So I went back to the doctor once again on Friday. They are really starting to love me around that place. I had a follow up appointment scheduled for this coming Friday, but was just so miserable with pain on my left side that I moved it up a week. They did another ultrasound and found that the cyst on my left side is now 2.5cm (not that much bigger than it was three weeks ago) and that now it looks like a "complex cyst", meaning that it has it's own blood supply. According to the ultrasound tech, that basically means that it is must likely not a classic cyst but a bundle of endometriosis. I asked if if a 2.5cm bundle of endo can spring up in the matter of eight weeks and she looked at me, then pointed to the screen. Right.
So, I will spare you the details on how much I cried (lots). But the final decision by me and the doc is to just go back in and take out my left ovary and tube. Good old trusty righty should be able to keep my hormones regulated on it's own, so I should be okay with one. My doctor said that when he decided to leave the left ovary two months ago it didn't look great, but he thought it would heal. Clearly that isn't happening. He said with a cyst like this, there is really nothing else they can do for it that will get rid of it. That medicines and the IUD should help with my normal endometriosis and my periods, but that this cyst has taken on a life of it's own. So... out it goes. And with it the ovary that seems to love growing cysts to keep it company.
He was also really nice and talked about how long he has known me (like 15 years) and that if I am telling them I am in this much pain, that he knows it must be awful. And you all, it is. It is awful. And I am so tired of complaining about it, and I am so tired of FEELING it. It has been truly terrible and I am just so ready for it to be done.
So Thursday I go back in to surgery for the second time in two months. He is hoping to take out the ovary and the tube laporascopically, but if he can't then I will have to be admitted. For now we are hoping for an out patient deal and I will be home that night. I am just praying that once it's gone, the pain will finally (FINALLY) go away.
**Many of you may be asking why in the heck I am not just having a full hysterectomy and being done with this entire nasty business. GOOD QUESTION! There several reasons. One being that a full hysterectomy with both ovaries at the age of 32 does a real number on your body hormonally. I would have to choose between hormone replacement therapies, which are not great for you, especially if you are on them for a very long time like I would be, or having extreme onset menopause. I won't go in to it all, but there are side effects from either option I would like to avoid.
Also, if I had a hysterectomy I would need to take six weeks off work, and would not be suppose to pick up Henry for that six weeks. That is just not possible right now. Five years from now, yes, but not now. So this is the answer that works best for me. It isn't so I can have another baby. I know that is not in the cards for us. But hopefully with the IUD and this troublesome ovary out of the way I can buy myself some time. The doctor seems to think I can. He thinks this is the right step. And I am really hoping he is right.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Friday, April 27, 2012
My Boy
He is in love with being outside. From the moment he wakes up he asks if we can go out. To ride his motorcycle, to color with chalk, to SWING! His knees are scabbed and his clothes are grass stained and he loves every second of it.
His pants pockets are filled with treasures. I have to check them all before I do any laundry. pennies, quarters, any little rock that he thinks is worth further investigation. Sometimes he jumps and hears the items click together and smiles. He tells me 'Henry's pockets full!".
He is fascinated with living things. He watches caterpillars as they crawl across the patio. He sets his hand down and says "come on little caterpillar!" and lets it climb across his fingers. Then he laughs with pure joy at the sight. He watches a turtle documentary on Netflix, asking Nick to play it for him, then cheering when it begins. As he watches the baby turtle make it's way to the water he loudly proclaims, "I LOVE TURTLES!!"
He is so big, I sometimes look at him and wonder if my baby is gone.
But then nights like the other night happen. Where I tell him it's bedtime and he looks at me and says "Sit with mama, PLEASE!". I hold out my hands and pull him into the seat where I nursed him every single night for fourteen months. He curls into my arms, much bigger than he seems like he was just days before. His legs are long and he smells of summer and childhood. His breath is on my neck and his hand is wrapped in my hair. I am about to tell him it's time for books and bed when I notice his breathing has slowed and his hands are limp. He is asleep. I hold him longer than I should, or maybe not nearly long enough. Who knows how many more times he will fall asleep in his mama's arms this way. Surely it will happen again, but not nearly enough.
