Green Eyed

Yesterday we went to the pool, and while I was there I kept noticing pregnant bellies. Not just general pregnant bellies, but ones on mom's who already had one, maybe two, sometimes three or four children. And I know, I KNOW, that I cannot begin to judge these family situations. That I have no idea how much those children are wanted or loved. I assume they are both wanted and loved a great deal. But still...STILL...for the first time in my infertility journey it was truly painful. I was struck by the unfairness of it all. Why do some people easily get pregnant, and others have so many issues. Why can't it be me? Not me instead of them, but ME TOO.

And I do know that I have Henry. That it WAS me not that long ago. That I am one of the lucky ones. But still...for right now seeing these families of so many children, when all we want is one more...it's just a little heartbreaking.

I hate this feeling. HATE IT. I have always been happy that it hasn't really been an issue for me. Those babies are not MY baby. They have nothing to do with me. They are hopefully very wanted and loved, just like my baby would be. But somehow yesterday it felt different. It felt painful. Any maybe because leading up to this point, we had a plan. We were still working out OUR baby. And now... we can just hope and pray that maybe someday. But most likely not. And as good as I am doing, as settled as I feel with it most of the time, I feel that envy creeping in. And I really wish I knew how to control it. To feel nothing but joy for the new life. But I just can't seem to shake the feeling that life isn't fair.

Anything Else

You all know what we should talk about? ANYTHING ELSE. I just... I need to move on. I know it will take time, and it isn't like it isn't a big deal to me, because...come on, this will be a big deal for a very long time, but I really NEED to talk about other things. To get back to my life and myself. So here we go!

Lets see...we could talk about how my child thinks he's Yoda. That's a good subject, right?

I would really like to say this is safer than it looks, but maybe what I should say is that it didn't FEEL as dangerous as it seems to appear now.

Or we could talk about how strict we are at our house. Any wrong move gets you 24 hours in the hole.

We are all about being hard core. Can't you tell?

Or we can talk about how awesome my sisters are. About how they got me an adorable bag and filled it with adorable clothes, just to help make me feel a little better. It worked. Really well.

Someone else also really liked the new bag. Looks like we might have a new location for "the hole".

Or we could even talk about books! I love books! I reviewed another book for Blogher Book Club! You can read what I thought of Sarah Dessen's 'What Happened to Goodbye" Here.

So that's it for now. But all of these something elses are adding up to helping everything really seem okay. Or maybe not to just seem okay, but to be okay. That's it. Everything really is going to be okay. Better than okay. It's going to be great.

Moving Along

So this weekend cycle day one rolled around. It's amazing how painful starting your period can be, even when you know it's coming. Somehow the finality of it all...it just sucks. But at the same time I was happy to see it all come to an end. It was like a final release of any hope, which in all honestly should have been gone anyway, but this was really it. The end of the month. The end of the cycle. The end of our treatments. Almost refreshing to say there is nothing left to wait on.

I cannot seem to decide about this follow up appointment with Doc. Have those of you who also ended your treatments with a negative result gone in to discuss it with your RE? I have this desire to go, but at the same time I have no idea what we will talk about. What is there to say? Am I looking for some magical answer that will make me feel better? I think what I want him to say is that he thinks we might get pregnant on our own...but I know he wont say that. If I go, will it just make the desire to do another cycle that much stronger, or will it give me the closure I am looking for? I am genuinely asking. Anybody who has been in this place, I would love to know if you went to your appointment, and if it helped.

Since the negative I have been angry that we can't afford another cycle, but now I realize that as financially draining as this has all been, it has been even more emotionally draining. I don't think I could do it again, even if we had the money. I couldn't start this over. I have no idea how so many people do cycle after cycle. This is just so damn hard.

If you are here from Lost and Found, thank you so much for coming by. I am thankful to have this support from this amazing infertility community. I can never tell you how much it means to have people here commenting and telling me that you understand, that you are here for us, that you love our family, that it's okay to still be crying over this. So thank you all. It is exactly what we need.

