Sammie

My cat is sick. He is getting older (he is 17) and I just don't know what to do. I don't know when to say it's his time. Most of the time he seems fine, but then he starts throwing up and I look at Nick and ask, "Is he sick enough? Is it time? Am I being cruel keeping him with us? Am I jumping the gun and really he is fine? HOW DO YOU KNOW??"

Nick has no answers for me. Sammie is my cat. Nick tolerates him, but his opinion is not what matters. It is my decision. And I just cannot make it. I promised myself I would never keep him alive just for me. That I would never make him suffer just because I couldn't let him go. Is that what I am doing now? I just don't know. Last night he threw up, and there was blood in it. Blood. Not a lot, but it was definitely blood. That doesn't seem good. Even typing it out makes me feel like you all will say, "IT'S TIME!!!" but then I look at him today and he seems fine. His normal self. Sometimes he acts off. Like he doesn't know where he is. Then other times he is completely his loving self. He throws up all the time, but he still eats and drinks and seems normal. Most of the time.

I just don't know. When I was pregnant he got bad. I just couldn't do it then. Things were so up in the air and I just wanted to wait. He got better...and now he is worse again. I am taking our dog Ellie to the vet for a scratch on her back today, and I thought maybe I should take him too. But really, I know the only reason to take him in at this point is to take him in for the last time. And I cannot do that. Not today. Not by myself. he doesn't seem sick enough for that. But then, how do you know?? I thought I would know on my own, but now I am not so sure. My heart is so sad for him. I don't want it to be time, but I think it's soon.

Missing

So...we have a confession to make. Something you may have noticed...but something that isn't as clear in pictures as it is in real life...something Henry doesn't really want me talking about or pointing out to you all, but I feel it is time to come clean. Henry has lost something. This picture might help you to see a change in Henry. A little something...that is now missing....(also, my LORD he was tiny! Look at my precious little jaundice baby!!!)

See something that might be gone?? Henry says, "Wait? What are you about to tell everyone?? I wasn't paying attention!!"

"Mama....I am serious. I don't want to talk about this. I look FINE. NOTHING is missing. Let's just leave this alone" (also, what color are these eyes?? At this point it is anybodys guess...)

"Look Mama, LOOK! I will smile for you on CAMERA! That will distract you from telling my little secret! DON'T take another PICTURE!!"

"Damn you, Mama. It was a SECRET!"

Mama says, "HENRY! Don't say Damn! Anyway, you don't need to be embarrassed that you lost all of your hair except that little ring around your neck! It's ADORABLE! Just like YOU!!"*kiss kiss hug hug kiss kiss hug hug*

"Darn you Mama. Darn you to Heck"

Change of Weather

So Henry had out grown all of his 0-3 months clothes (*sob*) so I had to pick him up some 3-6 month stuff. The problem was, all they seemed to have in all the stores was fall stuff! All corduroy and long sleeves. I am a big fan of fall, so I totally thought the clothes were adorable, but I was like, "no no no. It is still the HEAT of summer! He needs BREEZY!" (I use words like breezy. I am not embarrassed) I then went to Babies R Us and hit a huge sale where I got an entire new wardrobe for the boy. All sleeveless and cool. Perfect for the roasting August's and Septembers we have here in Kentucky. As I was checking out I thought, "He might not even need 3-6 month fall clothes! He might be in 6-9months before it gets cool enough around here to need long sleeves! I am a genius for hitting this sale and getting an ENTIRE second summer wardrobe! GENIUS!"

And then...literally, the MOMENT I walked out of the store I was like, "man...it's sorta...cool outside..." But I knew it would pass and the heat would return. I went home and removed all tags from the new clothes and washed them...because I am an idiot. And now it has stayed cool. We are in the 70's with a nice Fall breeze. Next week we are suppose to be in the 60's. THE SIXTY'S! That is totally corduroy and long sleeve weather! What the hell am i doing with a baby with an entire new summer wardrobe in sixty degree weather?? Good thing it was all on super sale. I think I might have to go back out shopping soon.

**Also, as a side note, my fall allergies are in full swing. MISERY. The doctor told me to take allergy medicine as sparing as possible because it will dry up my milk. So...I am just suffering through. I*sniff sniff*

Girls Night

On Monday I spent my day off from work loving my time with Henry. We took a nice long walk and spent time trying to learn to roll over. We cuddled and laughed and played with his toys. We read books and watched Lost (of course we did). We went to Charing's so she could spend time with him. Even with the fighting of the naps, it was a great day.

