Focus

On Wednesday, as I was laying on my couch, I had lots of very important thoughts rolling around in my head. Things like how to get away with robbing a bank, or how much I hate insurance companies ( I hate them a LOT, if you are curious). But I also thought a lot about working on a little self improvement during this required wait for our final FET. I looked down and realized how unhappy I am with myself right now. Not just for my body letting me down on the entire baby situation, but on how I have let myself down on filling myself full of crap for the last six months and putting on 10-15 pounds that a year ago I fought like hell to take off.

Around the time we found out about Missy's cancer I just decided it wasn't worth keeping track of what I ate. Not that I am blaming it on her cancer of course, it was just at that point that the stress level reached a point in my life that deems calorie intake unimportant. So I just ate what I ate. Then the holidays rolled around and food was delicious. Then it was the new year, and the FET was just around the corner. I cut caffeine and artificial sugar, but I replaced it with lots of real sugar. A couple of weeks ago I headed up to the attic to bring down clothes that actually fit me. Clothes that were set with my maternity clothes because although they were normal sizes, they were ones I only ever expected to be wearing again when I was post baby.

I told myself that it didn't matter, that I would lose the weight after the pregnancy. That there was nothing to be done about it now. Although I still mentally kicked myself for allowing myself to return to the weight I was after IVF when I was first pregnant with Henry. The weight I thought was HUGE but wrote off to the hormones and OHSS. And here I was, there again. With no real excuse except stress.

So Wednesday I decided that between now and our next FET, whenever that can be, I am going to be much healthier. I am not going back to Weight Watchers yet, mainly because I don't want to spend the money. But I know how to lose weight. Move more, eat less. So Wednesday during Henry's nap I got off my butt and decided to try The 30 Day Shred. I mean, I heard it was sorta hard but Jillian totally has me hooked on The Biggest Loser and if they can do it, SO CAN I! Plus, it was day 1, and it was 30 minutes. How hard could it be, right? OH MY GOD. It was so hard. SO SO HARD. Like 15 minutes in I thought I would die. And 17 minutes in I became a quitter and turned it off. But I am not done with the shred. I just needed a half day to start. I WILL BE BACK JILLIAN!

I have also cut what I am eating. The pop tarts are no longer a breakfast option. At least not everyday. I am switching breakfast to fruit, and trying to eat lighter healthier meals all around. Cut the snacking cut the sweets. My new mental motto is that if I wouldn't let Henry eat it, then I shouldn't eat it either. He can't have kit kats for snack everyday and smores pop tarts for breakfast, so I need to stop eating them too. Last night for dinner I made a home made French Onion Soup that was AWESOME and a salad. Nick and I both loved it and it felt nice to eat something that was healthy. It's a start. Something I can focus on besides no being pregnant. I will let you all know how it goes. Hopefully I can get back in my normal size clothes soon and put these clothes back next to the maternity box where they belong.