The Back and Forth of Heartbreak

I was pretty proud of myself yesterday morning. All thankful about seeing things from the right way. The grateful way. Not wallowing in self pity. It was a good hour or two. But the thing was, after that good couple of hours, I had a bad couple of hours. A heart broken couple of hours. The truth is, I have no idea how to do this. I have no idea how to explain to my heart that this is all over. I have no idea how to LET GO. I feel like even the good hours are really just hours I am in denial.

"This progesterone is still doing a number on my body. I am totally having pregnancy symptoms still...and my period is nowhere is site. Wouldn't it be crazy if..."

"I took that yeast infection medicine a couple of days ago. I wonder if betas can be made into false negatives by..." (they can't. I googled it)

"We might still get pregnant on our own later. It doesn't have to be over. I mean, if I could just get ovulating...and make sure my tubes are still in alignment...and my ovaries aren't still covered in endo and cysts..."

I talked a big game. At the end of this, we were done. I wasn't even going to a follow up appointment. There was no need. This door was going to be slammed shut and locked. Baby #2 is not happening. It's birth control until hysterectomy. The end.

But...

How? How do I say that? How do I go from being as close as I will ever be to having this, to totally walking away? So instead of slamming the door I find myself googling IVF grants and scholarship programs. Reading the fine print to see if they even allow people with one child to apply (the short answer is no). I mention to Nick that maybe in the next year or so our financial situation will change. That he will get an amazing new job that will make us much more financially secure and we can pay off the debt of the old infertility and start over. And he looks as me and says as gently and kindly as possible, "Even if we had the money, we would have to discuss if we WANTED to do this all again..." and I am like, "What? Why wouldn't we want to do THIS??" before I burst into tears and run from the room. Again.

Right. We might not want to do THIS again because THIS is how it can end. With my heart torn our and tears that I can't control. Because grieving like this is one of the very hardest things I have ever done. And I can't talk about it. Not in real words. Because nothing comes out but tears and gasps for breath. So I sit here and pour it onto my blog. Because I don't know what else to do. Because I need to get it out, but I know at some point enough is enough. And everyone will get tired of reading my heartache. And I am scared that is what will happen before I can stop feeling it, because right now I just don't feel like this heartbreak will EVER stop.

I am still lost. I want to let go, but I don't know how. My sister reminded me that it has only been three days. I don't have to rush this. I have more hormones running through my body right now than most people can imagine. I am about to start my period, and I am having to accept giving up something that I have wanted all my life. I can take these days to cry. To shake my fist and say this fucking sucks. That life isn't fair, and that sometimes it is even cruel. That hearts break and sometimes, no matter how right something feels, how meant to be it seems, it doesn't happen.

For now I have decided I will make a follow up appointment. Not to schedule another cycle, just to discuss the end. Nick doesn't see the point, and I can't disagree with him except to say that I hope it gives me the closure I need. I will also go to my OBGYN. I want to stay off birth control as long as possible. I don't know if my endo will let me, but I just can't shut this door. Not all the way. Not yet. In my heart, I feel like we are suppose to be a family of four. I feel like my endometriosis is stealing that from us. But this is what I can do, so I will just see. I will give myself time to heal while holding on to the tiny chance that miracles happen. I will pray for peace, and if I am honest, I will continue to pray for a baby. And hopefully I will find one of those two things in my heart sometime soon.

Picking up the Pieces

I am feeling better. No really, I am. Not 100%, but better. I was a mess most of yesterday and when I came home from work I had a rather impressive melt down, but then Nick and I talked and he gently reminded me how lucky we are. And you all... we are.

It is amazing that we have him. Stage four endometriosis is BRUTAL to fertility. We are so blessed. We are so much luckier than so many. And even though I am sad, I do know that we are lucky. I hoped we would be luckier, but I know that I can be happy with being THIS lucky.

There is another thing I know. No matter what, Henry wont really be alone. That he may not ever get to be a big brother, but he is going to be the best big cousin that there has ever been.

And that gives me some peace. They will grow up together. As close as two cousins can be. And it will be great.

Thoughts

Over 300. Over 300 messages of support, when I add up blog comments, twitter and text messages over the last two days. People first wishing us luck, and then sharing our sorrow.

Do you all know how amazing that is? Do you know how much each and every single word of support has meant to me? I don't know if I can ever really tell you. Your support has made me feel less alone. Has made me know that you all feel this heartbreak with us. That you understand that this feels like a loss. A loss of something we knew we wanted, of something we thought we would have.

