Thoughts

Over 300. Over 300 messages of support, when I add up blog comments, twitter and text messages over the last two days. People first wishing us luck, and then sharing our sorrow.

Do you all know how amazing that is? Do you know how much each and every single word of support has meant to me? I don't know if I can ever really tell you. Your support has made me feel less alone. Has made me know that you all feel this heartbreak with us. That you understand that this feels like a loss. A loss of something we knew we wanted, of something we thought we would have.

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I thought the major portion of the tears dried up yesterday afternoon around the time Henry and I got up from naps. Turns out I was wrong. They started again in full force once I climbed into bed for the night. I wasn't able to sleep until around 3, then Henry was up at 4 and 5:30 coughing. I am about to start work, and need to put on my brave face before people start asking how may day off went, but I can't seem to find it. But how do I stay home and miss another day of work for a cycle that was never anything more than a hope and heartache?

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I had a plan for how to tell you all I was pregnant yesterday. I kept thinking about it, and nothing seemed right. Then right before I went for my blood draw, it came to me. It was cute and simple. It would give the new baby a name on the blog, and I was happy about it. It really felt like everything was falling into place. Until it wasn't.

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I feel lost. I am really not sure where exactly to go from here, and that is terrifying. I just...never had any doubt that of our six high quality frozen blasts we would get at least one child. I never questioned us being at least a family of four. It felt right. It felt like what was suppose to happen. And now that it hasn't...I just don't know what exactly to do. My heart is broken, and I can't find a way to fix it.

I want to take back that this was our last chance. I want to make ONE MORE last chance. But there is just no way, short of Kentucky deciding that infertility is a disease and not a choice and should be covered by insurance. Doc wants us to do another fresh cycle, but it would cost around $18,000. We have already done too much, because we thought this was suppose to happen. How could we move forward, especially now knowing that these things don't always work. With my body more broken than before. With older eggs and a lower chance of success. As much as I want to, we just can't. This really was the last chance.

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I decided yesterday evening that we should go out to dinner. I just couldn't sit at the house anymore. Everything was nice, just the three of us at Qdoba, then I noticed the empty 4th chair at our table. And it hit me again. Just three. Never four. The tears started once more, but I got them under control. Henry started to dance at the table, and I laughed. Really laughed. But then I cried a little more.

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As much as I hate this for me and Nick, I hate it most for Henry. I look at him, and I hate that the best thing I could ever have given him, I wont be able to. That he will forever have the pressure of being an only child, never have the joy and love of a sibling. I can't imagine that. And I hate it for him. I wish that, for him, there was going to be another. I wish it for me too, but my heart breaks all over again for my sweet boy and what he will never have.

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It is strange the things I am mourning already. Of course the fact that we wont have another baby, but also little things. that I will never be pregnant again, that I will never feel a baby move inside of me, that I will never have that amazing experience of giving birth again. That I will never nurse again. All these things, these things that I loved. And now I know they are actually over. Forever. Each one feels a little more like a knife in the heart. Not only the loss of the idea of another child, but the loss of everything. Each little piece that makes parenting so amazing.

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I hate my broken body.

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I was at church on Sunday and one thing that was said in the message is that God doesn't give you what you want, he gives you what will build your character. I cannot imagine that this is why this happened, as a character building activity, but I just cannot see why we were given these six amazing embryos, just to come out the other end the same. Only more broken.

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As hard as the last day has been, we are going to come out the other side of this okay. We are a damn good family of three. And although that empty chair will always be heart breaking for me, I do know how lucky we are. We have our sweet boy, and we have each other.

Thank you for reading along. Thank you for the support. I will find my footing soon. But for a little while I may seem lost. Because right now, I am.