Please Pray

My family is going through something extremely difficult right now. It is not my situation to share, so I am keeping the details off of the blog, but any prayers you can spare for my family right now would be greatly appreciated. Especially Monday from 7am-11am EST.

I will be away from blogging for at least the next few days.

Thank you all.

The Chaise

Six years ago Nick and I bought a couch that was too big for our living room. We had our reasons. It was a three piece sectional sofa, it was the right material, the right look, the right price. The two long pieces fit together perfectly in our current living room to make the L-shaped sectional we were searching for. The third piece, the chaise lounge chair, didn't fit, but it didn't really matter. The couch functioned as it should without the third piece, and if you didn't know the chaise was an option you would have no idea it was missing. We knew we were moving in a couple of years, and could then put our couch together with the chaise lounge chair included, but for now, we just had an extra piece of furniture that didn't fit in the living room.

The chaise got put in the office. An extra chair to lay on and relax while talking to someone who was on the computer. A place to pile papers and books. A place to hypothetically sit and read or study. A comfortable, but rarely used chair in our little home. The plan to move "in a couple years" changed to "someday" and the chaise stayed in it's office home, almost forgotten. Then we found out we were pregnant. The office was finally turning into the nursery we waited so long for. The floor plan was made, and it was decided the chaise would stay. We really had nowhere else for it to go, and it seemed as good as any other chair for a nursery.

After our baby showers it was covered in all our baby supplies. Once Henry came home it was commonly covered in tiny baby clothes, little blue hats and tiny onsies. It was a catch all for everything baby related, but for his first year it was rarely sat on. Except by Sammie. Sammie loved to sleep on the chaise in Henry's room. But it was once again a mostly unused and forgotten piece of furniture in our little home.

But after all this time, the chaise has finally found it's purpose. We have recently started putting Henry to sleep in his own room rather than in the living room. One of those things we should have done long ago, but never thought of. Now, after his bath, after his snack and his milk, after his three books and lots of kisses from which ever parent is not putting him to sleep that night, we make our way to his bedroom. We turn out the lights and turn on his night light, which shoots the night starts onto the ceiling, and we curl up on the chaise with our sweet boy. And it's a perfect fit. Laying down with our baby boy in our arms, watching him drift off to sleep by the light of the artificial stars. Knowing that he feels safe and secure here in his own room. On this chaise that was an extra and unused piece of furniture. This chaise that now holds our sweet Henry as he drifts off to sleep each night. What a wonderful purchase, that couch that was too big for our living room six years ago.

Spaghetti

Henry: Man, I love Spaghetti!

Mama: Baby...you got a little...
Henry: What?

Mama: Oh, never mind.

$100 Question

So I was asked to provide one of the $100 Questions over at Blogher this week, which is all sorts of awesome. If you wanna drop by and leave an answer in the comments you will be entered to win the $100 prize! Just stop in today or tomorrow. They ask a new question every weekday, so you can always check in here to see what people are asking and maybe win some extra cash!

As for my question...yeah, I have no idea where it came from. It just popped in my head and I submitted it. Maybe I should have been a little more philosophical...but oh well. I find it rather interesting that my two most important classes in high school were genetics (no surprise there) and creative foods. You never know what you will find important from high school when you are an adult!

Good Luck!

The History Book on TTC

Thank you all so much for all your great comments on my last infertility post. I loved each and every one of them. The comment from someone anonymous (comment #2) that talked about the question of putting in two after having one already, and how different it is to think of having twins when you already have a child at home, and how much you love your first but how badly you wanted a second...exactly. That is exactly how I feel. To the point that your comment made me tear up a little. You all get it. And you are so supportive. And I am just constantly amazed at the infertility community. Thank you.

