So this weekend cycle day one rolled around. It's amazing how painful starting your period can be, even when you know it's coming. Somehow the finality of it all...it just sucks. But at the same time I was happy to see it all come to an end. It was like a final release of any hope, which in all honestly should have been gone anyway, but this was really it. The end of the month. The end of the cycle. The end of our treatments. Almost refreshing to say there is nothing left to wait on.
I cannot seem to decide about this follow up appointment with Doc. Have those of you who also ended your treatments with a negative result gone in to discuss it with your RE? I have this desire to go, but at the same time I have no idea what we will talk about. What is there to say? Am I looking for some magical answer that will make me feel better? I think what I want him to say is that he thinks we might get pregnant on our own...but I know he wont say that. If I go, will it just make the desire to do another cycle that much stronger, or will it give me the closure I am looking for? I am genuinely asking. Anybody who has been in this place, I would love to know if you went to your appointment, and if it helped.
Since the negative I have been angry that we can't afford another cycle, but now I realize that as financially draining as this has all been, it has been even more emotionally draining. I don't think I could do it again, even if we had the money. I couldn't start this over. I have no idea how so many people do cycle after cycle. This is just so damn hard.
If you are here from Lost and Found, thank you so much for coming by. I am thankful to have this support from this amazing infertility community. I can never tell you how much it means to have people here commenting and telling me that you understand, that you are here for us, that you love our family, that it's okay to still be crying over this. So thank you all. It is exactly what we need.
Sarah, I did not go to any of the follow up appts. We did 2 donor cycles and 4 FET's for number two, we had one BFP and almost immediate miscarriage. I didn't see the point in going. I knew the only thing he was going to say was we could try again, I know he was concerned but ultimately this is how he makes his living, he was also in Cincinnati so it would not have been as easy to go. Like you it was financially draining and emotionally draining for both of us. We do have our ten year old from IVF and like I've told you before it will always be with you but you will find peace, it will just take awhile. As much as you are thankful for Henry it is hard to accept, I know this all too well. Henry will be fine. I was sad for myself but most of all my son, but he is well adjusted, he still prays for a brother or sister (he has done this since he was 4) and I don't have the heart to tell him it won't happen but he is a very happy child and loved by so many and he knows that. Don't rush this, only time will help you. Let me know if I can do anything to help, if you want to talk privately thru email, I would love to be able to help you or just listen.
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I didn't go back either. I often think I should make the appointment, if anything to tell my RE that we're done, thanks for all his help, and thanks for the fact that, you know, we DID get our O because of him.
ReplyDeleteBut I was too afraid I would have gotten sucked into the hope of the next cycle. Because my RE did tell us that our cumulative chance of getting pregnant was good, it just might take a little longer.
And I didn't (don't?) have the emotional reserves to do it, either. Would have felt too much like failure on my part.
I know this isn't much help, but it's our experience. Ultimately, it's all about whether you think it would help you to get closure.
Hugs.
xoxo
I'm here from L&F. We did donor egg IVF in 2009 and were successful with one child. We eventually transferred all the high quality blasts from that cycle and none implanted. We found out our donor could donate one more time and went through another fresh cycle with her in March of this year. Only 2 blasts this time and neither implanted either. I also chose not to do a followup appt with our RE. I didn't feel like speaking with him would give me any closure, only more open ended questions. Plus, I figured that if I felt I needed to talk to him in the future, I could always decide later to make that appt. I don't think what he would say to me would change between right after my failed cycle versus sometime later.
ReplyDeleteI also didn't have the emotional reserves to work up any hope for any future cycle. It would have meant finding another donor and I had thin lining for all my FETs and the last fresh cycle (even though that wasn't a problem with my first and successful donor egg cycle). And my mind knew I was done even if my heart couldn't accept it yet so I didn't think talking with my RE would help bring closure. Only muddy the waters.
I agree with Serenity's advice. Ask yourself what you need for closure and put your energies there.
I don't think there is an infertile out here who hasn't had all of these same feelings and emotions. Grief is such an ugly thing, and it is so difficult to get through. And it is so hard to say that you are done when you don't really feel like you are. How do you tell yourself to stop when you don't want to? And this isn't like telling yourself not to eat any more candy, this is telling yourself to stop building your dream family. That's HARD.
ReplyDeleteAs I have been finding lately, none of this ever goes away. Even when we feel like we're doing okay, sometimes life swings the bat when we least expect it and we find ourselves on our knees for no apparent reason.
The only thing I can say is that we should never give up hope. It might not happen, and it just might. Miracle babies happen all of the time.
I am so very sorry you've had such a rough time and hope you can find peace of mind and heart soon. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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Oh Sarah, I am so sorry for all your heartbreak. To know that you had those embryos frozen and waiting for you after Henry, and then to lose them all...
ReplyDeleteYou have been through so much. I wish that you didn't have to experience such grief.
(Your sister is also often in my thoughts.)
I can't answer any of those questions, but I pray that you feel peace in your decision, whatever it is.
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