I slowly pick him up and carefully carry him to his room. I lay him down in his toddler bed, kiss his head and tell him how much I love him. Just like I did every night when he was tiny. Just like I do every night still. My big boy. My baby. Either way, he is mine, and I love him so.
His pants pockets are filled with treasures. I have to check them all before I do any laundry. pennies, quarters, any little rock that he thinks is worth further investigation. Sometimes he jumps and hears the items click together and smiles. He tells me 'Henry's pockets full!".
He is fascinated with living things. He watches caterpillars as they crawl across the patio. He sets his hand down and says "come on little caterpillar!" and lets it climb across his fingers. Then he laughs with pure joy at the sight. He watches a turtle documentary on Netflix, asking Nick to play it for him, then cheering when it begins. As he watches the baby turtle make it's way to the water he loudly proclaims, "I LOVE TURTLES!!"
He is so big, I sometimes look at him and wonder if my baby is gone.
But then nights like the other night happen. Where I tell him it's bedtime and he looks at me and says "Sit with mama, PLEASE!". I hold out my hands and pull him into the seat where I nursed him every single night for fourteen months. He curls into my arms, much bigger than he seems like he was just days before. His legs are long and he smells of summer and childhood. His breath is on my neck and his hand is wrapped in my hair. I am about to tell him it's time for books and bed when I notice his breathing has slowed and his hands are limp. He is asleep. I hold him longer than I should, or maybe not nearly long enough. Who knows how many more times he will fall asleep in his mama's arms this way. Surely it will happen again, but not nearly enough.
I slowly pick him up and carefully carry him to his room. I lay him down in his toddler bed, kiss his head and tell him how much I love him. Just like I did every night when he was tiny. Just like I do every night still. My big boy. My baby. Either way, he is mine, and I love him so.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Crunch Time
I am feeling the pressure to get things done.
Little things like the laundry, since our dryer was broken for a few weeks I feel overwhelmed by it. I have been going the laundry matt down the street, so I am not even that far behind. But it feels important. Like something that MUST be done NOW.
Then there are bigger things like my final paper for my Women's Health class. Since the semester is wrapping up and it is worth 25% of my grade, it is pretty important and it's due by next Wednesday. I am writing it on breastfeeding and the early introduction on formula by hospitals in the US and how that effects the success of mothers who were planning to exclusively breastfeed. It is exceptionally interesting to my nerdy heart, but it's ten pages full of medical journal sources and it is taking a lot of time. And time is something I don't feel like I have extra of these days.
Plus, there is this other really BIG THING in two weeks. A BIG THING I am working on and planning for, but trying not to think too much about. Sort of like the way you want to be out in the sun, but you don't look directly AT the sun or it hurts your eyes. This BIG THING sorta hurts my eyes in the same way. (Or... at least it makes them fill with moisture in the same way as that pesky old sun.) We are in full swing of planning someones third birthday party. Because he is nearly three. THREE. And we will discuss that more in detail at a later time. BECAUSE I CANNOT LOOK DIRECTLY AT THE SUN, I CAN ONLY PLAN A PARTY AROUND IT. (It will be adorable, you all. I can't wait to show you). (PLEASE DON'T LET IT RAIN)
So anyway, with the birthday planning comes his three year professional pictures and the making of the photo montage. I have to find a cake and come up with a food plan. I want games this year, so I really should get on that. And... you know... two weeks. And the only thing checked off the list is "Order Invitations" and "buy stamps".
Then add in all the little stuff. My ten hour days at work where we are in the busy season of the year and I feel like I never stop moving. The birthdays and the baby showers, the graduations and the weddings all on the horizon. I am thrilled about everything, THRILLED. And yet, I look at my calendar and wonder how in the hell it all fits in. When exactly do I find time to sleep? To sit down and rest? To clean my house?
I feel like every single week I am down to crunch time to get the few things done that MUST be done because I am out of time. That I can't ever get ahead. And I don't mean to complain and I know I put all of these things on myself. It's just, for today, crunch time seems to be a little crushing. And I just wish there were a few more hours in the day.
At least I am spending today with these two. They always make my heart a little lighter.