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I thought the major portion of the tears dried up yesterday afternoon around the time Henry and I got up from naps. Turns out I was wrong. They started again in full force once I climbed into bed for the night. I wasn't able to sleep until around 3, then Henry was up at 4 and 5:30 coughing. I am about to start work, and need to put on my brave face before people start asking how may day off went, but I can't seem to find it. But how do I stay home and miss another day of work for a cycle that was never anything more than a hope and heartache?

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I had a plan for how to tell you all I was pregnant yesterday. I kept thinking about it, and nothing seemed right. Then right before I went for my blood draw, it came to me. It was cute and simple. It would give the new baby a name on the blog, and I was happy about it. It really felt like everything was falling into place. Until it wasn't.

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I feel lost. I am really not sure where exactly to go from here, and that is terrifying. I just...never had any doubt that of our six high quality frozen blasts we would get at least one child. I never questioned us being at least a family of four. It felt right. It felt like what was suppose to happen. And now that it hasn't...I just don't know what exactly to do. My heart is broken, and I can't find a way to fix it.

I want to take back that this was our last chance. I want to make ONE MORE last chance. But there is just no way, short of Kentucky deciding that infertility is a disease and not a choice and should be covered by insurance. Doc wants us to do another fresh cycle, but it would cost around $18,000. We have already done too much, because we thought this was suppose to happen. How could we move forward, especially now knowing that these things don't always work. With my body more broken than before. With older eggs and a lower chance of success. As much as I want to, we just can't. This really was the last chance.

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I decided yesterday evening that we should go out to dinner. I just couldn't sit at the house anymore. Everything was nice, just the three of us at Qdoba, then I noticed the empty 4th chair at our table. And it hit me again. Just three. Never four. The tears started once more, but I got them under control. Henry started to dance at the table, and I laughed. Really laughed. But then I cried a little more.

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As much as I hate this for me and Nick, I hate it most for Henry. I look at him, and I hate that the best thing I could ever have given him, I wont be able to. That he will forever have the pressure of being an only child, never have the joy and love of a sibling. I can't imagine that. And I hate it for him. I wish that, for him, there was going to be another. I wish it for me too, but my heart breaks all over again for my sweet boy and what he will never have.

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It is strange the things I am mourning already. Of course the fact that we wont have another baby, but also little things. that I will never be pregnant again, that I will never feel a baby move inside of me, that I will never have that amazing experience of giving birth again. That I will never nurse again. All these things, these things that I loved. And now I know they are actually over. Forever. Each one feels a little more like a knife in the heart. Not only the loss of the idea of another child, but the loss of everything. Each little piece that makes parenting so amazing.

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I hate my broken body.

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I was at church on Sunday and one thing that was said in the message is that God doesn't give you what you want, he gives you what will build your character. I cannot imagine that this is why this happened, as a character building activity, but I just cannot see why we were given these six amazing embryos, just to come out the other end the same. Only more broken.

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As hard as the last day has been, we are going to come out the other side of this okay. We are a damn good family of three. And although that empty chair will always be heart breaking for me, I do know how lucky we are. We have our sweet boy, and we have each other.

Thank you for reading along. Thank you for the support. I will find my footing soon. But for a little while I may seem lost. Because right now, I am.

Done

It's negative. I am shocked. Shocked and utterly heartbroken. Nothing more to say right now.

24 hours

Just 24 more hours. There isn't really a lot more to say. It's strange to think that this is the last time. The last two week wait, the last time I will think I could be pregnant. Tomorrow I either will be or I wont be. And I have no illusions of ever having a surprise pregnancy any time after this. That just isn't in the cards for us. Our doctors made that clear. I don't even ovulate on my own, and I require birth control at all times to keep my endo livable. This really is it.

Part of me wants to think that it has to be positive, that I must be pregnant because...THIS IS IT. THE LAST CHANCE FET. But I know better. There is no way to prove that you deserve this. That just because we throw down the gauntlet and say we are done, doesn't mean that in the end magic happens and you get what you want. Infertility isn't like a Romantic Comedy where everyone gets to be happy at the end of the show. I have seen it go the other way for too many people. Negatives, chemical pregnancies, ectopics. Lots of peoples Last Chance cycles goes wrong. But sometimes it does goes right.

