Overwhelmed

You all are so wonderful. So very very wonderful. Your love and support through blog comments, twitter, text messaging and phone calls were a life saver yesterday. Truly. It was an extremely hard day for me, but every hour or so I would log in to see what you all were saying, and although I replied to nearly nobody, know that I read every single message and that they helped me more than I can say. Thank you for your being here and for understanding how painful this has been.

I guess I didn't realize how sure I actually was that this had worked. I know I told myself again and again that it was a 50% chance either way, and to not get too excited, but there was just no denying it. I was making plans. Expecting to be pregnant this summer, planning on moving Henry to the big room, thinking of how to do vacation this summer with a baby on the way. I was planning. I knew I was going to ask for a second beta on Friday and have them check my thyroid, and it never occurred to me that I wouldn't need that second beta. That the simple answer would be no. My mind completely and utterly knew it was possible, but nobody told my heart. My heart already believed I was pregnant. And my heart broke when they said the words, "I am sorry. This time it didn't work".

This time. But it did last time. And I am holding on to that. Before we made the call Nick said that even if it's negative, it doesn't mean it didn't work. We have our Henry. Our miracle boy. And this was a bonus. I listened to him and totally agreed. I told him I was ready for it to be a no. That I knew we were lucky. And then I broke down as the nurse informed me that this was not our time. That 2011 would not be bringing us a second baby that we so desperately want. Because even though I agreed with Nick before we made the call, I didn't really believe it mattered. Of course we are lucky to have Henry. And we would be lucky again. But infertility doesn't work that way.

So what's next? That's what I spent most of yesterday thinking about. That and how much this sucks, but we can move past that. We have our last two frozen embryos. If I could, I would go in tomorrow and sign up for next months cycle, but we just don't have the money. As much as it kills me, this will have to wait. It is around $2000 to do a frozen transfer, and although that doesn't seem like a lot, we just handed over $2000 two weeks ago. We have spent an alarming amount of money on this infertility journey and we are simply tapped out. There is nowhere else to pull from, so we will begin the process of saving for it. As soon as we have the money, we will go back for our last two. Hopefully one will stay. Oh god, hopefully one will stay, I can't get ahead of myself and start making plans for if that doesn't happen. For now I just need to get there. To the point where they get their chance.

I am truly hoping to be able to do it by the end of the year (to avoid the $400 fee for embryo storage) but it honestly may be next spring. I hate waiting. I hate that we can't just do it. I worry about giving my endo another year to get worse and make it harder and harder for me to get pregnant. I want Henry and these maybe-babies to be close in age, and I hate putting another year between them. I hate going back to limbo and waiting and hoping. If we can't have another child, I just want to know. And really, I am ready to pregnant now. I want this so bad but as I type this the tears are coming back. But we will get there. We will give these last two embryos their chance. Just as soon as we can. And that will have to be good enough for my heart. At least we have one more chance, whenever we get to take it. That is more than most people get.