a big loser...now you feel like you gotta answer don't you?? Awesome.) but this one I think at lesat the mom's can easily answer....so here goes...

I have been thinking a lot about pregnancy lately (SHOCKING). More than that, I have been thinking of a woman's intuition. How you hear that "You will just know" when you are pregnant. It always seemed so logical to me. It is this huge thing that is happening in my body, shouldn't I have a clue it is happening? Should I be SHOCKED with a positive pregnancy test? Is anybody ever really shocked? I think it is rare. I think (totally just assuming here...but this is part of the question) that when a woman finds out she is pregnant, the answer in her brain is "I knew it...". It makes since. Your body has been trying to tell you something is different. But what about when you are looking for it? Searching all signs for proof that you are pregnant. Should you just know? What if month after month you have hoped and thought maybe....then is it harder to know? What if you have struggled with infertility for years. Would you still just "know" or is the knowledge visible more post confirmation rather than during the wait?

This is all coming from me repeatedly asking myself "do I feel pregnant?" and I keep just answering myself "I have no fucking clue what being pregnant feels like. How would I know??" So, her is the official question to all moms and moms-to-be. Did you actually know you were pregnant before you took the test? Have you struggled with fertility? Did you ever have the feeling you were pregnant and then be wrong? Were you ever convinced you weren't pregnant and then you were shocked with the positive? And for the infertility girls who had IUI's and IVF's no work...did you know before hand that it would be negative? I can answer the last one and say no. I feared they would be negative, but I was always at least shocked on some level. Maybe it was that the hope was gone, but I never just knew it was negative...

You don't actually have to answer each question, just the basic idea. I would really appreciate it if you would let me know if you had fertility issues with your answers. I think those of us who have struggled might have a harder time believing the signs...at least I feel like I would. Thanks a lot for helping me out! Your answers will keep me sane while I wait for my test (THAT IS ONLY SIX DAYS AWAY!)

Deep Freeze

Well, we got the call this morning that two more embryos were able to be frozen yesterday! That takes our grand total of embryos in deep freeze at six. She said all six were of an extremely high quality (Grade AA or AB) and that we should be thrilled (WE ARE!!!). I then asked her what our odds of success are with our specific situation...day five transfer of top quality embryos. She said that those two factors, along with the fact that we had extremely high quality embryos to freeze puts us into the must successful pregnancy bracket....with a success rate around 75-80%. Now, that means NOTHING if we are the other 25%, but still I like those odds! She did say that if it doesn't work the first time, especially with this quality, then it commonly takes a long time. Not that we wouldn't get pregnant on the first FET, but just that the odds then fall out of our favor. Statistically this is our best shot...

I am very aware of the 25% chance of it not working. I am sure a large part of that is that we were here with my sister a year ago. Part of it is also that we have been trying so long, it just feels odd for things to be going our way. To get the good answers, to be on the positive side of the stats. Not hoping to be the one in ten that it works for, but hoping just to be where we should...in the 75%! We are guardedly optimistic.... hoping that they are right and that this is our time. We really do know it might not be, but at this points all signs are looking good!

Because you are Dying to see a Baby Picture...

So, did ya know that I am kinda sorta pregnant RIGHT NOW? It's true. Just in case you missed the last month or so of my blog where I HAVE TALKED ABOUT NOTHING BUT IVF (you all are so patient with me and the rambling...) I just thought I would mention it. Actually, one of my readers left me a comment saying that I am PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) and I am really a big fan of this! I can enjoy this next week rather than just worry that it will end. For now, we are pregnant....

So...wanna see a picture of the embryos?

Are you actually surprised that I would already be posting pics of the little guys on the blog?? Come on now. This is all I've got! Aren't they adorable? Yes, I know...the bottom one takes after me a little more..see that bump on the bottom left...clearly she likes to grow extra stuff like her mama (like endo, or an extra layer of gum or a second set of tonsils!) and then the top one, he takes after his papa...see how he is tall and skinny...of course, if they had turned the camera 45 degrees, he would look a little more short and fat, but whatever...totally the spitting image of his father.

