Girlfriends

People tell you when you are young, "Don't choose a boy over your girlfriends. Your friends will always be with you, and a boy could always leave." When I was really young I remember thinking "what silly advice. I would NEVER choose anybody over my best friends!". But adult women kept repeating the advice. As if it was a lesson they had learned the hard way. Happily married women would say "Don't give up your girlfriends. They are important!" and you could see, it was a painful thing for them. A true piece of advice they hoped that these girls in their teenage years would hear.

As I got older I remember questioning the advice. "But...shouldn't my future husband be who I am closest to? Shouldn't our family be first? Girl friends are good...but this love...it's better." But I always remembered the advice. Remembered that it was told to me from women in great marriages and broken homes. It didn't matter who they were, they would say "Keep you girlfriends. They are important". So I tried to listen. Oh sure, we have grown apart over the years. Life and babies, men and jobs, moving to other cities, making other friends, LIFE. It's a lot to keep up with. And so we did grow apart. But never all the way apart. Never to the point where I felt like they were gone. But sometimes far enough apart where I worried that someday soon they would be. That I was losing them. That all this life was getting in the way, and these friendships that used to be THE most important thing, were becoming nothing more than surface. Just something to put up and say "Look! I knew they were important! We are still friends!". But really...really...did they know me? Did they know where my heart was? That it was sometimes broken? Did I know them? Did I know what was REALLY happening behind all "life is good" and "we are just so busy" statements?

I am very lucky. People online talk a lot about wishing they are girlfriends close by. I have eight local girls and one long distance dear friend that I know would always be there for me. Always. Two of them are my sisters, one is my sister in law and one is my cousin. So the deck is stacked in my favor, having such a female heavy family. The rest might as well be family too. They are to me. But going into this summer I knew that time and distance was effecting us. It was changing us. It had been for awhile. And I think we all felt it. We all knew, we need to change, or this amazing thing is going to be gone. So we started doing brunch. Once a week, on Wednesdays ,whomever could come would come. And it was good. It was better than good, it was awesome. And then we added in a once a month Sunday brunch, for those girls who couldn't do Wednesday due to work. And it felt amazing. It felt like we were getting back there. Back to where these friendships were important. One of the most important things. We were spending time together, cookouts and pool parties. We were healing.

But at the same time... things still felt a little surface. Like our time together was not for the hard stuff. It was so rare, lets enjoy it. Lets get back to having fun together! But at the same time, there was heartbreak in the room. We all sorta knew it, we knew it was in ourselves, but maybe not as much that we each had it. That in the last few years life had happened, and shit had gotten hard. And that in times like these, 'you need your girlfriends. They are important'.

This weekend my sister in law planned a fire pit at her house. It was a girls only event. Not husbands, no babies. Just us. She called it a cleansing. A way to let the past few years go. And I think we all felt it was important. Everyone tried to make it, even on a Friday night after a holiday week. One girl was on vacation, and a couple couldn't work it out, but for the most part we were there. Seven girls...women I guess... sitting around a fire laughing and talking. My SIL had brought paper and simple instructions. Write down what you need to let go. You can share it or not. No big deal. But I want to burn the stuff I am carrying around.

You could tell she was worried we would think it was dumb. But I think that was quickly forgotten as the tears began to flow. Over three hours we talked. A lot was just laughing and sharing. Jokes and memories. And then sometimes, mixed in, was the hard stuff. The stuff we wanted to let go. The broken hearts. And it was amazing. And so very personal. And will never be mentioned beyond the fact that it happened. And oh thank god it did. Because now, in my heart, I feel like my girlfriends are back. Not back for brunch or the pool. Those things are good. But they are back in my heart. That now at 31, they know where I am. They know that I am much more broken that I was at 21, and they love me more for it. And more importantly, that I know where they are. They are much more broken than they were ten years ago too, and I love them even more for it.

I think everyone knows what I needed to throw in the fire, or at least the one biggest thing. But my girls sat there and listened. They listened as I talked and cried myself out. Something I so desperately needed. They listened and told me they loved me. That their hearts were breaking for us too. That life sucks, but they are there with me. That these amazing women are my girlfriends. And that they always will be.

Hold on to your girlfriends. Make them a priority. They are more important than you can ever realize.

Thank you girls. For listening. For sharing. For taking it all seriously. Those of us who were there will never forget it. And it will be an annual event for our group from now on. A cleansing. I can't recommend anything more.