I feel overly emotional this morning. Maybe I am stretching myself a little thin these days. I don't know, it's a busy time. We have been traveling and very busy the last three weekends. I have been working so hard on my graduate class and have my midterm today. I am planning a wedding shower and making dinner for someone at work this week. Over the next few weeks we have the pumpkin patch, the wedding shower, our anniversary, several birthdays, Halloween, the bachelorette party and of course the wedding (which we are SO excited about) coming up. We are trying to finish up the addition, hanging dry wall and planning to paint. We need to get the furnace replaced in the next couple of weeks as the temperature drops. And then add in that my cousin is going through a hard time right now and I am trying my best to be there for her as much as I can. And then of course the biggie. The stress of Missy's cancer, her starting her treatments, that they may be doing chemo after all. and I am just thin. Emotionally thin.
And then there is the fact that Henry is going through a phase where he doesn't want me to hold him. Not doesn't want to be held, just doesn't want me. And I am embarrassed to admit that it hurts my feelings. It's not always. Of course he lets me hold him some, lots even. But it seems that if he has other options, like Nick or his grandma's, he wants them. And I hate to even write it on here, because I don't want them to feel bad, and they shouldn't. I love that he loves them so. But in my selfish heart I want him to love me best. Always. I feel this desire to say, "I carried you for nine months!" but I know that is pointless. He is 17 months old, and he loves his family. It's a wonderful thing.
But then I worry that my stretching myself so thin is taking a toll on Henry too. Does he feel I am gone too much. We have our Wednesdays together when I am off work and it is just us, but those days are filled with a million little jobs. Cleaning and cooking, grocery and bank. Will he say when he grows up that what he remembers from his childhood is his mama always being too busy to stop and play? That others made time, but Mama had too much to do.
See. Over emotional. But yet, it's these thoughts and all the worries for my family that keep me up until one or two in the morning when I am so exhausted from a long day. It's these thoughts that make me want to crawl into his room, scoop him up and bring him back to bed with me. But I can't. Because it's time again for me to get up, silent as a mouse, and sneak out of the house while he sleeps. To start another day of work away from my baby.
Thin.
I have the exact same mommy guilt as I sneak out of the house in the morning, not to see my 15 month old twins until dinner time. It takes its toll.
ReplyDeleteOh, honey, it's hard to be a working mom, isn't it? I still feel guilty - and mine are all grown up!! We do the best we can with the time we have and you do a GREAT job with your little man. This is a particularly stressful time; it WILL get better.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you've got far too much going on right now, no wonder you are feeling the effects of all you have to deal with. Make sure you allow yourself to feel what you're feeling and give yourself enough time/compassion. Thinking of you xx
ReplyDeletei pretty much could have written this entire post.
ReplyDeleteI get to be with G on mondays, the busiest day of my week since we cram a million things in. And during the week lately when I get home? She freaks out. She wants nothing to do with me and it literally makes me cry, I put it off as frustration with work, but sometimes it is frustration that I want her to want me best too!
Hang in there, you'll make it thorugh and he'll figure out that mommy rocks again :)
(hope all is going well with your sister's treatments too.)
You really do have a lot on your plate. A lot of things to juggle, and too many places that you need to be physically and emotionally. It is tough for sure. Just take it one day at a time. Don't think about everything that is coming up, it will overwhelm you, just as it is doing. Instead, focus on the shorter term.
ReplyDeleteAs for Henry, my baby went through that phase too. It was hard for me to keep from crying too. All she wanted was daddy. Mommy was chopped liver. He will come out of it, and then all he will want is mama. Also take into account that kids are smart, and he can sense that you are stressed out. When you are with him, put everything else in the back seat and focus just on him. That will help you feel better, and it will help him want to be with you more.
Take deep breaths girl. You can do this!
I dream of writing a post with the title "thin" especially after today's post.
ReplyDeleteOkay seriously, you are way too busy. No wonder you feel stretched. Can you off load some things on other people?
I wonder if Henry's thing is a boy thing - Connor is also a bit off me. Either that or he's too interested in moving. Still it does hurt when all we want is kisses...
I don't think you're weird for feeling jealous.
How are you feeling today?
You dear sweetheart. I hate being a working mom. You really hit this one perfectly.
ReplyDelete