No, we haven't lost our mind, but Nick and I do like our first picture. Actually we really love both little embryos already. We just need them to decide they want to be the ones to stay around for another nine months, and then forever and ever.

The Transfer

Well I am back home safe and sound on the couch with the laptop. There was good and bad news from the transfer, but everything with the little embryos looks great! (which is by far the most important part!) We transferred in two Grade AA (highest grade) embryos. While we were there , there were already four that had "blasted" and were ready to be frozen. There were seven more that were looking good and that they would freeze tomorrow as long as they blast. They said they don't expect them all to, but that there should be more to freeze tomorrow!

The rough part of the day was the fact that Doc could not get the catheter past my cervix. Like couldn't do it. Would not go. He said it was because of the progesterone I was on, along with my enlarged ovaries. He fought with it for a long time (very painful) and then had to use the clamp (yeah, it was as unpleasant as it sounds.) They assured me that this would have absolutely no effect on the embryos or the IVF. The embryos were still in their little incubator during the entire wait and he said once they got into my uterus, it would be just like any other IVF.

Since I have been home I have not been feeling great. I got up from bed to use the bathroom and there was a surprising amount of blood. I called the doc and the said to call them back and let them know if i am still bleeding in an hour. They said the blood was from the clamp on my cervix and not from my uterus. That the embryos were fine, and most likely I was just bleeding as I was laying down, and it all pooled and came out at once. They said not to worry...like that is remotely possible. Still, I trust them and what they are saying makes since. The clamp hurt like hell and I would not be surprised for it to lead to some bleeding. Still, this is not what I expected, and so I am just a little shaken. It will be a long wait to next Thursday for the test!

16 hours

I am officially on count down to when I am going to be the most pregnant I have ever been. We go in for the transfer at 7:30 in the morning. I am so excited, but at the same time really anxious. I hate that we didn't get our daily call this morning with an update on our little embryos, but know it is just the start of the long wait. The nine days of waiting for the test. That is going to be rough.

I went to work today, but actually decided to call it a day a little early. I would have been okay, but due to Hurricane Ike the main lab has no power (reminder, we are NOWHERE near the Texas coast...just saying...). Without power there, we have no server. Without a server we have only random cleaning to do this afternoon. I could have spent the day working on reporting at my desk, but when it comes to washing dishes, putting things away, moving things around...my body just wasn't up for it. I called Doc to let them know I was still a little uncomfortable. I don't feel terrible, but I didn't want them to get there tomorrow and have them do an ultrasound and be like, WHY HAVEN'T YOU CALLED? I don't think they would, but I just wanted to cover all bases.

I have this full feeling. No other way to describe it. My abdomen is a little distended and I am just uncomfortable. I can't wear pants with buttons (I tried...it wasn't good) and I am looking...well...a little bloated. All signs that I am suffering from a mild case of OHSS. The nurse said she wanted me to take it easy the rest of the day. Drink lots of Gatorade and eat salty foods. That was all I needed to hear. I picked up some salty sweet checks mix and a new 12 pack of Gatorade on my way home...that along with the first season of Gossip Girl a friend let me borrow, and I will be set for the next couple of days on the couch!

Okay, I am going to lay down. We would really appreciate all thoughts and prayers for our sweet little ones tomorrow morning! I will try to be as sticky as possible so they want to stay around for the next nine months! I have my laptop, so I will at least update you with the final number of embryos and the number we transfer!

Happy 30th Birthday Boo!! (and of course an egg update)

I did get my call this morning from Doc's office. All seventeen embryos are still looking great! that one little guy never started dividing, but she said it is to be expected with a group this big. She was really excited about how well we are doing and wants us to come in at 7:30 on Tuesday Morning for the transfer! She did tell me that I will not get a progress report tomorrow (HORROR) because since they know we are going to day five, then they don't want to add any stress to them by even bothering to take them out of the incubator. I am okay with that...babies come first...but I will miss my phone call. Now, on to a very important non-fertility topic!