PS. Nick and I started watching Downton Abbey last night. I know, one more thing to do, right? Except I am so hooked already! And I really love when Nick and I watch a new show together. It's one more thing to keep me from going to bed at a reasonable hour, but it is totally worth it. You should check it out!
Little things like the laundry, since our dryer was broken for a few weeks I feel overwhelmed by it. I have been going the laundry matt down the street, so I am not even that far behind. But it feels important. Like something that MUST be done NOW.
Then there are bigger things like my final paper for my Women's Health class. Since the semester is wrapping up and it is worth 25% of my grade, it is pretty important and it's due by next Wednesday. I am writing it on breastfeeding and the early introduction on formula by hospitals in the US and how that effects the success of mothers who were planning to exclusively breastfeed. It is exceptionally interesting to my nerdy heart, but it's ten pages full of medical journal sources and it is taking a lot of time. And time is something I don't feel like I have extra of these days.
Plus, there is this other really BIG THING in two weeks. A BIG THING I am working on and planning for, but trying not to think too much about. Sort of like the way you want to be out in the sun, but you don't look directly AT the sun or it hurts your eyes. This BIG THING sorta hurts my eyes in the same way. (Or... at least it makes them fill with moisture in the same way as that pesky old sun.) We are in full swing of planning someones third birthday party. Because he is nearly three. THREE. And we will discuss that more in detail at a later time. BECAUSE I CANNOT LOOK DIRECTLY AT THE SUN, I CAN ONLY PLAN A PARTY AROUND IT. (It will be adorable, you all. I can't wait to show you). (PLEASE DON'T LET IT RAIN)
So anyway, with the birthday planning comes his three year professional pictures and the making of the photo montage. I have to find a cake and come up with a food plan. I want games this year, so I really should get on that. And... you know... two weeks. And the only thing checked off the list is "Order Invitations" and "buy stamps".
Then add in all the little stuff. My ten hour days at work where we are in the busy season of the year and I feel like I never stop moving. The birthdays and the baby showers, the graduations and the weddings all on the horizon. I am thrilled about everything, THRILLED. And yet, I look at my calendar and wonder how in the hell it all fits in. When exactly do I find time to sleep? To sit down and rest? To clean my house?
I feel like every single week I am down to crunch time to get the few things done that MUST be done because I am out of time. That I can't ever get ahead. And I don't mean to complain and I know I put all of these things on myself. It's just, for today, crunch time seems to be a little crushing. And I just wish there were a few more hours in the day.
At least I am spending today with these two. They always make my heart a little lighter.
PS. Nick and I started watching Downton Abbey last night. I know, one more thing to do, right? Except I am so hooked already! And I really love when Nick and I watch a new show together. It's one more thing to keep me from going to bed at a reasonable hour, but it is totally worth it. You should check it out!
Monday, April 23, 2012
One in Eight
We are all around you.
Sometimes our fight is silent. A war that you would never know was being fought, unless you notice the tears we fight so hard to keep from spilling over as we find out we are at the end of yet another failed cycle. As another pregnancy is announced. As another unwanted child is reported on the news.
Sometimes we stand up and make our fight known. We open our hearts and our lives to those around us, making us available for love and support, but also so very vulnerable to your criticisms. Hoping for nothing more or less than understanding in the fact that this is not always easy, and we are struggling.
Sometimes we stay in our smaller starter homes longer, we drive older cars. We skimp and save, we fight for every last dime to cover the medical treatments that might give us what comes so easily for others.
Sometimes it is still not enough. We go from being a couple you assume will have children later to a couple you assume decided to never have children at all.
Sometimes those extra bedrooms never become anything more than a home office or a guest room. Sometimes that perfect nook for a crib never gets filled with anything at all.
But sometimes it does. Sometimes the treatments work and our heart is filled with the love we have been waiting for. And yet still, we are scarred by the war. We love our children differently than we would have, we love each other differently. Our battle has changed our hearts, for better or worse we can't really say. But we are most definitely changed.
We are one in eight women. We are suffering from infertility. Please Don't Ignore us.
Sometimes our fight is silent. A war that you would never know was being fought, unless you notice the tears we fight so hard to keep from spilling over as we find out we are at the end of yet another failed cycle. As another pregnancy is announced. As another unwanted child is reported on the news.
