Finding the Me in Mommy (or Mama...)

It has been eleven weeks since sweet Henry was born. Eleven wonderful weeks. In that time, I have done next to nothing without having him on my mind. Sure, I have gone to work, I have even gone out to dinner a couple of times without him, but he is always what I am thinking about. Always what I worry about. Honestly, always what I am talking about. I find myself having a hard time carrying on a conversation about anything besides him. I listen to other topics, I participate, and I fight the urge to always say, "SOOOO...back to HENRY!". For eleven weeks he has been everything. My minds every thought. I don't regret this, or even have a problem with it. He is tiny and innocent and so so fragile. He needs to be the first and last thought his mama has every single day. He has needed that dedication, and I have been more than happy to give it. I have given it without question or regret. I have given it without effort. He is everything.

But now, eleven weeks after having him, I am starting to want a little more of a balance. Some equilibrium with my old life. I don't want to be in mommy mode all the time. I do not want to only be able to talk about Henry. To only be able to think about Henry. I want to be able to be a good wife, a good friend, and good daughter and sister. I want most of all to be a great Mama. Henry needs me most, but honestly I need myself as well. I need time to go out and have dinner and drinks with Nick or my girlfriends. To sit there and talk about or lives and our jobs, movies and books. Things that I love besides Henry. Not that I don't love him...of course I love him with my entire heart. But for his own good and mine too, I need to have other interests. Other topics of conversations. Other outings besides baby outings. I need to work on finding out who I want to be now. I am no longer just Sarah, but I am not just Henry's Mama either. I am now both, and I want to be fair to both parts of myself. It will take a while to find the balance. It may take forever. Constantly adjusting for his needs and my own, but I am ready to start working on it. To really find myself in my new roll as Mama.

Verdict

Well, the jury is no longer out. They verdict is in. No dairy. It was clear today (VERY VERY CLEAR) that he cannot handle milk in his system. We learned this because my sister had him and fed him a bottle from milk that was pumped back when I was blissfully unaware ( or possibly in total denial) about the need to reduce or remove dairy from my diet. The result of this bottle...one very sick baby. The hour after the bottle apparently resulted in an alarming amount of spit up. At first we were all like, YAY! clearly he spits up even when I am off dairy! We are in the clear!! Then we realized the milk was pumped back at the beginning of the month and frozen. Back in my diary hay day. Sigh...the good old days.

The spit up I can handle (well, I didn't really have to handle it...Boo and her team teachers did...so TO ME, it didn't seem like a big deal). The real problem came a couple hours later when we got home. Oh guys, his little tummy was a mess. He was screaming and I could hear his stomach churning. It was so pitiful. It was like with every cry he was yelling, "Mama WHY??? You POISONED me!! I TRUSTED you!!!!!!!" He was just looking at me, and he was so sad, and it was clear he was hurting. It was awful.

So...now I know. That will help me stay clear. I can take the spit up, but I cannot for a second take it hurting him. It will be easy to give it up to avoid that. I would give anything up to avoid hurting him. The soy chocolate milk is pretty good. I hear there is killer coconut milk ice cream (Thanks Dara!!) and I am sure there is some kind of substitute for cheese. I would be pretty jazzed about the possible weight loss, but alas, last week I managed to gain a pound with my "cutting back". Clearly I am finding something to fill the gaps that dairy has left behind!

Morning Smiles

This is how Henry wakes up in the morning. Warms my heart every single day. He is just the sweetest baby I have ever known. Today we were lucky enough to get to lay around and do nothing for a few hours. Well...at least Henry got to do nothing. Mama had to do some work from home (wish I could ALWAYS work from home!) then work out on the Wii Fit a little (don't be impressed...it is a rare event) change the laundry, do the dishes, pay the bills, and then jump in the shower to go hang out with some of our friends. And it is only ten in the morning. Life really is changing...

Anyway, we've got places to go and people to see, so I guess this post is short and sweet. Just wanted to stop in on my day off (ha...day off...) to say hi! Just as a quick update, the jury is still out on the dairy situation. Seems like going all the way off (not even any butter...at dinner last night I got broccoli with my meal instead of a baked potato...BROCCOLI!) so we are rolling with it for the next week. By then we should really be able to tell if it makes a difference.