So my perfect big sister is officially thirty today! Her adorable husband Chris had her a rockin' party last night at their house. The house was adorably decorated, the dinner was delicious, the drinks were...great I assume. I was working on my sprite all night, but everyone else seemed to love them! It was honestly a perfect thirtieth birthday bash! Now for some pic's of the event! (I seem to have left A LOT of people out of picturse, so if I somehow managed to not get a picture of you, I am so sorry! Mrs. Who...How did I miss you??? I still love you and will do better at the next big event!)Here is the birthday girl herself! She loves a good party!And here is the amazing host of the shindig! I helped Chris a little with the planning and I must say he was a little surprised with how much planning goes into a color scheme for a party! he did an amazing job and I know Boo loved every second of the night!Boo with some of her school friends! (including a couple of bloggers that aren't always so good at keeping up with their blogs! Teachers...)The adorable Bee FamilyAnd then one of me and Nick...this is a little late in the night and I am looking...tired. My mom with my aunt JosieRyan and Arielle enjoying the UK game! We ordered it on Pay-per-view, which turned out to be a big hit with most of the guys at the party!Rhi and Charing (the other birthday girl!) looking adorable!Boo's sister-in-law Gayla and her boyfriendSpeaking of sisters-in-law, here's mine! Oh how she makes me laugh. Her and Davis had been at a cookout all day and she said he was stinky...clearly she is not a fan...

Finally she said she would hold her breath and take a real pic...awwww...true love!

aaaaaand....here is Me, Boo and Charing. I really am almost done...I have a picture taking addiction...

My mom with big Charing

Nick and Ryan just chillin'...but a cute pic

And finally, the birthday girl with her wonderful husband! Chris, you did a great job throwing an awesome party! Boo, way to go on turning 30! We love you lots and lots. Happy Birthday!

The Daily Update

Well we got a call from Doc's office this morning. The girl in charge of our sweet little embryos called to let us know that from our nineteen that fertilized, that seventeen were dividing perfectly! Number eighteen is still alive, but has yet to divide. They are keeping him around just to give him a little more time, but looks like for now we are sitting strong at seventeen!! So, what does this mean? First off, she said our egg quality is really great. We have several eggs that are at the highest level (level four) and then several that are level three. She told us that Doc has decided to wait and do a five day transfer to give the embryos more time to see who stands out as the best chance for pregnancy. I was worried that there may be a problem and that was why they were waiting until day five, but she told me it was really a luxury we had due to our high number of eggs. Some thrive between days three and five and some don't, so this will give us the best chance of putting in the strongest of our embryos. That is obviously what we all want, so we are very happy to be waiting to give them more time!

We got a call checking in on us today from a family friend down in Florida who is a fertility specialist. She seemed THRILLED with our progress, and really put me at ease with where we are. She was very excited they had postponed us to a day five transfer, and she let us know that she strongly suggested we only implant two embryos. Since we will know exactly how many we have to freeze going into the transfer, I am more okay with the idea of doing two. We are still going to wait and see what Doc says, and see how the embryos do between now and then, but if we have lots of healthy embryos to freeze, we will most likely play it safe and go for two!

Thanks again for all of your thoughts prayers and comments! The amount of support you all are giving us is overwhelming and so appreciated! I will update you all again tomorrow when I get the call from the lab!

Also, Happy happy birthday to my dear best friend Charing! Love you my sweet friend!

Road Map

First things first....the important news of the day. I got a call from Doc's office this morning with our daily update. She told me that nineteen (NINETEEN) of our embryos fertilized! She said it was a very impressive fertilization rate, and that we should be thrilled! (WE ARE!!) She also told us that they did assisted fertilization on some (where they actually inject the sperm into the egg) and unassisted on the others (just put them in the dish together and let the magic happen...). She said that both ways were very successful, and that is great for to know for the future. As of now, they are only fertilized, no divisions have occurred, but they shouldn't have just yet. She said she will call tomorrow morning with division information and to let us know how many survived the night. That is also when she will tell us when to expect our transfer. We are just so excited. Fertilization was one more hurdle, and we cleared it. Now we just need the little babies to start dividing!