Then that night, I fed him and kissed his sweet head and handed him to Nick. I got in my car and went to dinner with my girl friends. Just me and them. No babies, no men, just the girls. We talked and laughed and caught up with each others lives. I know I talked about Henry, but I know I talked about a lot of other things too. I listened to what was happening in their lives, and I enjoyed every second of it. Nothing amazing happened, but I had a wonderful dinner with my wonderful girl friends. I had missed that kind of time more than I realized. It was nice to know Nick and Henry were enjoying their night together, and I was having a good night on my own. I wouldn't want to do it every night, but for Monday, it was really perfect.

Nap Time

Henry has been a great sleeper since the moment we brought him home. He was fine to lay in his bed and fall asleep. He would take his naps, he would sleep at night. If we put him in his bed he was like, "what?? Is it bed time?? Cool! zzzzzzzzzz". I knew it was too good to last. Henry has apparently decided he is now too old for naps. Lovely. Yesterday I COULD NOT get him to lay down, so finally I dropped him in his car seat and headed to my sister-in-laws. I figured if he was going to be cranky, might as well let her hold him while he fusses! Once we got home he was still very anti-nap. He fought it and fought it and would NOT sleep at bed time. He was clearly tired. He would dose, then jerk back awake as if to say, "I wasn't sleeping! I am FINE!"

I thought he was just off his schedule and would be fine today, but once again he was not interested in napping this morning. We took a walk to help him calm down and he passed out, but once we got back into the house he was wide awake and wanted nothing but to be held and to chew on my finger (passie would not do...MUST be mama's finger!). His little head would droop and I would think, "Ahhh...here it is" and then I would lay him down and the screaming would start. *sigh*

He finally wore himself out and is sleeping in his crib. We will see how long it lasts. I already miss the days when he just happily drifts off to sleep as soon as we lay him down. WHY would he fight it?? Sleeping is so WONDERFUL! Oh Henry...you will wish you had this time to sleep when you are older!

Three Month Pictures

Nick and I took Henry to get his three month pictures taken today. Nick didn't come with me last time and I ended up buying three different poses. I really figured he would keep a level head and we would come home with one, maybe two, this time around. Apparently he is just as bad as me and CANNOT say no to adorable pictures of our sweet boy. This is my favorite. Isn't he the most adorable thing you have ever seen!?!?

Nick loves the ones in the overalls. They are pretty stinkin' cute too.

Then we got this close up one of him smiling...

This one is all Nick. I was like, "No" and he was like, "WHAT?? It's AWESOME!" And I was like, "???" and he was like, "!!!" so we got it. It's growing on me.

We did agree on this one because he looks perfect in every way.

And those are the five we bought. BUT THEN, they gave us a cd...and I thought it would only have the ones we bought on it, but NO. It has ALL the pictures on it! So if I feel that I don't have quite enough pictures to document him at three months, I can always go get this one...

Henry says, "Mama, I TOTALLY have this standing thing under control!"

Or this one...

Serious but adorable.

Plus there are 35 more. Just in case we need them. Anybody need some pictures of a perfect boy?

Addict

I have a confession to make. I am totally and utterly addicted to Lost. Seriously. Like hooked bad. I have a second confession. I am also addicted to old episodes of ER. I know. Kinda embarrassing. I know what with my running (walking ) a 5K you probably assumed I gave up TV all together for a healthier lifestyle...but...you see...I can actually explain. Henry used to take AGES to breast feed. Like an hour. Sometimes more. And I was feeding him every three hours, so I was feeding him ALL THE TIME. And I was just...sitting around. And I love to look at his little face and watch him nurse, but after awhile I was sorta like, "COME ON!" So I decided to start getting Lost from Netflix (again). And I was pretty into the second season, but then the third season started and I was all like, " I CANNOT STOP WATCHING!" and I would watch an entire dvd in a day. Easy.

But...it takes a couple days to get a new dvd from Netflix (and I WOULD NOT allow myself to increase our plan for my Lost addiction...because then it is out of control and I was TOTALLY in control of the addiction) So I started watching ER on TNT. And it was when George Clooney was still on and it was full of drama and intrigue and I was totally hooked. I watched all through my maternity leave and then I started DVRing it because I could watch it later, and then the next thing I knew the baby only took fifteen minutes to eat, but I still had Lost coming in the mail and ER filling up my DVR box, and I would just stop watching but I CAN'T STOP because now I am VESTED in these shows and the only answer is to watch them all the way to the end. You might be asking what Henry does as I watch all this ER and Lost. Well...