Okay okay, I gotta run. Like I said, places to go, people to see.


**Henry says, "COME ON MAMA! I am ready to gooooooo!"

Dairy Update

I feel that my hiatus from all things dairy is coming to an end. It just isn't working! Henry is still spitting up the same as before, so I just don't see that there is a point. I hate this! How can people just NOT EAT DAIRY. Well...I mean....how can people MOSTLY not eat dairy. Because...you see...I haven't actually gone off dairy for a full day just yet. But...but...I have cut WAY down. Some days I eat next to no dairy at all! Plus, I am no longer drinking milk. NO MILK. (That is like, putting an entire cow of of work...which doesn't seem right at all) And on top of that I really have cut back. WAY back. I just couldn't go all the way off until we ate the dinners I had already bought at the store. I can't just drop dairy when I have a house full of food that requires it! That is bad for our budget. So you see...I HAD to eat it. Obviously.

Now, you may be thinking that my entire, "It doesn't help anyways" argument is out the window seeing as how I haven't REALLY given it up, but I disagree. First off, I did cut back. Seriously. The no milk thing is big. If he had dairy issues, wouldn't he get a LITTLE better with me going off milk? I think so. Also, the other day I was having milk issues (with my milk, not cows milk) My supply was really low, and I decided it was the me going off milk thing. I decide to screw it and drink milk until my heart was content. So I did. I drank two large glasses and one small glass that evening (oh lord it was delicious). I then called the doctor the next morning and they said I was wrong about the "drink milk=make milk" connection, and that I just needed to increase my fluids and take this medicine. Soooo...I decided to view it as an experiment. If Henry spit up like crazy, then we knew all that milk was an issue. BUT he didn't! He was totally normal. Case solved! Milk is NOT the problem.

But...but...I have a little nagging guilt over not going ALL THE WAY off So just for a test, I am doing it Friday-Monday. No dairy. For real this time. If he is still the same, I am scrapping the entire plan and drinking milk until my heart's content. Then at least I will have tried. I haven't had any dairy since dinner last night and I am still alive. I can do this for two more days! Let's not talk about it actually working. we will cross that bridge when we get to it...

Big Boy Bed

So it's official. It is time for Henry to move from the bassinet to the crib. I thought it might be time when we woke up to find him all the way at the bottom of the bassinet with is feet all tighed up Indian style. I thought, "He learned to scooch down. Crazy. maybe it's time. No...not yet. He is okay. He's not ready"

Another week went by and every morning has scooched to the bottom. I am impressed with his scooching ability, but obviously he still needs to sleep in our room. He is so little...he isn't ready. Then I hear something. I think, "What is that noise? Oh. Look at that. He is hitting his hands on the side of the bassinet. Crazy. Maybe it is time. No...not yet. He is okay. He's not ready."

I started letting him take his naps in his crib, but at bedtime he was still with us. He needed to be close. Another week went by and the other night he started to cry. I went to check on him and he had scooched UP. His head was hanging off the top of the sleep positioner (it's a wedge) and up against the top of the bassinet. I thought " Well now he really is scooching. We have to move him tomorrow night. It's time. He's ready."

But when I went to lay him in his big boy crib I was so sad. I like him being close. I flipped off the light and it was so dark. His little lamp still doenst have a low watt bulb. I though, "it is WAY to dark in here. I can't see him to check on him. He isn't ready for this! Not until I buy the bulb. No, no. Clearly not ready."

So I scooped him back up and put him back in his bassinet. He slept through the night for the first time. eleven to six thirty. I laid there that morning fully rested as I listened to him stir in his bassinet. He is be ready, but I am not. Still. He is ready. I will go buy the new bulb so he can make the change. Maybe tomorrow night. Not tonight, but it's time.

**Henry says, "What's the big deal Mama?? I LOVE sleeping in my crib!**

Tight

So yesterday I went to a play with my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law. It was the Secret Garden and it was put on at this tiny little playhouse in the town where my MIL lives. It was wonderful. I LOVE going to see plays. I honestly forget how much I enjoy it until I am there, and they bust out in song and I just get so excited! Love love love it.