So here we go. Twenty four hours to beta. Tomorrow around one we will know. For better or for worse. If I am being totally honest, I feel it. I feel like I am pregnant. Not 100%, but for the last few days I have been leaning that way. I have no real reason, I just feel like it has worked. And that scares me to death. It scares me so much that I have chosen to not even mention it. I shy away from talking about this cycle at all with my family and friends. I just say, "we will know soon...". Because if it comes back negative, especially now that I believe it, it will be that much farther to fall. But if it comes back positive, what a great day tomorrow will get to be.

Just a little over 24 hours and we know. For better or worse.

Coin Toss

I like odds. I am a by the numbers sort of girl, so even though I know that statistics mean nothing when you are on the losing side of them, I somehow have always taken comfort in knowing the success rates. Going in to this cycle I was pretty sure we would, at best, have one viable embryo. That would give us the odds of 25% success vs 75% failure. I was prepared for those odds. I wasn't happy with them, but I had accepted them. So when we get to the transfer and hear that both embryos made it, that we had two high quality embryos to transfer in, I was in shock. This means our odds magically went from 25/75 to 50/50. 50/50...the toss of a coin.

And that is how I keep thinking of it. The flip of a coin is our fate. 50/50, could go either way. I found myself thinking of the coin so many times that I decided I sort of wanted to actually flip one. You know...just to see. But I was also a little afraid of the coin. I mean, what if it says no. Does that MEAN anything? And how do I even know if the heads is pregnant or not pregnant?

Well, my little science brain felt a challenge. How could I make this as accurate as possible. First things first, I need to set up a control. I didn't just get to call that heads was pregnant. There was no scientific basis behind that! I had to flip the coin, and that flip would represent my IVF cycle with Henry. Whatever it came up as would represent pregnant.

So...I flipped. And it was heads! (I really wanted Heads to represent pregnant. It feels more like the pregnant side of the coin, you know?)

But the thing was, then I had to flip again, working my way through time, and had to have the coin come up opposite (or tails) to represent our first failed FET. I prepared myself for a lot of flipping. I mean, we had to have heads followed immediately by tails. So I flipped the coin for the second time and BAM, tails. Our failed cycle was officially represented in my experiment.

So then came the moment of truth. It was time to flip once more. And I was nervous. After putting all this thought into my little experiment, it felt like it held some weight. I flipped and it came up....

Heads.

And it gave me such joy. It gave me more hope than it should have. This weekend I have been back and forth a lot on if I think this cycle has worked. I have thought about posting to tell you that I am pretty sure I am pregnant, and I have thought about telling you I am pretty sure I am not. The fact is, I can't tell. But for today, the coin is telling me yes. And I am going to go with it. I mean, it might be right. This experiment was TOTALLY scientific. How could it be wrong?

48 hours until beta. We will really know soon. I just hope my coin is right.

Happy Father's Day

To the best Papa a little boy could ever ask for.

We love you so.

This morning I told Henry to say "Happy Father's Day!". He looked and Nick and said "YAY PAPA!!!!!!!". That's definently close enough.

PS. Henry made the crown for Papa in Sunday School. He was very proud.

Happy Father's Day to my sweet Daddy and my two amazing father in laws as well. we are so lucky to have such amazing fathers in our lives. we love you all.

Five Days

So it's been four days since the transfer and there are just five more days until my blood test. Just five more little days. But in the middle of those five days is Father's Day, so I am pretty sure this weekend will move right along and before I know it, it will be Wednesday. Right? RIGHT?

As of now I am feeling pretty alright. I am tired and thirsty, and those were the only two signs I really remember being clear in the early days with Henry. But I also remember them pretty clearly from the negative FET. I have had a tiny bit of cramping, nothing to write home about, but it's there. Could be a good thing, like a baby thing, or a bad thing, like a period thing. Everything could be the progesterone or everything could be a pregnancy. And as much as I don't want to spend the next five days obsessing over it, the closer I get to beta, the less I am able to control it. But it's just five more days.