Second, I wanted to let you all know that I am really feeling okay. My back is hurting, and my abdomen is a little sore, but the pain meds are helping and all in all I am doing great. The retrieval went really well. I got to wear some awesome booties, which I really wish I had a picture of. Nick was jealous. I then went into the operating room and they told me to "slide my butt right to the edge of the hole...just to the edge, don't fall in!" What do I do? Stick my butt RIGHT IN The hole...I am not an "on the edge" kinda girl. They laughed and told me I overshot it...nice. Once I woke up I was all sorts of drugged up and repeated myself A LOT, but I am pretty sure I didn't say anything too embarrassing. After that, I basically came home and slept the entire day. Dad brought dinner (Thanks mom and dad!) and then I crashed again. Doc said I most likely wouldn't feel the effects of the OHSS for a couple days, but that he really wasn't to worried about it. He told us that he only expects a mild cse, and although I would be uncomfortable, it should have no effect on our transfer or success rate! He said to take it easy (check) and to not exercise (ahhh hahaha...I mean, that will be tough). So, unless I get very sick very fast, we will be doing this transfer this week!

Now, I realized from some of my wonderful comments over the last couple days(love you guys!) that I haven't done the best job of actually telling you all what to expect next. I guess I am so used to all the details of IVF, I forget that lots of my readers have no idea what to expect! So, I will give you all a rough timeline from here to the end.

• Tomorrow we will get a call updating us on the quality of our eggs. We expect to lose some along the way, which is why it is so exciting we are starting out with such a high number!
• During that call, they will let me know when we are doing the transfer. It will be either Sunday or Tuesday.
• On the day of the transfer Nick and I will go in and meet with Doc. He will rate all the eggs we have left from 1-4. 1 being no good, 4 being great. We will discuss the numbers and what is our best shot of getting pregnant. It is at this point we will decide how many to put back between two and three. For now we are leaning towards three (odds of triplets are very small, but putting in three increases the success rate to 70%), but want to see what Doc has to say.
• We will get daily updates on the remaining eggs until Tuesday, which is when they will decide how many we have worth freezing (hopefully there will be some, but it is not a guarantee, even with this many eggs to start).
• Now we wait...the official two week wait started yesterday (day of fertilization) so we will go in on Thursday September 25th for a pregnancy test.
• Test positive, well...you know...BABY. Test negative, we will then hopefully be able to defrost a couple of the eggs and try for a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). The more we have to freeze, the more shots we will get out of this one IVF cycle.

So, that's it. Your road map to IVF! Thanks to all of you all for your prayers and support. I can never truly tell you how much it means to me and Nick! I will let you all know the update tomorrow...now it is time for 90210 on my DVR...damn this show is terrible, and yet I can't turn it off...

Quick Update

we are Back home! They got 25 eggs!! They said 22 were of a high quality! I am so excited. And tired...and maybe a little drugged up. Nick is making breakfast and then I am going to bed. I will update you all with more details later...sleeeeep is calling...

12 hours

We are twelve hours from the egg retrieval and honestly, I can't seem to think about anything else. When Nick and I both came in from work today, we had the following conversation

Me: So, how many eggs do you think they will get tomorrow?

Nick: Doc said around twenty, right?

Me: Um...YEAH, but what do YOU think?

Nick: I am going to go with...around twenty.

Me: How many do you think will fertilize??

Nick: I have no idea...

Me: haven't you been thinking about it all day?

Nick: No...I don't think it would help...just gotta wait and see. Do you wanna order a pizza?