Anyway, seeing as how I was going to a play I had to dress nice. I mean, it's a PLAY. You always gotta dress nicer than jeans and a t-shirt for a play. The problem...all I really have in my post pregnancy wardrobe are jeans and t-shirts. I know I told you I fit into that one pair of pre-pregnancy shorts, but they were my IVF shorts . I was already bigger than I had ever been, so I bought then to live in while doing IVF. The rest of my pre-pregnancy pre-IVF clothes are totally off limits.

Well, I had a plan. I had this dress. I tried it on a couple weeks ago and it looked pretty good, so I was going to wear that! No need to worry. No need to stress. I've got it covered. Well...Yesterday morning I put on said dress. Let's just say it wasn't as cute as I remembered. You could totally see my bra, which was not possible to not wear do to the nursing boobs, and it just hung weird and just looked too big. I asked Nick if it was okay, and he was quite. Not a good sign.

I panicked. I started flying through my closet hoping for ANYTHING I could squeeze into I found these black pin stripe pants and a black top. Black is good when you feel huge, right?? The entire outfit was bought right before my wedding, so it was definitely for the small version of me. I was doubtful, but I had been able to get the pants on in the IVF days, so I thought there was a chance. The pants were the kind with the two sliding clasps and with a button. I thought I could maybe slide the far clasp into the second clasps spot. Well, I did that, but it looked stupid as hell. So, I took the deepest breath imaginable and managed to actually get the pants to button and both clasps in place. It wasn't a pretty sight, but once I did a little stretching and got my shirt on it was a passable outfit!

Now, I was pretty pleased. I mean, I was actually WEARING my pre-pregnancy/ pre-IVF pin striped black pants!! AMAZING!! They were tight, and I wasn't winning any awards in them, but Nick and I both agreed it was an acceptable outfit. By the time I got home I was considering trying on ALL my pre-pregnancy pants. I mean, they just need a little stretching, and they will TOTALLY work!! That was...until I went to get off the pin striped pair. And I COULD NOT get the button undone. The sliding clasps were easy enough, but the button. THE BUTTON!

Seriously people. I COULDN'T GET THEM OFF! I tried to suck in, I tried to lay down. I tried EVERYTHING! Who in the hell gets STUCK in a pair of pants?? Finally after an embarrassing amount of time I manage to punch the hell out of my skin and get them undone. I think the horror is over, then I see it. The solid red band around my stomach and the perfect outline of the button in my skin. Yes. I branded myself. I figured it would go away soon, but several hours later the branding was still there. When I woke up the morning only the faint outline of the button remains. Good to know I didn't scar myself for life.

Clearly, I need a little more work before I will be fitting into my pre-IVF clothes again. A girl can only take so much.

Night Out

I am so excited. We are going to see Harry Potter tonight! It will be my first movie in AGES. We are big movie people. Well, maybe I am a big movie person. I LOVE going to the movies. Nick thinks it's just okay...something to do when you REALLY want to see something, but not an every weekend type of affair. I, on the other hand, will see ANYTHING in the theater. You never know what you might like! I remember so clearly my dad DRAGGING us to see Forest Gump. I DID NOT want to go. It looked HORRIBLE. Then....the love. It was so great!! I had no idea!! I was changed. I would from then on give any movie a try. You never know what you might love. You never know what might be the next Forest Gump! On top of my desire to see every movie in the theater, I developed as desire to see them FIRST. Like, midnight show first. Definitely opening weekend. I have a fear of people ruining movies for me. A serious fear. I will basically cover my ears and scream, "Don't say ANYTHING!!!" just to get my point across that I REALLY don't want to know what happens.


Anyway, this is our first movie night since Henry. We have a babysitter (Thanks Nana!!) and we have friends going with us. We have our tickets and our dinner plans. We are totally set. It wont be like last week, when we were all ready for our first date night since Henry, then we went to get our movie tickets for Angles and Demons we found out that...IT WAS OUT OF THE THEATER! What the hell?? How did we TOTALLY miss it. It hasn't been out THAT long. I NEVER miss a movie I really want to see! Then we figured we would see Star Trek. But...IT WAS OUT OF THE THEATER TOO! My word. Time really does fly once you have a baby. Once he got here we had WAY more important things to do...like cover him in kisses.Still, I am a huge Harry Potter fan, so this was a must see!