So while we wait around, you know what we could do? We could watch the new preview for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 that they released yesterday. I mean, I have seen it. A few times. But YOU could watch it now too! It may or may not have made me tear up a little. So lets go ahead and keep emotional on the list of inconclusive pregnancy symptoms. Anyway, here is the preview in all it's glory. Enjoy.



So awesome, right? I can't wait for the day I get to share these books with Henry. He is going to love them.

PS. I sorta failed at my Harry Potter Marathon I had planned. Okay, there is no sorta about it. I totally failed. I watched the first one, but then decided I just wasn't that into watching 18 hours of Harry Potter. I do plan to watch the Deathly Hallows Part 1 between now and July 15th though. I have only seen it the one time in the theater, and I will need a refresher before heading in to Part 2!

A To Do List (for you...)

Well, here we are. 3dp5dt (three days past a five day transfer). Sorta in no mans land. Too early to really start looking for symptoms, although it hasn't stopped me from trying. Six days from my beta, which at this point sorta feels like a lifetime. I loved my five days off, but am officially back to work today. I think that will help time move a little faster. I begin my new job on Monday, so that's sorta exciting!

Anyway, there isn't much to say about the transfer and current wait except that I a hopeful. More hopeful than I expected to be. I spent so long worrying about either embryo surviving that I never thought about the fact that they both might make it. As soon as we heard they were both there, ready for transfer, I got more excited than I meant to let myself get. I am trying to stay guarded from this cycle, by there is no doubt about it, the hope has been let in the door.

ANYWAY, I keep not getting around to my POINT of the post. A TO DO LIST! So I have enjoyed some stuff lately, and I want to share it with you! And by share I mean force you to follow suit and do these things too, so we can discuss them! Here we go.

Bio Girl Reader To Do List

1 Super 8- You all, this movie, I loved it SO MUCH. The group of friends, they are wonderful. They constantly reminded me of Nick's group of guys that have been friends since elementary school. Who also made a movie, which is hilarious. The kids, the dads, the entire setting, I loved it all. It was a little scarier than I expected, but completely in a good way. Go see it. You will enjoy it! (but there is some sci-fy to it...I don't mean to imply it is a comping of age story about a group of boys. I mean, it IS kinda that, but with something super creepy included.)
2. Divergent by Veronica Roth- I read this book mainly (okay, totally) because Miss Zoot told me to. And I listen to Zoot, because our taste in things like books and movies are alarmingly similar. She was 100% right about this book. I loved it. Maybe close to as much as I loved the Hunger Games. I can't wait to reread it (because I am a big rereading nerd). It's all Distopian society with division of houses based on personalities worked in. I killed this book in less than 48 hours and can't wait for the next one to come out. You should read it!
3. The Voice- (but only when watching it on DVR). I am seriously enjoying The Voice. But it takes me about 45 minutes to watch a two hour episode. All the TALKING...It's just...MOVE ALONG. But the singing, some of these people are amazing. AMAZING. I was really worried about Team Blake after the battle rounds, because...well...they sucked it up, but then last week happened and they were all incredible! I sorta think he DOES have the strongest team. Anyway, watch it.

4. Chalk- Henry got chalk for his birthday so on Sunday he and I went out to play on the driveway with it. He lost interest rather quickly, but not me! I drew rainbows and balloons, the entire alphabet and the little green dudes from Toy Story. It was enjoyable. So buy some chalk, then steal it from your kids and play with it. You will have fun.

(I tried to get him to lay down by the balloons like I have seen on several other blogs and it is SO CUTE. But he was all like, "Hell to the No, Mama." And I was like, "Henry! Don't say Hell." )

5. Read my newest Blogher Book Club review for Getting to Happy (but then maybe don't read the book...unless you want to, then totally read it)- Did you believe me when I said I would be honest about a book and tell you if I didn't like it? Well... I have proven it, because my latest review was a thumbs down. You can read it here. It does have spoilers, but they are clearly marked in the review.

So I guess that's it. A list of things for you all to do between now and my beta next Wednesday. Now I just need you to give ME a list of things to do to help the time pass. Just six more days...