Me: *rolls eyes*...then realized I had no desire to start cooking, and agree to pizza

So...I am kinda alone on an island of my own thoughts. He will talk about it if I keep talking, but honestly I can't seem to get my thoughts to come out into words that sounds much better than, "guess we gotta wait and see...". I am worried about the number of eggs and the OHSS, but I am also worried about the egg quality. We know that endometriosis can damage your eggs, so...it's a concern. I am worried about them fertilizing, and then dividing, and then making it to transfer, and THEN making it to BABIES. Part of me wants to believe it is all going to work, and the other part can barely see that as a possibility. I am so ready to get this started. We are so ready to be parents. I just hope I can sleep tonight and that tomorrow we get a good start to our eventual family.

***I will plan on at least posting the number of eggs we retrieved at some point tomorrow. Not sure if I will be up for more than that, but I am sure I can get some numbers out there for you guys! Thanks for all you amazing support! Not sure how I would do it without you.***

My Little Scientist

Nick is a pretty popular guy this evening. Why? (besides the obvious...that he rocks) Well, have you heard about this little experiment in Switzerland that is possibly going to create a black hole that sucks up the entire earth? Well, it is all over the news (they are flipping on the death machine at 12:30 in the morning our time) and everyone is calling in to Nick to see how he feels about it. He gets off the phone, we restart the DVR and then it rings again. So, as I am sitting here amused with how many people are putting stock in Nick's opinion on this particle accelerator, it reminded me that I don't think I have ever actually told you all what it is that my husband does for a living!

So, if you don't mind, I will brag for just a second. Nick and I both went to UK where I got a BS in Biology and he got a BS in Physics with a minor in math. I really wish I could be all like, our degrees were equally challenging, but that would be a bold face lie. Although I am of the math and science mind, I could NEVER have done the course work Nick completed for his degree. Now, if you ask him, he will say of course I could, it just takes a lot of work and sleepless nights. I am pretty sure I couldn't, no matter if I quit sleeping all together.

Anyway, when he graduated he got a job at the University doing fossil fuel research. He runs tons of insane experiments where his boss comes in and says, "so....lets find a way to make diesel fuel out of recycled plastic!" and Nick says, "yeah...I think I can build something for that...give me a couple months"...AND THEN HE DOES IT! He has several experiments always going at once, and when he is up in New York, he is actually running experiments at a particle accelerator up there (hence all the calls tonight). He has been published and everything. (*wife beaming with pride!!*) All these things make it sound like we should be rolling in cash, but alas, it isn't so. Still, he loves what he does. He loves the challenges that his work brings him, and when he actually finds ways to get plastic hot enough to turn it into diesel fuel, the joy on his face is priceless.

Now, for his opinion on the death machine....he says there is an extremely small chance that it could eventually lead to the end of the world. Small, but possible. He isn't worrying about it, and that is good enough for me!

PS. Don't call him a Physicist...he says he hasn't earned that title, and it is only for people with PhD's. He is just a guy who does some research for a living...

PSS. On to the IVF topic, Trigger shot at 9:15 tonight! They have told me about a million times (okay maybe three) that this is a time sensitive shot and DON'T MISS IT! Now they are giving me a complex that I will forget!

Good News

Well, I finally got some good news from Doc! (okay, it is sprinkled in with bad news, but whatever, we are staying positive around here)! I went in for my ultrasound and blood draw this morning. I kinda wish I had a camera. as he rolled the ultrasound wand over to my right ovary he his eyes were HUGE and the nurse said, "You look like Swiss cheese!!" So...I still have a lot of eggs. A lot of large good looking eggs. He then panned over to the left and it was more of the same. So then we had a little chat. He said he would estimate my egg count to be between twenty and twenty five (can't really count because they are sorta everywhere in there). He expects me to at least struggle with mild Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS), but that the chances that it is serious(like have to cancel the transfer and freeze all eggs...or worse go into the hospital) is less than ten percent. With the size of my eggs, he really did not want to cancel the cycle, but he wanted to see my estrogen count. If all looked good, we were moving forward for an egg retrieval on Thursday, if it was a little high we would give it more time, it it was super high, he would call it all off.