Sometimes I watch it when he is napping or in bed, but...I have another confession. Henry loves TV. Loves it. And he isn't interested in Baby Einstein. He likes the real thing (smart baby). SO...we watch together (not like ALL THE TIME. Obviously). I cover his eyes if it gets to scary, but he really wants to find out what happens with Carter now that Lucy died (oops....spoiler alert if anybody else is watching ER from 1999) or why Lock thought it was okay to totally blow up the submarine (oops again...anybody behind on Lost??) I know I should be showing him flash cards and teaching him to read before he can even walk, but I think he is totally learning problem solving skills from Lost. I mean, that show will keep anybody guessing. So really, it is all for the best.

Midsummer Nights Run

In an attempt to be sorta active and feel involved and what not, my sisters and I decided to participate in the Midsummer Nights Run. It's an annual 5K that our city does to promote fitness.
For the record, when I say we "participated" I totally mean we just walked. There was no RUNNING of the 5K. More of a leisurely stroll...but we brought Henry so we were thinking maybe it would look like we ALWAYS ran, but this year we had a new baby so we were just going to take it easy...little did I know there were like serious mom-runners there...with jogging strollers and everything. Crazy.
See that little girl standing behind me? She beat us. Kids are seriously fast runners. Henry passed out before it even started, but he did wake up at the end and enjoy the walk
Still, we got cool things like numbers to pin on our chests and timers to go on our shoes...
We were pretty impressed that we actually wore walking clothes and had on tennis shoes (we are sandal and flip flop girls)...while taking this picture of our shoes and posing for shots with the baby we realized everyone else was stretching and like, warming up for the RACE...I think they figured out that it was our first 5K
Action shot...way to busy trying to win the race to stop for a picture. Of course, about fifteen minutes into the race we saw the leaders coming back to finish. We were all like, "Man! This is EASY! If they are almost done, it can't be that far!" We then managed to get off course entirely, get back on, find new things in our city we had never seen (like a new Jimmy Johns), run into a mob of people who had already finished and were blocking the course because they assumed the race was over, and then finally after an hour we crossed the finish line. We looked to our right and there was an elderly couple holding hands. We looked to our left and there was a man with a cane....and we all finished at the same time. All in all, an extremely respectable finish, right?? Still, we FINISHED a 5k! Pretty darn proud. Just wish I had money with me to buy a funnel cake as a reward...

Football Fan

I have mentioned before that we are big football fans around here. So, with the start of the NFL preseason we have started Henry's training on the love of the game. Clearly he is a natural born fan!Here is Nick, Henry and Papaw enjoying the Bengals game

Three Months

Dear Henry,

You amaze me every single day with how much you are growing and changing. I think back to three months ago and am just in shock of how far you have come so fast. You love standing up and your little legs are getting so strong. It used to be such a struggle for you to control your little head, but now it is something you do without effort. You love to look around and see what is happening around you. We can tell now that when you look at things, you truly look at them. You are so interested in this world. You love music, and you love when people read to you and talk to you. You have decided you are no longer content just being held "like a baby" in the cradle hold, and now you much prefer to be held upright so you can see the world. You actually like it best when I hold you facing out so you can REALLY see. But still, when you are in a cuddly mood you will let me hold you upright and you will lay your little head on my shoulder. I love it so much. When you are tired I can still hold you in the cradle hold, and I love that too. You are so very sweet.

You are getting so much bigger, but when we go out people still talk about how tiny you are. We went to the doctor last week and you are up to ten pounds eight ounces and are now 23 inches long. You are still small for your age, but you are catching up. People love looking at you and you will sometimes put on a show and give them a big smile. You are such a happy little boy. It is so easy to please you. Your swing is still a favorite spot, but you are starting to enjoy other things too. You sit in your bebepod seat and look around at everyone. You love being in your crib with the mobile on, or on your play-mat with the music. Honestly, you love anywhere we put you.

You are developing a little temper and you have found a way of telling us you don't like something. You scream. When you cry, instead of crying "whaaaa....whaaaa" you actually cry, "Maaaaaaa....Maaaaaaa" It is so pitiful and so funny at the same time. You go from zero to sixty in the blink of an eye. You don't get mad often, but when you do...oh man. You are serious. Usually it is all made okay by me feeding you. That is always an acceptable answer for one of your fits.

