I am struggling with my body image. There. I have actually said it. I have tried to act like it is fine, but really I need to say it. Having a baby totally messed with my body. It did. seems obvious, but somehow I wasn't prepared for how hard that would be for me. A lot of the time I can tell myself that I just had a baby. I can remind myself of how great Henry is, and how my body doesn't matter. But really...it does. I mean, I wish I didn't care what I looked like, or how my clothes fit, but I do care. I hate that I cannot fit in any of my clothes. I hate that I have to feel uncomfortable when we talk about going swimming. I hate that I don't feel cute. I hate that I don't feel like myself.
I was reading Dooce the other day and she was talking about that last fifteen pounds. I know I am not alone in fighting this weight. I know it is what happens when you have a baby. Still, I am just struggling with the changes my body has gone through in the last year. My closet is full of clothes that don't fit and I really don't know if they ever will again. I want to get back to my normal size, but honestly I am just so hungry all the time. I heard all about how the weight just falls off when you are breast feeding, and here I sit weighing nearly the same as I weighted two weeks after he was born. I want to do something about it, to take control, but between working and being with Henry and keeping up with the daily life, I just don't have the energy to start counting calories too. So I go day to day telling myself it will get better, but I do nothing to make it better. I don't buy new clothes because money is tight and Henry needs things. I don't buy new clothes because I will lose the weight...someday. And I am okay...until I am not. I am okay until I have to go someplace and I have nothing to put on. I am okay until we are heading to the pool and I want to cry rather than put on a bathing suit. I am okay until I get on a scale, and although I try to tell myself it is just a number, it is honestly just a number I am struggling with.
All of this stress and worry and discomfort spilled out this weekend on my sister in law. She was on the end of a small meltdown as I told her I was just so uncomfortable in my own skin. I don't even know if I realized how much it bothered me until that moment when I said it out loud. She stepped in and took me shopping. She bought me a pair of jeans that actually fit me right (now I have two pair! When Henry spits up I can actually change my pants!) and an adorable top. She stepped in and helped me to feel like myself again. I need to come to grips with the size I am now. These clothes are not that big, and they look pretty darn cute on me. I just need to buy things that fit, and to let he weight come off as it comes off. For today, I will look cute in my new outfit. And that will help.
Oh honey, I am so glad to see you wrote this. It is very therapeutic to write and put it out there. Hoping this will help you :)
ReplyDeleteI sooo know what you're going through. After I had my daughter my body was just unfamiliar to me. My clothes fit me, but they didn't fit the same. My whole body just changed so much and I hated it. But, after I had her I lost all the weight plus 15lbs.. but then as soon as that happened I got pregnant again.. but so far I've only gained 8lbs and I still don't weigh what I started out with when I was pregnant with my daughter. It's hard to deal with, but you will be fine. Just don't forget to take time for yourself.. I always enjoyed working out or walking because it gave me time to breathe with all of the craziness.
ReplyDeleteSarah - I have been following your blog for about a year. I had my baby, Ellie, on May 10th this year. I am feeling exactly like you are at this point. I am breastfeeding, but I am also hungry all the time. We are planning a beach trip in September - I don't have a bathing suit! Thank you for sharing
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ReplyDeleteLots of love to you my dear! Glad you feel better. That outfit is super cute! Just remember to let us know when you need us---we'll be there. Promise! ;)
ReplyDeleteOh, yes! This is what I struggle with after babies! I will cry DAILY about it! Infact DH has said that pregnancy is a breeze with me as well as childbirth its the weight loss that kills me! I truly get depressed over it. While all my friends nurse and loose their weight so fast I get stuck and my body hangs on until...about 6 months and then it SLOWLY melts away! This time I thought it would be easier since I knew that...but it wasn't! My baby will be a year at the end of this month and I still have 5 pounds to go! I guess what I'm trying to say is hang in there! It gets better but it sure does SUCK getting there!!
ReplyDeleteI saw you just a week ago and you look GREAT! I totally know what you are talking about in this entire post. I've been there, going through it still the 3rd time around! Everyone always told me the weight would fall off with nursing but it's not true! Mine seems to come off more after I STOP breastfeeding. But I never went back to my pre pregnancy size, was 1 size bigger. It takes time!
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel! My baby, Eli, will be 2 months old tomorrow and although I weigh 11 lbs less now than I did when I got pregnant with him my body just isn't the same. My stomach feels all flabby like a deflated balloon, my boobs are saggy, and the stretch marks are still terrible. My clothes just don't fit the same. I decided to join Weight Watchers a few weeks ago and it has really helped me feel like I'm taking control over the weight thing. They allow you extra points when you are breastfeeding which is nice. If you are interested I can email you the information and explain how to do it so you don't have to pay to join. It's really easy once you get the hang of it. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Just remember that all us other new mommas out there are going through the same thing so don't feel alone!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you have to go through this. I hope this passes and you can feel better.
ReplyDeleteI know I am like, weeks late in posting this, but here I am, nevertheless.
ReplyDeleteI struggled with the SAME thing. I tried so hard to lose it, but my body was holding on for dear life. I am a curvy chick to begin with, so the extra 20 lbs made a huge difference, and pushed me over the line from curvy to chunky. It took me almost 2 full years before my body responded like it used to, and when I tried, as one last ditch effort, to lose it last January -- it finally came off. Now I'm 5 lbs lighter than I was pre baby. My body doesn't look the same, but number wise, I'm reasonably satisfied.
I once read that it takes almost 2 full years for your body to function as it did pre-pregnancy. After my experience, I completely believe that it is true. I promise that one day, you will feel like you again (or even better!).
For the record, you really do look great. However, I know what matters is how you feel. I'm here to listen if you ever need me.
xoxo