I got the call this afternoon that my estrogen level was "perfect" and we are rolling into the retrieval for Thursday at 7:45am! That is like, TWO DAYS AWAY! I am on Lupron tonight, then my trigger shot tomorrow...and then I AM DONE WITH INJECTIONS!! Now, to the not so good part. Yes, I have 20-25 eggs, but he said once you get over 15 or so, they start to get small and usually not viable. Now, he said my top fifteen should be as good as anybody elses. We are hoping at least a couple of the other five to ten are keepers as well. I am most likely going to feel like crap for at least a little while. He is still hoping for a day three transfer, but we have the option of a day five transfer or, if I get really ill, freezing all embryos and transferring once the OHSS has passed.

There isn't anything we can do about the OHSS now, so I am trying to not worry about it. I am focusing on the positive. Twenty to twenty five eggs. Even if we only end up with ten to fifteen good eggs that fertilize...I will take that start. I know that you lose some along the way, and the more we start with the better! So, we are excited. And terrified. But for now, I am sticking with mostly excited!

New Dose

I really, really meant to post this for you all yesterday, but I was extremely busy...taking a nap the majority of the afternoon. In my own defence, I also worked that morning...and I was just really flipping tired. Anyway, Doc called on Friday afternoon with my blood work results. He said that my estrogen had gone way up since the initial draw, and that they wanted to put the breaks of the Follistim and cut my dose back from 300 to...50. Looks like I was wrong about ordering all those extra meds! Thank God the insurance paid for it...

I did ask if it would be better to cancel the cycle (again) and restart next month and he said no. They basically said that my egg count looks really good, they are just cutting back to prevent me from making anymore. I guess I am strolling down that thin line of lots of eggs vs. hyperstimulation. They seem on top of it, and I trust them. I am going back in tomorrow morning for another ultrasound and blood draw to reevaluate. I am nervous but thrilled at the same time. Everything just seems to be going so fast.

In a separate totally random update, do you know how to tell that your mom loved her forty-tenth birthday present? When her first response is to actually hug the box containing her new pink Kitchenaid mixer! We love you little mommy and are so glad you liked your presents!

Birthday Wishes and Egg Count....

So the two topics for todays post really don't go together well at all...unless you consider that the one thing my mom really wants for her birthday is for a.) baby Avery to come home and b.) for this IVF to work...so in that regard, I guess the two things kinda fit nicely together! Anyway, today is my mom's birthday! She is turning the big forty-ten. She is adamant about never leaving her forty's, and said next year she will be happy to turn forty-eleven! I did mention that considering her oldest child turns the big twenty-ten next week, she is really pretty young! So, happy birthday my perfect little mommy! Love you lots and lots and lots!

Second on the list of big events for the day, I went to see Doc for my ultrasound and blood draw. His exact words were, "You are doing really great...maybe too great...". Apparently as of now I have nine follicles on the right side and "at least ten" on the left. Hmm...so does "too great" flip back around to not so great? I am not sure. He is currently worried about hyperstimulation, which I have read about being a real bitch. At the same time, seeing as how this is possibly our one real shot for egg retrieval, I want to get as many as possible without getting sick. A fine line, I know. He wants to see my estrogen levels, then he will decide if he will cut back my meds. I am just waiting on the call...

As it turns out, I am off work today, so once I was done with Doc I headed straight for the grocery story. This is unlike me. Typically on my day off I lay around the house until four thirty, then I jump up and get some stuff done before Nick gets home. But, since I was already out this morning, and the family is coming to my house for dinner and birthday celebrations, I figured I should get rolling. You know what I learned?? The BEST time to grocery shop is in the morning! Tons of scanners and very few people! GENIUS! Now, will I ever do it again...maybe once the baby comes, but otherwise I will take my time to sleep in when I can! Still, it's good to know!