Emotional

I am a little over emotional these days.  I don't think it would be fair to blame it on being a full 24 hours pregnant.  I mean, it COULD be that, but I did start crying during a preview for the final Harry Potter movie on Saturday, which was a good 48 hours before the transfer, so I am going to blame it on all the hormones.  That HAS to be it.  For sure.  It can't be that just my love of the boy wizard moved me to tears in a movie theater.  With a preview I had ALREADY SEEN.

I just got off the phone with Henry.  He has been with my parents since Sunday night, and for some reason as soon has I heard his voice I started to cry.  It isn't the longest I have been away from him, but he did spend two nights with Nick's mom a few days ago, so he has been gone a lot in the last week.  He was going to stay with my mom until later in the evening, but they are on their way here now instead. I can't wait to see my sweet boy.  It's just been two days, but it has been a big two days and it feels like a lot has happened.  It feels like he may have grown.  It feels like I need to see him.  To hug him.  To tell him what an amazing miracle he truly is.  He is my baby.  Maybe my one and only, maybe my oldest child.  Eight days from today we will know about this cycle, but for today I am ready to have my sweet Henry home.  My heart is aching for him.  And for our maybe babies too.

These parenting emotions.  Sometimes they are more than I can handle. Especially when on all these infertility medications.

Transfer

Two beautiful embryos were transferred this morning. They both survived the thaw. We feel very blessed. I was completely shocked to hear they both made it.

I woke up around six thirty and realized it was the time they would be removing the embryos from deep freeze. I spend awhile praying for them and for the transfer, and then went back to sleep. We arrived at the clinic a couple of hours later and were told everything looked perfect. Neither embryo was fully expanded yet, but they said that was perfectly normal and all was great.

The transfer was not as easy as my last FET. It was much more like my transfer with Henry, which somehow I take comfort in. He had a hard time getting the catheter past my cervix, but once he got it in the transfer went off without a hitch. I laid there for fifteen minutes and we headed home! Simple as that. (Ha...simple)

On the way back to the house we picked up breakfast from Chic-fil-a and I am now watching a marathon of the Harry Potter movies to get ready for the last one next month. All in all I am feeling pretty good. Pretty good and pretty hopeful. All we can do now is wait.

Five Day Weekend

I cannot stop looking at the clock. I check the time, scan around at my work to be done (decide to not do it), check my email, and then quickly look at the clock again. Hoping that all my looking around has managed to eat up approximately four hours and it is FINALLY time to go home! Apparently, time refuses to work that way. Looking around continues to take about three minutes. (If you all would be up to emailing me or possibly commenting on my posts I could TOTALLY kill more time with the email step. Just sayin')

A five o'clock today I will walk out of work and not be back until next Thursday. THURSDAY you all. That's five entire days of me time. And like, not crap me time full of stuff that has to be done, but actual honest to god ME TIME. Where I will mostly do exactly what I want, laying around on the couch trying to be extremely zen and nurturing for my embryos that will be coming on board Monday. Between now and Monday I have awesome days planned full of Super 8, lunch with family, birthday celebrations for my dad and Missy, pool time with my boy and all around laziness.

Monday at 8:45 I will head in for the transfer, and I am still nervous about that. Nervous about the thaw mainly at this point, but I am ready. So so ready. And although I know two days off isn't really necessary for a transfer, I am choosing to take them just the same. Two days to relax and know that I am doing everything I can. Wednesday will be back to normal, but since it's always my day off it will extend my time to a full on five day weekend. It will be awesome. And nerve wracking. But mostly awesome.

Now I just need five o'clock to get here. Tick tock.

Letters

Yesterday Henry and I had a busy morning. We started with his speech therapy, then dashed over to a good friends house to have brunch. We all left there together to take the babies to the pool for a few hours before heading home for lunch and a nap. Turns out I kept him at the pool a little too long because at about a mile from our house he fell asleep. I carefully picked up my sleeping boy, smelling of sun screen and summer, and put him in his bed, but he woke up and wasn't having it. I decided to go ahead and feed him lunch and then try again.