So anyway, I have been reading lots of blogs struggling with infertility lately, and every time I find a new one I am always thrilled to see when they have their TTC (trying to conceive) history down the sidebar. I was going to do it too, but then I looked at my sidebars. Man, those things are a mess. So I figured I would type it all up in a nice neat post, then link to it over there in the "A Little More About Me" section. I am too wordy for a side bar list anyway. So here we go:

**Spoiler Alert: It worked Henry Shayne was born in May 2009. He is 15 months in this picture

In the Beginning:

• December 2004 : Laparoscopic surgery. Diagnosed with Stage III / IV Endometriosis
• January 2005-June 2005: Lupron injections to treat Endo
• October 2006: Have best wedding ever (end result: married to Nick, my bff)
• February 2007: Toss birth control but have warnings from OB/GYN that things most likely wont be that easy for us
• May 2007: Laparoscopic surgery #2: Remove lots more endo and some cysts that were over my ovaries. Diagnosed with stage IV endo
• January 2008: Endo pain getting out of control. Go see OB/GYN and he refers us to the RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) aka Doc

Fertility Treatments Begin: The IUI days.

• February 2008: Meet with Doc. He gives us our odds. They look bleak without help. Begin fertility treatments.
• March 2008: Begin IUI #1 with clomid. Dose too low. Don't ovulate. Cycle canceled
• March 2008 (end of month): IUI #1 take 2: double Clomid. BFN (big fat negative)
• April 2008: IUI #2 : BFN
• May 2008: IUI #3 :BFN

Move on to the Big Guns: IVF

• July 2008: IVF #1 begins!
• August 2008: First bloodwork check, Estrogen too high. IVF #1 canceled
• September 2008: IVF #1 begins again!
• September 5, 2008: First scan after stims, things looking a little too good. Worried about OHSS.
• September 8, 2008: Next scan. LOTS of eggs, cycle is still a go!
• September 11, 2008: 22 high quality eggs retrieved. Mild OHSS.
• September 12, 2008: Fertilization report: 19 eggs fertilized
• September 13, 2008: 17 eggs dividing perfectly. Decide to do a 5 day transfer
• September 16, 2008: Transferred in two Grade AA five day blasts. Froze six high grade (AA or AB) blasts
• September 25, 2008: Pregnant! Beta 137

Pregnancy Details:

• October 13, 2008: First Ultrasound. One precious heart beat.
• April 2009: Hospitalized with high blood pressure. Put on part time bed rest.
• May 13, 2009. Induced at 37 weeks. Sweet Henry was born at 6:09 pm weighing 5lb 15 oz and 18 1/2 inches long. True love.

Let's Start Again!~ FET #1 for baby #2

• January 2011: Began Birth Control
• February 14, 2011: Ultrasound. All cleared to go forward with FET
• February 23, 2011: Begin hormones
• March 15, 2011: Transferred two top grade 5 day blasts. Lost 2 in the thaw.
• March 23, 2011: Pregnancy Test was Negative

FET #2-AKA Last Chance for Baby #2

• Started meds in March of 2011
• Two top quality embryos thawed and transferred June 2011
• Negative. We are out of the game

Life after treatments.

• June 2012 had left ovary and tube removed due to endometriosis.  Had IUD placed.

We have accepted that we are no longer having any more children.  We are loving every second with our sweet boy while happily living as a family of three!

Boooooook

Henry: Oh my goodness. OH MY GOODNESS!! Mama! I found my BOOOOOOK! I thought I lost it after I sat it over here five minutes ago, but thank GOODNESS I found it!! It's my BOOOOOOOK!!!(picture blurry due to incredible speed at which he runs to Mama with said book)

Mama: Hmmm...oh yes baby. I see that. We read that book a 12,276 already today. And your other books 67,198,345 Maybe you can just play with your other toys? Maybe?

Henry: Did you hear me Mama? Did you here me? It my BOOOOOOOK! Oh man, I love this thing. We gotta read it. We just gotta. Now Mama. Now. This is my FAVORITE!

Mama: But Henry...we just...

Henry: This one right here Mama. This one. This one. This one. This one. Are you listening Mama?? THIS ONE. It my Booooook! THIS ONE RIGHT HERE! Boooooooook. BOOOOOOOOOK!!!

Mama: Yes baby, we can read it. Just wait one minute.

Henry: Oh Mama PLEASE read my book NOW! I haven't heard it in the last 5 minutes and it could have possibly changed. PLEASE MAMA PLEEEEASE!!! (ignore Mama's naked legs and ALF shorts. She was too busy making fun of her child to notice she was photographing her own PJ's. )

Mama: Just one second...Henry: If I flash you my award winning smile will you read it? Mama, it's my BOOOOOK! I simply cannot live another minute without having it read to me.