Here is Henry talking to his Papa about why he doesn't get to come see Harry Potter.
Henry is not pleased to be missing the big show, but figures his Nana will spoil him rotten, so it is also a good trade!

**man, this post ha a lot of capital letters...clearly I wanted to make sure you understood exactly how much movies mean to me!

Avery

I am back to work full time this week. It is going okay. Better than expected I guess. I get to come home and nurse him on lunch, so that helps. I am so glad I eased into it with the part time. Still, the days are long and when I get home I want to do nothing but love on my sweet boy.

Soooo.....I am going to go do that. I just really wanted to drop in and tell you to go take a look at my sisters blog if you have time. She went to visit her daughter Avery in Guatemala this past weekend and she has the sweetest slide show that I have ever seen. Definitely worth checking out how beautiful my niece is!

For the Love of Dairy

So Henry's two month check up went really well. I mean, I dressed him all super cute to show him off, then on the way he spit up all over himself...but that was okay. Then my mom got him out of his car seat to show him off (by the way, my mom works at his pediatricians office) and then he spit up again...this time all over himself AND all over my mom...but you know, babies do that. Then we stripped him down to get weighed...and he spit up all over me....then the doctor came in to check him out and he spit up on the table.

So...Henry has a little spit up problem. I have tried to ignore it. All babies do it. He is NORMAL. EVERYONE spits up ALL THE TIME. It honestly comes and goes, and he was at his worst at the office. Still, when his wonderful pediatrician looked at him, and then at me with spit-up down my shirt, and my mom with it on her scrubs, and it on the table, she said the words I have been dreading...."Mama, you might want to go off dairy and see if it helps."

No.

NOOOOOOO.

I think she saw the horror in my eyes. She said she knows it's hard. She had to do it too when she was breast feeding. I just have to try it for a few days and if it doesn't help then he just has a little reflux, but it is worth checking out. If it helps, I can try to work a little dairy back in over time. Like a piece of cheese a day.

A PIECE OF CHEESE A DAY.

But. BUT. I take in a lot of dairy. A LOT OF DAIRY. Nick and I go through two and a half gallons of milk every week. EVERY WEEK. I drink it with breakfast. I drink it with dinner. I drink it with my milk and cookies every night (shut up). I cook with it. I for the life of me cannot think of anything I make that doesn't have real butter, milk, sour cream, real cheese or cream cheese in it (but WHYYYYY can't I lose these last ten pounds??) How do I just cut out dairy?? I LOOOOOVE Dairy. Dairy and I are BFF's. I can't just ABANDON her now!

But the spit up. It is constant. It is pitiful. The little voice in my head had told me a couple of weeks ago that it might be the dairy, but the big voice in my head told the little voice to shut up and shred some cheese for dinner. Still, now that the doctor has said it I have to try it. It won't be forever. I can do it for Henry. I can. I can. I can. I can. Is it wrong I hope that it isn't the dairy, so it isn't my fault he spits up and we can go back to our dairy bliss?? I don't WANT him to spit up...I just want a solution that isn't a dairy free year...

Two Months

Dear Henry,

I cannot believe you are two months old today. I guess this is how many of these letters will start..."how are you this old already!?!" will just be something I will continue to be shocked by. People told me before you were born to enjoy you when you are little because it goes by so fast. I thought I knew, but I really had no idea how right they are. You are two months. Already. Time is going so fast, and you keep getting bigger. It makes me so happy as you grow, but at the same time I want time to slow so I can enjoy you more each day.

You went to the doctor today and we found out that you now weight nine pounds and five ounces (10th percentile). You are growing so fast! In no time at all you will be totally caught up with other babies your age and we won't be able to tell you were three weeks early. Even though you are still on the small side, you are right where you should be for a two month old. You are now following things with your eyes and constantly studying things around you. You love to coo and make sweet little noises for us. You are smiling now, but we are still waiting for those true smiles of recognition when me or your papa come in the room. Now you smile more randomly, but we know those smiles of true joy are just around the corner!

