Frozen

I have been thinking so much about the six frozen embryos lately. I know how lucky we are. Not that it is unheard of to get a chance at two babies from one round of IVF, but it doesn't seem to be that common either. Now that I really think about it, I can't think of a single blog I read that has actually did have two separate pregnancies from one IVF. But I do read so many blogs where people have done 2-8 IVF's just for their first child, so I know how lucky we are to sit here with six ice-babies waiting to be possible siblings for our first miracle. And I am so excited to finally give these little embryo's their chance.

But lately I have started to worry about them. I guess since our road down IVF went so well, up until recently I have had a lot of faith that these embryos will lead to a sibling. That that is just what is meant to happen. I have honestly spent more time worrying about how many to put in, and what to do if we do get pregnant, but then still have several embryo's left over. Because as of now, Nick and I both feel that we want to be a family of four. And that is where my worry has gone. How many to put in and extra embryos. That seems to be changing these last few days and weeks.

Now I am worrying more and more about none of them taking. About none of them surviving the thaw. About having to thaw out all six just to get one or two to transfer. That this FET could be our only shot at a sibling. I guess in a way I had taken comfort in having so many. In the fact that I believe we would get two shots. That if this FET didn't work, we would have another. A back up plan. And then if it did, we had time to decided about any that are left. I guess I hadn't let myself worry until now about no having the extras. Or about the first one not working, and then the second one not working either. I haven't really let myself think about not having a second child. Until now.

Infertility is a bitch. The fact that the fear now gets to set in. That infertile fear of "what if this doesn't work?" Because I know this is it for us. These six embryos are Henry's possible siblings, but if none of them stay we will not go back in for a fresh cycle. The money isn't there, and in my heart I feel like if none of these six can stay to make us a family of four, then we are just meant to be a family of three. Still, that scares the crap out of me. And I am frozen. Along with my possible next child, I am frozen still in time until we know. How many thaw, how many have a chance, will one stay. Sixty days until we know the answer for this first cycle. Maybe the only cycle. But in sixty days we will have answers. It can't come fast enough.