The Trenches

I was sitting in the break room this afternoon reading ( Drums of Autumn ) when a guy who works in the building walked in and looked at me.  He laughed and said, "All I ever see you doing is reading and eating!".  Well...I thought, this is the break room. What else would I really be doing in here?...but I just said "Those are two of my favorite things, so I guess you know me pretty well now!" and smiled at him.

He laughed and then asked me if I have children.  We work in the same building, but never work together and really don't know each other at all.  I tell him I do, that I have my sweet Henry.  He asked how old he was and I said two.  He then told me that he also has a son who is seven.  Then he turned away to fill up his coffee cup and said, "We really wanted more...but...well...our boy is our miracle."

He said it lightly, and maybe if I weren't an infertile too I would have missed the inflection.  The pain behind the words.  The way his head dropped a little, the way he still felt the weight of the heart ache of that want for another that sometimes isn't possible.  I looked at him then, much more invested in the conversation than I was seconds before, and I say "Oh our Henry is our miracle too.  We fought hard to get him, and we wanted another very badly...but it isn't going to happen for us." 

I wasn't sure how else to put it.  I wanted him to know that I understood.  That I really understood.  That we were the same, that we didn't choose to have an only child, but that we are so incredibly thankful for our one.  He looked at me, and he really looked.  Then a small, sad smile came across his face and he nodded his head. I smiled back and nodded mine.  Neither one of us said  "you never know what will happen, you might have another" or "Just relax and it will happen eventually!".  The little smile between us was all that was needed.  It said "I am from the trenches too.  I know that heart ache".  It's always an interesting experience, finding another person touched by infertility when you aren't expecting it. And I know he and I will think of each other differently now.  More as friends than we were minutes before.

After the small smile we talked for a minute about our boys.  He told me about how they decided on his son's name.  He ended the story with, "He is a really good boy.  We are so lucky".

Yes, we are.