Even when you cry, you warm our hearts. We love every second we get to spend with you. Now that you are becoming so interactive with us we love it even more. You love it when we sing for you, or we play with you. You will smile so big when me or your Papa comes in the room. You watch us and your eyes are so filled with love. It is overwhelming. It is hard for my heart to handle the amount of love I have for you. Your sweet smile gets me through my days. You have such a sweet nature. I am not sure how we got so lucky to have such a perfect little boy.

XOXO,

Mama

Talking

Thank you all for being so sweet about my post yesterday. It really does help to talk about it (or write about it) and to know that you all understand. Now, in order to move that post down and to talk about more enjoyable things, I thought I would share a quick video of sweet Henry so you all can see him in action! He is really working on talking these days, and loves it when you talk back to him with one syllable sounds...hence Nick making all that noise in the back ground.

Henry Talking from Sarah on Vimeo.Of course as soon as we were done I attempted to retake the video with a little more planning. the TV is off in the second one, and his head is a little more straight. Of course he sits there like a bump on a log in it and refuses to make a peep. Such is life. I sorta like the TV-crooked head one now...seems more like us.

Body Image

I am struggling with my body image. There. I have actually said it. I have tried to act like it is fine, but really I need to say it. Having a baby totally messed with my body. It did. seems obvious, but somehow I wasn't prepared for how hard that would be for me. A lot of the time I can tell myself that I just had a baby. I can remind myself of how great Henry is, and how my body doesn't matter. But really...it does. I mean, I wish I didn't care what I looked like, or how my clothes fit, but I do care. I hate that I cannot fit in any of my clothes. I hate that I have to feel uncomfortable when we talk about going swimming. I hate that I don't feel cute. I hate that I don't feel like myself.

I was reading Dooce the other day and she was talking about that last fifteen pounds. I know I am not alone in fighting this weight. I know it is what happens when you have a baby. Still, I am just struggling with the changes my body has gone through in the last year. My closet is full of clothes that don't fit and I really don't know if they ever will again. I want to get back to my normal size, but honestly I am just so hungry all the time. I heard all about how the weight just falls off when you are breast feeding, and here I sit weighing nearly the same as I weighted two weeks after he was born. I want to do something about it, to take control, but between working and being with Henry and keeping up with the daily life, I just don't have the energy to start counting calories too. So I go day to day telling myself it will get better, but I do nothing to make it better. I don't buy new clothes because money is tight and Henry needs things. I don't buy new clothes because I will lose the weight...someday. And I am okay...until I am not. I am okay until I have to go someplace and I have nothing to put on. I am okay until we are heading to the pool and I want to cry rather than put on a bathing suit. I am okay until I get on a scale, and although I try to tell myself it is just a number, it is honestly just a number I am struggling with.

All of this stress and worry and discomfort spilled out this weekend on my sister in law. She was on the end of a small meltdown as I told her I was just so uncomfortable in my own skin. I don't even know if I realized how much it bothered me until that moment when I said it out loud. She stepped in and took me shopping. She bought me a pair of jeans that actually fit me right (now I have two pair! When Henry spits up I can actually change my pants!) and an adorable top. She stepped in and helped me to feel like myself again. I need to come to grips with the size I am now. These clothes are not that big, and they look pretty darn cute on me. I just need to buy things that fit, and to let he weight come off as it comes off. For today, I will look cute in my new outfit. And that will help.

All Night

I shouldn't tell you all this because I will be sure to jinx it and then it wont happen again for like five years, but Henry slept from nine thirty last night until seven this morning. Straight through. Seriously. Actually, I had to wake him up at seven. He was still so sound asleep that I took him in the nursery (oh....he is still in his bassinet in our room...that post about it being time to move him to the crib...still true...we just haven't quite got to it just yet...need a baby monitor first. Even though our room and the nursery share a wall....still, totally need a monitor) Anyway, I took him in the nursery and changed his diaper and he refused to open his eyes. He just laid there ignoring me, attempting to get in a little more sleep before breakfast.I have a funny feeling this boy might be hard to get up for school in a few years!

Unfortunate

So I was working yesterday. The door rang and I went to get it. It was a client I haven't seen in awhile. The conversation went as follows:

Him: Well Hello there!

Me: *large friendly smile* Well hello!

