I feel like I am on an emotional ledge. I don't exactly know how I got here, but here I sit.
Missy goes back up to the NIH this week for a new MRI and a reevaluation of the tumor growth. And I am terrified.
Nick's job is running out of funding in the next few weeks. We don't have an exact end date, but it is coming soon. He is trying to line up something else here at the University, but so far the best we have is that hopefully someone can get him on in June. Hopefully. We don't want to move, but we cannot afford to live on my salary alone. That is actually almost a joke. We can't even come CLOSE to living on my salary. Having the primary bread winner (who carries Henry on his insurance) out of work is terrifying. And we are staring that reality down the barrel.
My endo is moving back to the land of Out Of Control. My periods are lasting around 14 days and are extremely painful. I know it's time to go in and talk to the doctor. To talk about another surgery, but that will cost us money we don't really have. To talk about going back on birth control, but in all honesty birth control makes me feel worse that I have these last few months off of it. Rather than a two week painful period and then two weeks basically symptom free, on birth control I am just crampy and uncomfortable all the time with constant spotting and then the added bonus of extremely painful periods to boot. And of course, I don't want to go on birth control. Because that will officially be THE END. And although I should be ready for that, I am just not.
If the Last Chance FET had worked I would be due next month. And that breaks my heart.
So that is where I am at. On an emotional ledge trying really hard not to let my lower lip quiver. I sat down to write something funny and up beat, and for the life of me I couldn't thing of a thing to say. Maybe this is why. Because right now I am not in a funny and upbeat place. I am in a hard place. And they happen, and I will get through it. But today, I am on the ledge, and it's a hard place to hang out.
I so understand that - willing your humor to take over and come up with something witty and clever and everything in your brain and heart is just too heavy. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, hon. I know it doesn't help at all for me to tell you I understand, but I do. (The Endo stuff mainly...my husband just doesn't get it when I try to explain the misery to him...) I'm sorry you're having a gray period right now. You're in my thoughts and I'll share some sunshine with you if you need it.
ReplyDeleteum, yes, I'd be on the ledge too.
ReplyDeleteWe had D out of work for 6 months once in 1992 and it was TERRIFYING. Of course, as luck would have it, we'd just bought a brand new (to us) house so yes, stress galore.
Now with the endo. Mine has thankfully been managed by staying on the patch. I know it's the end but I really don't want surgery number 7!
My one friend with endo as worse as mine is (!) is having a hysterectomy beg Feb because she's been having 8-week periods.......... I know. Terrible.
Anyway, hoping all goes well and that you will be able to handle it all!
Oh my god, and 8 WEEK period? That is hell.
DeleteWow! you have a lot going on! It always seems crap happens all at the same time! I am hoping things take a turn for the better soon!
ReplyDeleteSarah! Hi there I'm from ICLW #112 and I just want you to know, you aren't alone on your ledge. We've all been there and unfortunately revisit at a moments notice... this economy bites. I'm praying for a breakthrough in a job for Nick and for you as you approach your EDD, and for your endo symptoms that is a lot to be going through all at once. I'm following your blog now and will be checking back to see how you are doing!
ReplyDeleteThanks for coming by and thanks for following along!
DeleteI don't know if I am on a ledge or in a rut...but I hear ya, I sympathize.
ReplyDeleteI hope things work out for you!
Endo just sucks, that's all there is to it :(. If you're looking for an alternative to bcp, you might consider natural progesterone cream. I took it after my last surgery with some real success (I also have adeno and it really helped get rid of the painful periods), and my little sis has taken it to avoid surgery altogether. This site has the info on how to take it for endo: http://endo101.com/dose.htm
ReplyDeleteMy sis took it for 3 months (she wasn't really consistent though) and was pain-free for 6 months! She is going to start the regimen again and take it as directed this time, so hopefully she'll be pain-free even longer. The good thing is it's cheap ($26 for a tube that lasts 3 months) and you don't need a prescription. And it doesn't have the same side effects as oral progesterone, as it's absorbed through fat tissue and doesn't go through the digestive tract and the liver.
Anyway, sorry for the assvice, just thought I'd throw it out there :).
Thank you so much for the information. I will look into it for sure!
DeleteThank you for your comment on my blog (ICLW). I'm sorry that you're going through a rough time.
ReplyDeleteI hope that this ledge passes by quickly...know that it's OK to let that lower lip quiver and even cry it out if it helps!!
Big hugs...
So sorry, Sarah. I know there isn't anything I can say to make it better. I just wanna let ya know I will pray for you and Nick's employment situation & the horrible pain from the endometriosis. And your sister's new MRI.
ReplyDeleteHugs.
I'm sorry you are having such a tough time at the moment. Wishing you all the best for the coming year. Happy ICLW!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're having a tough day. It is so hard when you're on that ledge. I hope that you two are able to find some answers to your current uncertain situations. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteI am sitting here trying to think of something to say that will bring you some kind of comfort other than how bad things suck. Other than how much my heart breaks for you. I am high on empathy, so I can feel the stress and heartache you feel through your words. The only comfort I can offer is that things always work out. You will land on your feet. It just sucks to be stuck in these moments, and to have to get through them at all. I hope that something brings you comfort soon.
ReplyDeleteOh sweetie I am so sorry. I have been at that ledge so many times. It's so hard.
ReplyDeletePlease know that you are in my thoughts and prayers right now. Sending you peace and calm....and maybe some wine and xanax?
Big, big, big hugs!!!
Will you come drink the wine with me?? That sounds like the perfect cure to me! xo
DeleteOH sweetie, I am so so sorry I missed this when you posted it. I have been playing catch up for a couple of weeks now and this just totally slipped through my net. I'm so glad to see that you had so many others here to comment and offer support and that you are starting to feel a bit better now.
ReplyDeleteYou have SO MUCH going on that it is no wonder you feel close to the edge sometimes. You'd be crazy not to. I know it's hard to stay clear-minded with so much going on in your life, so much to worry about. I am thinking of you all the time, even when I don't actually manage to get onto the blog to catch up xx
Sending you so much love, I'm sorry you're in such a rough spot. Praying you see some sunshine soon. xo
ReplyDeleteI have lived that scary ledge (as far as the job situation) and am here to tell about it. I know it doesn't make it better - but I was the bread winner, lost my job, and while it was ridiculously hard - it ended. I'm sorry for all the stress you are feeling and going through and sending good thoughts your way.
ReplyDelete