Mama: It does melt my heart when you smile baby. Just one sec and we will read it.

Henry: *giant sigh* Fine. I clearly can't wait around for you ALL DAY. I will just read it myself.

Mama: That is a great idea baby!

Henry: Man, this is some good stuff. You don't know what you are missing over here, Mama.

Mama: I have a pretty good idea.

Infertility Thoughts

I cannot stop thinking about our future FET. I cannot stop reading new Infertility blogs, which is something I had all but stopped doing since Henry was born. And I now feel bad about that. I feel guilty that I used them for support during out IUI's and IVF, but once my baby was born I stopped looking for those struggling women who may need me. But for Henry's first year my head and heart were all Henry. Now, now that we are at the time where I thought we would be getting started, my heart is starting to make room for these thoughts of baby #2. We are months away from our FET, and although that doesn't sound like a long time, it is starting to feel like a long time to my heart. I am ready. And I am terrified.

I think about the medications. The shots, the hope, the possible heart ache. I think about the six embryos. Worrying if we have enough. Worrying if we have too many. I am thinking constantly of how many to put in. I think of Henry. I think so much about Henry. About how two years ago we were just starting. About how we didn't know him then, but we loved him already. About how that cycle led us to these embryos. About how they have been patiently waiting their turn for two years. About will it work. About what if it doesn't.

My mind is moving back into baby mode, and with it comes infertility mode. And I hate that. I hate that they are tied for us. I hate the questions and the fear. I hate how it is starting to keep me up at night. How it is taking over my thoughts. My prayers. But it isn't like last time. No matter what, I have my sweet Henry. And he will always be enough. I just hope for more.

King Bee

Henry has amazing vision. Something that really surprised us, honestly. I mean, Nick and I are both blind as bats without our glasses, so we just assumed our defective genetic material would pass on to our son and he would also require glasses. And braces. Oh dear lord we will have to get him braces. But as of now, his vision seems to be stellar. He will spot the tiniest of specs on our oriental-like rug in the living room. I mean, the rug is PATTERNED. I have no idea how he sees these things on it, but he manages to find new "treasures" every single day. Treasures that commonly go directly in his mouth. Because of this we quickly had to teach him that all of these "treasures" need to be picked up and immediately brought to one of us to inspect. We did this by putting our hand out and saying "THANK YOU!!" when we see him pick something up. He runs it over to us full of enthusiasm over his new find. Now we don't even need the "thank you". As soon as he finds something, he comes running.

So yesterday I was at the house and I was keeping Cici while Boo was at a meeting. Henry came running from the dining room with his hand out, offering me his newest treasure to inspect and praise. I could see that it was small and black, and assumed it was yet again a clump of Ellie hair. A true treasure. I am not really even watching as he drops the item into my hand. And I roll it around in my fingers, really just looking at Cici, as I say "thank you Henry!!".

But the item. It isn't hair. That much is obvious from the first touch. It's sorta...hard. And has little pieces sticking off of it. It isn't exactly round...but...what the hell? I take a real look. And it's...a head. A HEAD. Of a bug. A LARGE bug. I mean, the head was larger than a pea. And it was JUST THE HEAD. So I shudder in horror. Quickly trying to assess where this head has come from, and where the BODY may be. I assume it has to be a beetle. What else gets this LARGE?

That's when I see it. Apparently Henry was holding out. He gave me the head for inspection,but he held on to the true treasure. The body. The Yellow and Black striped body. The body that was HUGE. HUUUUUUGE. And fuzzy. And...and...was clearly the KING OF ALL BEES. I leap up from the chair. Allowing the full body cringe to roll down my spine, and I grab Henry. I pry the dead bee body from his hand, and he begins to scream. I think at first he is stung. I mean, how could he not be stung?? It was the KING BEE. But then I really see him, and he is angry. WHY had I taken his prize possession from him? He wanted the bee body back!