Him : Aren't you the one who was having a baby?

Me: Yep! That was me *Smiling with pride about upcoming conversation about my perfect child*

Him: So...are you still pregnant?

Me: .....

Him: ....

Me: Um...no...I had my baby. He is almost three months old. He is wonderful! *force smile to show the misunderstanding is NO BIG DEAL.*

Him: *Oblivious to mistake* Oh, three months is a good age! I have a nineteen month old

Me: (In my head...clearly), "do I SERIOUSLY still look pregnant fella?? SERIOUSLY???" *kick him in shin*
Me: (actual spoken word) Hahaha *awkward laugh since he finds nothing funny* I am sure 19 months is fun. We are loving three months!

Me: (back in my head) seriously?? SERIOUSLY???

Him: *blissfully unaware* See ya later!

Me: Huh? Oh...bye.

For the record, I DO NOT still look pregnant. I don't. I don't. I don't. Stupid man.

Also, even if I did a little...he is totally worth it...but I TOTALLY don't. *giant sigh* **picture completely irrelevant to post seeing as how Henry is laying on top of my stomach and you cannot see if I still look pregnant, but whatever. It is a sweet picture of my boy and his non-pregnant mama!**

And There Goes Peanut Butter

When we were at the pediatricians office and the entire dairy conversation happened, there was a little something else mentioned that I didn't tell you all. Not that I was hiding it, it was just that the dairy thing was so HUGE, it really overshadowed everything else. The other thing. Well, it's peanut butter. The doctor mentioned the two most common foods that give breast fed babies issues are dairy and peanut butter. I had been downing peanut butter a few weeks back, but had ran out of the heaven white chocolate stuff, and hadn't really gone back to get more yet. The original stuff had lost it's appeal so I had been off of it for a while before the visit. This made it easy to rule it out as the culprit. What I didn't think about was that the dairy was an issue, but that maybe the peanut butter was too.

I picked up a thing of the heaven peanut butter last time I went to the store. I actually thought, "well, I can't have milk, but at least I have YOU!" I then noticed that after I ate it (and I eat it straight up. Nick points out that he never finds a peanut butter knife, he always finds a peanut butter spoon. So sad) Henry had a tendency to spit up. And the thick spit up was back. I kept thinking, "Damn, did I eat dairy and not realize it!?!" And then it clicked. It was the peanut butter. The heaven peanut butter. I mentioned it to Nick, and he didn't think it was an issue. Then yesterday morning I had peanut butter crackers for breakfast (what? What do you eat for breakfast without dairy in it??) and he spit up the thick spit up yesterday. Nick was like, "well...guess it is the peanut butter after all. Sucks for you" Awesome. There goes one of my easy meal options (a peanut butter sandwich is TOTALLY a meal) and one of my favorite non-dairy treats. Damn it.

On a bright note, I did lose a pound and a half last week. Might be more next week now that my spoons full of peanut butter are also out of the diet! Guess I will go make a salad for lunch. No ranch. *sigh*

Lazy Sunday

We are laying around today doing a whole bunch of nothing. We don't get days like this often, but oh how I love it when they come around. Henry got in bed with us this morning at seven and we all three slept until ten. (HEAVEN) Then me and Henry ended up going to church with my sisters. I am not going to go much into the church thing today (maybe later, maybe not), but I will say it was really nice to be there. I haven't been in a long time, and it felt good to go. Henry did wonderful in the nursery and they informed me he was "and extremely chill baby" and also, "he has a lot of style!" I was beaming with pride. Henry says, "Of COURSE I have style! Not everyone can work a frog towel the way I can!"

Anyway, after church we went to my little sisters new place and had a huge brunch with my parents. My mom made me dairy free gravy and everything. It might not have been good to everyone, but dear lord it was acceptable for this gravy lover! We then watched a movie while Henry took a nap. He was still a little out of it when we got home...

Henry says, "PLEASE. You all wish you knew how to relax like me!" Mama says, "My word he is getting bigger!" *sob*

We are now home and I am in my "nightgown" (sweat pants and a t-shirt that says "Vermont, Spooning New Hampshire since 1791. Sexy. Did I ever tell you about the time I told Nick "I am going to get my night gown on" then came out in a holey old t-shirt and sweats?? Yeah. He reminds me of it a lot...) Now Nick is playing video games and I am typing this with a precious boy in my lap. All in all this is a perfect Sunday.