I think you are going to be a thumb sucker. When you are stressed you automatically look for your hands to get them in your mouth. You have even started noozeling them the way you do when you are going to eat. It makes me and your Papa laugh to see you trying to nurse on your own hands! You actually love to eat and so easily take a bottle, but also latch on to anything (like your hands, my arm, someones finger...ANYTHING at all!) just to see if there is a chance milk will come out! Nursing you is so easy now, it is hard for me to remember that it was such a struggle in the beginning. I am so glad we made it and that I am able to now breastfeed you so easy. I love that time.

AS you grow you are developing such a sweet personality. You have things you are starting to love. You love when I take you for a walk. I let you sit up a little and you just look around totally amazed. You still love your swing, but now you also love your mobile in your crib. I think you have a love of music. The mobile and the swing sooth you so well, and so does your papa playing the guitar. You just sit and watch him play for you, completely content. You love to look out the window and you love to sleep in our bed! We try to make that a special treat, but there is nowhere you sleep better. We still have you in the bassinet in our room at night, but that is now more for us than you. I think you would be very happy in your crib, but I want to keep you close to us for a little while longer!

Oh Henry, you are such a good boy. Your Papa and I are just totally amazed with you every single day. As hard as it is for me to believe you are two months old, it is also hard for me to believe you were ever not here. You have taken such a large part of my heart I just can't imagine it being whole before you came along. It is like that part of my heart must have just been on hold, waiting for you to be here so it could love you this much. You are our perfect growing boy, and I am so thankful for you every single day.

XOXO,

Mama

Morning Routine

So yesterday morning I was nursing Henry before work. We are getting a pretty good morning routine down, which is super exciting. It helps that the sweet boy loves to sleep at night. He goes to bed around 10:30 and sleeps until around four, then he is back up between seven and seven thirty to nurse before I head off to work. Once-a-night feeding that has me out of the bed for a total of thirty minutes. This boy is awesome.

Anyway, I obviously still love my sleep, so I have been working on getting the morning routine down as fast as possible. One time saver is for me to eat breakfast while he nurses. Seems smart to me. We get to enjoy our breakfast together! Genius, right? So he was nursing and I was having my coffee and doughnuts (I am healthy, I know). When he is done I burp him, then I pull him away from me and I see my bra has something all over it ( I was nursing shirtless...less mess in the morning) my thought process was as follows:

What is THAT? is that...is that BLOOD?!?!

Oh my GOD he is BLEEDING!!!!!! He is totally BLEEDING all over the place!!!!! *starts frantically searching for the open wound. It MUST be here somewhere!!!*

Wait...what is THAT?? *inspects baby's outfit a little closer*

OH. Right. Chocolate.

Should I lick it off?? No no...that would be wrong. Obviously.

So..yeah, I totally dripped chocolate off my doughnut on to my tiny baby. Then I panicked and thought it was blood. Poor poor Henry. His Mama is clearly a crazy person...who is a messy eater. A bad combination.
Here is our very first self portrait just to show I don't let him ALWAYS sit around covered in chocolate. I do occasionally dress him in extremely high waisted sweat pants though...like I said, poor poor Henry.

First Love

Well, it's official. Henry is in love. His first girl friend has now been born! Our sweet family friend Mandy (and bio girl reader! helloooooo new Mama!) had her sweet little girl Leighton Lane on Monday. Clearly her and Henry are meant for each other!

I can hear Henry's thoughts now, "MAMA! WHY did you take the picture where you can see STRAIGHT up my NOSE! What will Leighton think of me???" And then I say, "Oh Henry, at least there isn't any boogers up there!" and then Henry says, "Ahhh hahaha! BOOGERS" (he is a boy...boogers are funny to boys right?? I am out of my element here...)

Anyway, here is another shot of the new Mama's with enjoying each other's sweet new babies. Welcome to the world Miss Leighton Lane. You are so adorable and we can't wait to see you again!

Planning

Nick and I both come from families of three children. We both are extremely close in age to both of our siblings (both middle children...what are the odds?). I have a pretty strong suspicion that very little family planning went into the timing of us and our siblings (or rather, that our parents went with the "whatever happens happens" planning), but I know we both love that everyone is so close in age. Because of this, and because Henry is like the best baby ever, we both like the idea of having another baby close to him in age. Not like, right now, but not years down the road. Maybe two years apart. Maybe even closer than that. What we know is that we want them close in age.