One of many times that life isn't fair. I refused to give him his hearts desire. The dead bee carcass. But I did take a picture. So you all can see how truly large this thing was. And how horrifying.Nick's wedding ring is there for scale. The smaller thing, that's the head. *horror*. Boys will be boys I guess. *full body cringe*

Lessons from the Laundromat

As mentioned in the previous post, I had to wash our entire bedding set on Sunday due to one sweet dog with a very upset stomach. The sheets and blankets could easily be washed in our regular washing machine, but there was absolutely no way we could fit the king size comforter into our little home machine. So I packed up the gigantic blanket, my little bottle of Gain and my book and headed to the Laundromat for the first time in...ever. So today, I thought I would share with you some lessons I learned while spending my afternoon washing my comforter in the company of strangers.

• A Laundromat is the hottest place on earth. It may be the hottest place in the entire solar system save the surface of the sun. Opening the doors and having the giant industrial fans does not help. It is hot as hell.
• The instructions on the amount of soap that should be added to a triple load washing machine are alarming lacking. I mean, I don't OWN a triple load washing machine at home or I wouldn't be here. Should I use three times the amount of soap or will that fill the entire Laundromat with suds and send us all running for cover? Should I use the regular amount and then possibly spend all this time and all my pocket change and not actually come home with a clean comforter? It's a game of roulette I tell you. I went with 2x the normal amount. We all survived, and the comforter smelled clean.
• Bring a book. I felt sorry for the people forced to just sit there and watch their laundry spin.
• Bring a hair tie. Especially if you hair may go to the frizzy side in insane heat. I was not cute when I walked out of the place. Not cute at all.
  
• Bring quarters. Only quarters. Apparently the Laundromat is too good for my nickles and dimes.
• The vending machines will be woefully understocked. And you will hear someone beating on it trying to get their paid for bag of Bugles out for ten minutes, which leads you to further doubt the efficiency of the machine. If you are hungry, bring snacks from home.
• And a drink. Dear GOD, bring a drink when sitting on the sun.
• The dryers at the Laundromat, they are not your typical dryer. They are super sonic dryers. They can dry a king size down comforter in 15 minutes. Seriously. Do not load it with enough quarters to have it run for an hour. You will waste your change and leave an empty dryer tumbling for 45 minutes while you head to your nice air conditioned home.

And that's about it. Except, I feel the need to ask how often you all wash your comforters. I mean, when we had our queen size bed we just had a quilt, and I washed it whenever I did the full bedding, but when we got this bed, we apparently just decided the top comforter never needed to be washed ever in it's existence. And now, that seems disturbing. Should I be washing this thing like once a year? Once a season? Dear god, should it be washed once a month?? I may be spending a lot more time in the old Laundromat. I wonder if they have heat in the winter??

Excuses

Sorry I have been MIA the last few days. We had a super busy weekend full of baby Open Houses and...hmmm...I can't remember what else. But Cici's open house took a lot out of me apparently. OH, I went to Babies R Us....and I ... ate pancakes... and weeded the garden...and hung out with a friend who was in from out of town... and washed my bedding (due to a sick dog, but we will leave that story for another time...or never. because who wants to read about waking up to a dog with an upset stomach IN THE BED at three am? Anybody? Anybody?*). So clearly I was VERY BUSY. No time for blogging in this wild and crazy life I lead. Anyway, what with all the excitement of the weekend, you would think I have scores of great topics to blog about, but alas, I am coming up a little blank this morning. But look at this great picture!Isn't it adorable? Wasn't it worth clicking on to the blog to see? Yes? Hello? Where are you all going?

*Ellie is a-okay. Just on steroids to stop some crazy itching, and they didn't agree with her stomach. AT ALL.

**Thanks Aunt Donna for the awesome picture! I am so in love with it**

15 Months (with Stats)

We took Henry to his 15 month appointment yesterday. The last three moths have been huge developmentally for him. He seems so much older than he did at his birthday. He loves books and all his toys. He plays so well. He walks so much now it seems silly to mention it. He dances, oh how he loves to dance. If there is no music playing, he makes his own just so he can dance to it. He does this hilarious beat box thing, where he goes "oooh, ooh, AHH, ooh, ooh, AHH" Again and again while he bobs his head and stomps his feet. Sometimes he even has a little hip thrust in there. He is a great eater, happily eating whatever we eat. He loves all fruits and veggies. We still rock him to sleep, bu once he is in his bed he almost always sleeps all night. He loves to play with us and give us kisses. His favorite book is "Mr. Brown Can Moo, Can You?" By Dr. Seuss and he knows the sound that is coming on several pages and will make them himself. He loves to sit in our laps and read or watch Sesame Street or Toy Story. He loves his family. And we love him so.