After a good lunch I put him back into his bed, thinking it will be seconds before he is passed out. I lay him down, kiss him, and sneak out of the room. I hear him moving around about twenty minutes later and am surprised...I really thought he would be asleep by now. He isn't crying, so just assume he needs more time. I eat my own lunch, take a shower and do some laundry. About two hours after I first put him in bed I stick my head in to see if he is still sleeping. I look at him, and he looks back and smiles. He is laying in his bed, reading a book. Happy as a clam. He points to the book and says C-A-M, then smiles. He is learning his letters. He knows almost all of them. Everywhere we go lately he is pointing them out to us. Stop signs, parking lots, license plates, restaurant signs. "Y! R! E! Mama, Mama, E!!" Taking my face in his hands so he knows I am paying attention. Always grinning and so proud that he knows what they are. I guess yesterday he decided that, no matter how tired he was, there was no need for a nap when there were letters to be looked at and enjoyed.

My sweet boy. Oh how you hold my heart. I love letters too baby. They are the best. Especially when it's you that is showing them to me. Then they are pure magic. Just wait until we show you how to put them together to make words. It will blow your mind.

Start of Summer

Thanks for all the great comments and support on yesterdays post! Today begins our two week wait. I am excited, and at the same time nervous that it is all really here. But since I can't talk about that everyday for two weeks (or I may go crazy), lets look at some pictures!

This past weekend we decided to pack up our pool bags (yes bags...it takes three of them to get us to the pool) and head to Grandaddy's house to go swimming! that means that clearly, summer is officially here.  Here are a couple of pictures of our day in the sun.

First of all, we brought someone rather special with us. It was Cici's first time swimming and she loved it so much!

Papa, aka Uncle Nick.  The baby wrangler.

Cici decided she was in love with the pool! So was her Mama.

practice makes perfect...we are thinking he is nearly ready for the 2012 Olympic team

I mean, look at his form as he jumps off the wall! There is just no question the child has a natural talent.  Swim scouts, are you reading this?  He can ALMOST kick his feet and is only a little afraid of big splashes. He would rather not put his head under water though... so you are going to need to work around that. (please ignore the Mama's pasty whiteness.  The sun should fix that soon enough.)

Someone felt there was no need for all that swimming and exercise.  She was all about soaking up the rays.  She is a girl after my own heart.

Henry was a little jealous of those sun glasses...

But I am thinking Cici was jealous of the water gun float with Granddaddy! (yes it does look like he is about to shoot himself in the face.  Yes, that is exactly what happened)

I think they had a good time... we will be taking these water babies back to the pool very soon!

Green Light

This morning I headed in to see Doc and have my lining checked for this Last Chance FET. For some reason I was kind of nervous about it. Not for any real reason in particular. I have done this a million times before, but this morning it hit me that if our beta turns out to be negative, this will be my very last time at Doc's office as a patient. It strange how it keeps hitting me again and again, Last Chance.

Turns out my lining is rock star lining. It has to be at least 6mm, and mine was 9.9. He also said it is multilayered, which is apparently the best type of lining to have. Good job me on producing a nice comfortable future home for our embryos! I will take my last lupron injection tonight, then begin progesterone tomorrow morning. The transfer in Monday morning at 8:45, and beta will be Wednesday, June 22. Two weeks from tomorrow we will know. So I guess the two week wait begins in the morning.

I did ask if he was worried that we might lose both embryos in the thaw. He said he really didn't expect that to happen. They are high quality and that would be rare to lose them both. What wasn't said, but was pretty much implied, was to be prepared to lose one of them. We thawed four last time and had two to transfer. Now we will start with two and see where we go. I am worried about it, but trying to put it out of my mind. I can't do anything about the thaw, so I will just focus on being as ready as possible for the transfer and pray that one of our original six frozen embryos really was meant to be our forever second baby.

Two Weeks

It's sometimes funny to be a blogger. You spend years writing and sharing about the most basic details of your life, and then, all of a sudden, something comes up that's off limits. Although you, as readers, don't really know I have something I am choosing not to talk about, it feels strange to me. To have this big decision on the horizon that I can't TALK about with you all. That I have to be all grown up and private about until it's appropriate to share the information with everyone around me.

