Planning

Nick and I both come from families of three children. We both are extremely close in age to both of our siblings (both middle children...what are the odds?). I have a pretty strong suspicion that very little family planning went into the timing of us and our siblings (or rather, that our parents went with the "whatever happens happens" planning), but I know we both love that everyone is so close in age. Because of this, and because Henry is like the best baby ever, we both like the idea of having another baby close to him in age. Not like, right now, but not years down the road. Maybe two years apart. Maybe even closer than that. What we know is that we want them close in age.

But deep down, what I REALLY want, is to not have to plan. To not have to think about WHEN to have another baby. To not have to start injections and mood swings or have to deal with doctors and procedures to make our next baby. What I really truly want is to one day realize I am late, and to take a test. To be surprised with the news. Henry is so perfect and I have no regrets about how we got to him. I just wish it didn't have to be so hard.

So, the point of all of this is that I had my six week follow up last week, and I was asked about birth control. Nick and I had talked about it before we went, and really we were both okay with the "let what happens happen" approach. How do I get on birth control now when every infertile bone in my body says it is CRAZY. I don't WANT to be on the pill. I want the chance at an accidental pregnancy. But I have to be realistic and grown up. I know we have our six frozen embryos. Embryo's I am not okay destroying, or donating to another couple, or to science. Embyo's that I want to give a chance. So how can I be reckless and "let what happens happen" when we have these six maybe babies that we have put on hold. How do I make that decision??

BUT, what if none of those six take? What if we wait and we lose our window of good fertile time and then we can't have any later? How do you decide? How do you chose a plan when you don't know what will work? Infertility is such a bitch.

So, we decided the best thing to do is be responsible, at least for now. I feel like we made a commitment to our six embryos. It doesn't feel right to just ignore them. We are going on birth control. Soon, maybe in a year, we will go in and talk about a frozen transfer. We will not wait long because we don't want my time to be out due to my endo and us to be out of options. But our first shot has to be the embryo's that we have. We will just have to go from there. It just feels so wrong to be on the pill after all we did to get here. I just hate that it can't come easy for us.