As for his appointment, the doctor said he was perfect, always good to hear. Henry did insist on emptying his baby bag of all of its contents and handing each item to her. She very happily said thank you for each one. We love her. He also gave he nurse with the shots the stink eye, but he really did very well with the entire process. There was some discussion about the fact that he really isn't using many words yet, but the doctor didn't seem worried. She said it is clear he is understanding what we are saying, and that the words will come. All in all it was a great check-up.

So, the stats:
Height: 32 inches (75th %)
Weight: 20lb 1 oz (5th %) ( no longer need that pesky < symbol!)
Head: 18 3/4 inches (75th %)

SO....you know...he's tall and skinny. And perfect in every way. This is boring. How long until the snow gets here? I'm ready!

Restless

Something wakes me from my deep sleep at 1:30 in the morning. I lay and listen. He's awake. I give him a second to calm down, but I hear it is escalating. I go to get my restless boy. These cries out in the night are rare now, and I worry.

As he sees me in the dark his cries slow. He reaches for me and I reach back. He is out of his crib and his head is on my shoulder. Arms around my neck. He is nearly asleep again already. My worries die. He just needed his Mama tonight.

We lay in our bed. The family bed. He curls up close. Kicking off covers and relaxing into what will soon be a deep sleep.

Three hours later, it's only 4:30. He is awake again. His little head pops up and he looks at me. Awake. But not really awake. He crawls on top of me and lays his head on my chest. He sighs. He is content. He drifts back to sleep with his head on my heart. My heart on my heart.

I lay there still awake and he is restless again. Up and moving from my chest to my arm. From my arm to the bed. Back to my chest. We go round and round for two hours. I watch as he drifts in and out of a restless sleep. I wonder about teeth. I wonder about a bug. I worry again. He tries to rest. I watch him. Every now and again he looks up at me, and even though he is tired, his face spreads into a huge smile. I am tired, but I am also content here watching my sweet boy. My heart holds my heart.

Finally at 6:30 he seems asleep. I silently crawl from the bed, hoping he and his Papa can rest for a couple of hours. As I walk out the door for work at 7:20 I hear him laugh from the bedroom. I smile and walk out the door, both loving and hating our long restless nights.

Say Cheese!

Mama: Henry, mama is going to take some pictures of you for the blog! I want you to show me your sweet, sweet smile!

Henry: Okay Mama! How's this?? CHEESE!!!

Mama: Umm...that's...really good. But lets keep your head down a little...lets try again.

Henry: How's this Mama? How's this?? I will smile really natural this time! CHEESE!

Mama: hmm...cute...but lets maybe try again.

Henry: I put more feeling into this one Mama! I know it is a framer! CHEESE

Mama: Baby, I love your enthusiasm, but maybe can you keep your eyes open?

Henry: I will try Mama, I will try. How about this? CHEESE!

Mama: *sigh* that's perfect baby. That's perfect.
Henry: I could tell it was a good one! You really should think about signing me up for some modeling classes. I think I am a natural.

God bless his little heart, he loves to smile for the camera.

Mean

I randomly decided to read over some old blog posts yesterday. I was actually trying to find out the date of my last laparoscopic surgery for my endometriosis (it was in May of 2007, if you are wondering) and I got sucked into reading some of the blog posts from around that time. And you know what I discovered? First off, some of the posts were really funny. Some of them I loved reading over and laughed out loud about (yes, I am a nerd who enjoys reading her own posts.) But...I also found out that at in at least a couple of the posts I read, I was sorta...mean. Mean in my writing or mean in the story I was telling. This was a total shock to me.