So...I have been keeping a secret for the last couple of months. I have been on the hunt for a new job. There are a million things I love about my current job, mainly the schedule, the lack of stress and the amazing benefits. But there are things I am just not has happy with, like the fact that I don't find it challenging. So for awhile now I have had my eye out for something I may enjoy more. I was hesitant to leave the University. I mean, people don't leave here. They just don't. Once you get your foot in the door you stay until you retire. I have also been hesitant to want to leave the security I have in my building. We work on hard money, which is huge. I am at no risk of getting fired due to the loss of grants. The location is awesome for me. I work less than two miles from my house. We have a parking lot right outside the building so I can go home and have lunch with Henry everyday. Plus I have my Wednesdays off. I have a sweet deal, no doubt about it.

So, when a new job opened in my building, it seemed too good to be true. A job across the hall, in a totally different department, but with people I have gotten to know over the last year and know I will enjoy working with. Because we are at a University, and it is a department change, I still had to go through the entire application and interview process like everyone else. There is extremely steep competition for every job here (like I was going up against PhDs), and there is never a guarantee you will get something, no matter who you know. It has been ongoing for the last couple of months, but on Friday I finally worked out the last of the details and was able to put in my two weeks here and accept the new position across the hall.

This is so huge for me. They are happy to allow me to keep my day off each week (YAY!), they are supportive of Henry and even of the FET we have coming up in a few weeks. I already know I really like these people, I know exactly what it is I will be doing and I am thrilled with it. When I first took my current job I knew I would one day want to move up within the University, but I truly never thought the opportunity would arise after only one year. So, two weeks from today I will begin a new job. A new job that has all the perks of my current job, but that I will get to enjoy day in and day out a little more. It's the best of both worlds, and I am so thankful. And really rather excited. And now you all know.

When Mama's Away...

I went out of town for a night last weekend. Just one little night. On they way home, a little before 6pm, I get a call from Nick. Henry has passed out asleep. This is...unheard of. I cannot think of a time in the child's life he has fallen asleep before 6pm. Or before 8pm if I am being honest. And before 9pm is pretty stinking rare. So I ask what they did today, and Nick says they didn't really do anything. He was just tired. When I got home I started looking through our camera to see any pictures they took this weekend, and I found this video

Nick informed me that it was rather hard to hit him with the pillow while holding the camera. These boys... (and you all, the fit of giggles that comes out of my child when he watches this video. He thinks this thing is HILARIOUS!)

So is there really any surprise that a couple of hours later Nick walked out of the living room, came back a minute later and found this...

Sound asleep.

Partying hard for Memorial Day

"Come on Mama. You know it's gotta be exhausting being this adorable."

The Blogher Book Club

Do you all remember my New Years Resolutions? No? Come on now guys. I set myself five little goals for 2011. Some of them I am doing better on that others, but one I am really rather proud of is my goal read 24 books by the end of the year. So far I have read ten, which is right on track for my two book a month goal. Pretty good, right? Okay, ten books isn't really that many, but it's on track with my GOAL, and my GOAL is what matters to me. See how I didn't set the bar too high just to be disappointed? I am a girl who knows how to make a resolution!

Anyway, in order to help myself reach my goal, and as a way to find new an interesting books that I otherwise would never have known about, I have joined the Blogher Book Club! I have always wanted to be apart of a book club, so when I got the email asking if I wanted to participate it felt like it was perfect. Especially since they send me the book, that way I don't have to hunt it down myself. My first book to read and review was 'A Discovery of Witches' By Deborah Harkness. I wasn't sure how I felt about jumping into another witch and vampire story, but I so enjoyed it! You can click over here and read my full review of the book. You may not be surprised to hear I did manage to mention both Twilight and Harry Potter in this review. I am a girl who knows what she likes. And likes to talk about it.

From now on I will most likely just stick this little badge on the end of a normal post to let you know I have a new review up, but for for this first one I wanted to let you know what it means. I joined a book club. I am writing reviews of books. It feels different that blogging about my random life, but I am enjoying it! So click on over and read about 'A Discovery of Witches'!

*A little bit of full disclosure, I am being paid for these book reviews. Just a heads up on that fact. But I of course will still be voicing my own opinion on the books, be it positive or negative. I am not one to suggest you read a book if I didn't enjoy it. So don't worry your pretty little selves that I would be bought out by the man. Just forget I even mentioned it. *These are not the droids you are looking for*

*Doesn't that disclosure sound super professional. Maybe like a lawyer wrote it? That's what I thought. Man, I am good with words. I can't believe it has taken people this long to start paying me for them.