But deep down, what I REALLY want, is to not have to plan. To not have to think about WHEN to have another baby. To not have to start injections and mood swings or have to deal with doctors and procedures to make our next baby. What I really truly want is to one day realize I am late, and to take a test. To be surprised with the news. Henry is so perfect and I have no regrets about how we got to him. I just wish it didn't have to be so hard.

So, the point of all of this is that I had my six week follow up last week, and I was asked about birth control. Nick and I had talked about it before we went, and really we were both okay with the "let what happens happen" approach. How do I get on birth control now when every infertile bone in my body says it is CRAZY. I don't WANT to be on the pill. I want the chance at an accidental pregnancy. But I have to be realistic and grown up. I know we have our six frozen embryos. Embryo's I am not okay destroying, or donating to another couple, or to science. Embyo's that I want to give a chance. So how can I be reckless and "let what happens happen" when we have these six maybe babies that we have put on hold. How do I make that decision??

BUT, what if none of those six take? What if we wait and we lose our window of good fertile time and then we can't have any later? How do you decide? How do you chose a plan when you don't know what will work? Infertility is such a bitch.

So, we decided the best thing to do is be responsible, at least for now. I feel like we made a commitment to our six embryos. It doesn't feel right to just ignore them. We are going on birth control. Soon, maybe in a year, we will go in and talk about a frozen transfer. We will not wait long because we don't want my time to be out due to my endo and us to be out of options. But our first shot has to be the embryo's that we have. We will just have to go from there. It just feels so wrong to be on the pill after all we did to get here. I just hate that it can't come easy for us.

Happy 4th of July!

Hope all my readers that are in the US are enjoying the holiday weekend! (and all non-US readers are enjoying a totally normal summer weekend too!) We spent the day with friends and family over at my father-in-laws house. We had big plans for out door events and a pool party, but the rain sorta ruined all that. Still, we had a blast spending time together, eating great food and setting off fireworks. All in all a really great 4th of July!

PS. I officially wore a pair of my very own pre-pregnancy shorts to the cook-out. It was a holiday miracle. What?? You haven't heard of 4th of July miracles?? They can happen. They just aren't as common as the Christmas miracles...

Six Week Pictures

I am doing so much better. It gets a little easier everyday. I hate being away from my sweet boy, but I am happy to be back to work. I love my job and my coworkers and it is really going okay. It helps to make the days easier that he is so darn cute and loving when I get home!

Monday, as a reward for me being a big girl and going to work, I decided to reward myself with pictures of Henry! Well...it was a reward and it was just time for his first professional pictures. Anyway, I thought I would share them with you all! I don't have a scanner, so I just took pictures of the pictures. Not the best way to see them, but you will get the general idea. Trust me, the real ones look way better and are totally in focus and what not. Still, he is basically the cutest baby in the entire world in these pictures (according to a totally un-bias Mama)

This is the actual outfit I brought for the pictures, but as you can see he was totally not interested in waking up. Still, he is pretty darn cute while he sleeps!

Then I decided to strip him down to his diaper. The look on his face totally says, "MAMA! WHY is this strange lady taking pictures of me NAKED?!?!"

Then I put him in one of his gowns long t-shirts and he was finally awake and let us take this completely adorable six week pic!

For the record, DO NOT change your child's clothes when going to get pictures taken unless you want to buy as least one shot in each outfit. It is impossible to just ignore the other options. Also, it is hard as hell to pic the PERFECT picture of your sweet baby. Did you all know that? Boo and I sat there and watched other mom's look at pictures that were basically identical and be all like, "well...I just love them BOTH! How do I CHOOSE???" and I was all judgy-judgerson and like, "MY GOD, just PICK one!!" *in my head of course* Then...it was my turn...and I was all like, "Hmmmm....I am just not sure...can I see the first ten again?? Can I see them next to each other?? Can I start over from the beginning??? I can't DECIDE!" So....right. No more judging other moms*.

*this may be a promise I cannot keep.