Okay, maybe I wasn't exactly mean, but I was definitely snarky... which may just be a, blogger invented, nicer word for mean. I was a little surprised with myself! I was mouthing off about everything under the sun. Talking about yelling at some poor girl at McDonald's. Talking about a cop that gave me a ticket. I especially liked how I had a post about my work reading my blog, then went on several posts later to actually bitch about work. That is classy right there. I vaguely remember my mom being worried about that, but I felt it wasn't a big deal. Looking back...mom was right. (again). I am pretty positive I have turned the snark way down here at Bio Girl, maybe because I am more aware of my readers, maybe because the blog focuses more on family now, but it seems to be muted. But I know I still have a very strong snarky side living in me.

So this has me thinking, am I a mean person? Am I snarky to the point of rudeness? I don't think I am, but then I catch myself sometimes popping off with these off handed comments that I wish I could take back. Sometimes (hopefully most of the time) they are just funny, but sometimes they are also a little mean. I think now that I have Henry, and am a few years older, I have at least become slightly more aware of holding my tongue. But I still can struggle with it. How do you know when a joke crosses the line? Based on my old posts, I used to be somewhat unaware of the line. I hope I am doing better. I can't completely turn off my snarky side, and I don't want to, but I don't want to sound like a bitch all the time either. Or actually be a bitch all the time, just for a few laughs. That is definitely something to be avoided.

*One of my best friends, Whitney , sent me a message saying that it's not mean, it's sarcastic and witty, and that we are blessed with it. That makes me feel better :) Sarcastic and witty sounds WAY better than snarky and mean!

** I bet you all are wondering if Henry has fallen off the face of the earth, since he has not been photographed on here in over a week... SHAME. I will dedicate a post to his sweet face sometime this weekend!**

Now It's Official, I'm an Aunt

She has been a part of the family in our hearts from the moment she was born, but now legally and truly she is ours. Boo and Chris just finalized Cici's adoption and are heading home. I can't wait for them to get here so I can kiss her sweet face. I love her so.

Bulletin Board

My break room at work has a bulletin board where people can hang notices and interesting articles. As do many break rooms, I am sure. Things come and go from this board. Random things for sale, notices about newspaper and coffee fees being due, the occasional joke about smoking areas or attitude problems. Just random work stuff. But then today something a little more interesting popped up. It's a brochure. For "The Polygamy Experience". Turns out it's a tour. Which...I guess...could be very educational. Still, I find it interesting that someone thought it was bulletin board material. Kinda funny. And just a little creepy. I either want to become good friends with whoever hung it up, or stay far far away from them.

Sookie Stackhouse

Well I'm home. It was so amazing meeting Cici! She is such an easy baby. I am so glad I got to spend this weekend with her and get to see her in her first few days. She will be changing so fast. I am just so happy that we will all get to be here to see it all happen. They will be home at the end of the week and I cannot wait to give my sweet girl kisses again.

So, on to a different topic. Completely different. I have really gotten into reading again and I am loving it. I started the Sookie Stackhouse/True Blood book series a few weeks ago and I have to say the series is really growing on me. I wasn't a huge fan of the first book. It was okay. Fine to read, but I wasn't going to get on here and be like "BEST BOOK EVER!" The way I have with Harry Potter and Twilight. The second book was about the same. Enjoyable, but not something I couldn't put down. I liked them, but I guess I wasn't really drawn into the characters. One main character actually. I just didn't care for the male lead. Or maybe the main romance seemed sorta false to me. I don't know. But the first two books just gave off a "just okay" vibe for me. But since book three I have started enjoying the series much much more. As I finish one book I am more and more eager to pick up the next in the series. Everyone in the little town on Bon Temps is growing on me rather fast.

Now I am reading book seven, and it has occurred to me that I could actually watch the TV show. It's funny, but I have been reading so much this summer that I have nearly given up TV completely. A little odd for me, but I am loving it. But now that a series I am enjoying has a popular TV show, I figured it might be worth a try. Do you all watch True Blood? Is it worth getting off netflix (I don't have HBO)? What about if I dislike the male lead in the first two books? Do they stay close to the books (if you have read them and watch the show) or are they completely different? Just curious if it is worth taking time away from my enjoyable reading to watch.