Keeping Track

So we started stims on Monday. Gotta say, I am not a fan. First off, the shot comes in one of those pen type dispensers. Nick has a hard time with it because as he pushes the plunger in, it clicks and twists. He feels like it is hurting me...and honestly it kinda is. The Folistrum burns like wild fire as it goes in, and then makes me uncomfortable for the next hour or so. Today I actually have to take three (THREE) shots because of the way one vile will run out, I will have to reload and GO AGAIN...AGH. I am already having head aches and odd back aches. I am not sure if this is because I am on a higher dose than normal of if most people's side effects start to set in this early...either way it will be a long two weeks.

Anyway, I was looking in the fridge at the meds yesterday and did some quick math...I realized that I didn't have enough! I called Doc and he said that they order the minimum so that people paying out of pocket for the meds don't have any left over. This seems logical...but when they increased my dose, shouldn't someone have mentioned that I needed a refill? I mean, these meds are shipped to me, and if I didn't find out until I was actually out, it would be DOOM. Okay, maybe not DOOM, but still...I guess I am just happy that at least I was keeping track, because it doesn't seem like anybody else was!

**In a completely different line of thinking, I wanted to mention that Stephenie Meyer has gone and put her 265 page draft of Midnight Sun (Twilight from Edward's prospective) on her website (someone leaked it on the web, so she went ahead and posted it so her fans wouldn't have to break the law to find a copy...) and oh lord it is good. If you read the series, then RUN to the site and read it now. It is incomplete, and she isn't sure if she will finish it...but how I hope she does...Anyway, just thought since I have pushed the books on you all, that you might want to check out the newest instalment!***

Next Step

So we did not get a call from Doc on Friday. No call meant good news. It meant my estrogen level was low enough to allow our IVF cycle. We are really doing this. I am beyond thrilled to not have this cycle stopped before it begins, but at the same time completely terrified. I have followed each step of this infertility process with a clear mind of "well, if this doesn't work then we will...". Maybe it was because we were expecting the struggle due to my endometriosis, maybe it is because a year ago my sister went through the exact same steps, but I felt that I was emotionally prepared to move to IVF. It was difficult to accept that the IUI's did not work, but deep down we did not expect them to. We seemed to both know it would come to this.

Now it is here. Stimulating hormones start today. We are moving full steam ahead into our last best chance. The odds are 50-50. If we transfer three (a decision that will be made once we know the number of eggs and their quality) then those odds will move up to 70-30. They sound like pretty great odds...but mean nothing if we are in the loosing 50 or 30 percent. I have been following so many blogs of other people in our boat. Will be be a lucky one? Will we have the heartbreak of being in the losing half?

Our timeline is once again set, and this time it seems real. In one month we will know if this has worked for us. We hope for eggs to freeze (damn, we hope for eggs to transfer), but we know there are no guarantees. We know that this could be it. Our one shot. I find myself bargaining with God. Explaining why I would be a wonderful parent...trying to talk him into giving us the yes we so want. I know that it doesn't work that way. That this in not a punishment...that it is just a step in our journey. Still it is hard to not try to make the deal. To push the argument with fate that you were MADE for this. Then to realize that you hope you are made for this, because it just doesn't actually seem true. My heart is made for this, but my body is giving me a hell of a lot of trouble.

In this moment I know that our mapped course is coming to an end. Hopefully we don't have to take it any farther than this. We wont have to discuss where the money comes from to try again. What if my eggs are bad? What if none fertilize? What if none survive? What if everything go perfect and we are just that 50 or 30%? Do we try again? Do me move to adoption? WHERE DO WE GET THE MONEY?? I don't want to think of these things. I went to focus on this cycle, the most important of all months. And yet, how do you quite your mind, when it is acting in self defence. It is preparing you for the worst, because it knows you well enough to know you wont survive it without a plan. Without a next step...without an answer.

So...on this first day of September and this first day of Stims, I have a lot on my mind. More than anything I am hopeful. Hopeful that by next month I can put these worries behind me and start to worry about something much much bigger...about having a baby. That I can't let myself think about now, but I hope that is what I write you on the first of October.