Sometimes we stand up and make our fight known. We open our hearts and our lives to those around us, making us available for love and support, but also so very vulnerable to your criticisms. Hoping for nothing more or less than understanding in the fact that this is not always easy, and we are struggling.
Sometimes we stay in our smaller starter homes longer, we drive older cars. We skimp and save, we fight for every last dime to cover the medical treatments that might give us what comes so easily for others.
Sometimes it is still not enough. We go from being a couple you assume will have children later to a couple you assume decided to never have children at all.
Sometimes those extra bedrooms never become anything more than a home office or a guest room. Sometimes that perfect nook for a crib never gets filled with anything at all.
But sometimes it does. Sometimes the treatments work and our heart is filled with the love we have been waiting for. And yet still, we are scarred by the war. We love our children differently than we would have, we love each other differently. Our battle has changed our hearts, for better or worse we can't really say. But we are most definitely changed.
We are one in eight women. We are suffering from infertility. Please Don't Ignore us.
This post is to help bring attention to National Infertility Awareness Week.Thank you for always being supportive of our infertility journey here at Bio Girl. I am very blessed.
Friday, April 20, 2012
A Disney (on ICE!) Tale: The Toy Story Edition
Have I ever mentioned how sometimes I get a touch disgruntled over the way so many things see to be for little girls? Like all kids clothing stores? There are two racks of boy clothes, all which look exactly the same, and then the REST OF THE STORE are adorable girl clothes. And I am sure there is a reason for this. Like, there just aren't that many ways to make boy clothes, or maybe that studies have shown that mothers of boys don't buy anything but jeans and t-shirts NO MATTER WHAT. But it annoys me.
Another item on the list of "it's not far, I want to do cool stuff with my BOY" is the Princess Disney on Ice shows. I keep reading blog post after blog post with adorable pictures of their daughters in princess outfits going to the show. And every time I am like "WELL.. it must be NICE to have entire ice shows make for your little girl!" Until recently. When Boo sent me a picture of an add in our local magazine. And it was for.... TOY STORY ON ICE!
Oh yes, we dressed them up. OF COURSE WE DID. We actually had a Buzz outfit for Henry (thanks Charing!), but he WAS NOT A FAN. So we pulled this out of the closet to he could be a cowboy just like Woody. He was happy!
Getting ready for the show to start!
As soon as we sat down, before the music even started, Henry took on the look you see here. He proclaimed the entire thing to be "TOO LOUD!" and watched the entire first half with his ears covered. Which... you know, wasn't the reaction I was going for. But still, he never cried or asked to go home, which... is good? right?
Sometimes he would allow others to take over the ear covering responsibilities for him. You can't see it in the picture, but he was actually enoying himself by this point. Pointing to the characters and just starting to dance a little. As you can see in the back ground, Cici had NO PROBLEM with the noise.
She was REALLY in to it. Clapping, yelling, jumping up and down. She loved every single second. Right up until the second half when she was like "Whatever... I am DONE" so they headed for home. Still, it was totally worth it for our girl to be there! She made it over an hour into the show and enjoyed every second.
As for the show itself, I found it highly entertaining. Especially all the toys that required two people. Just think of spending your entire life training to be an ice skater and you finally land a role and it's as Slink's butt. THE BIG TIME HAS ARRIVED.
Around the time Cici got antsy, Henry got comfortable. he took his hands off his ears, he clapped, he danced, He had a blast. He was still a little nervous, but it was clear he was really enjoying himself.
After the show was over we asked him if he had a good time. "YEAH!!!!" he told us. So the entire group agreed. Toy Story on Ice, a total hit!
Now, if I could just get the "Barbie World" song out of my head, I would really be thrilled with the entire experience...
Another item on the list of "it's not far, I want to do cool stuff with my BOY" is the Princess Disney on Ice shows. I keep reading blog post after blog post with adorable pictures of their daughters in princess outfits going to the show. And every time I am like "WELL.. it must be NICE to have entire ice shows make for your little girl!" Until recently. When Boo sent me a picture of an add in our local magazine. And it was for.... TOY STORY ON ICE!
Oh yes, we dressed them up. OF COURSE WE DID. We actually had a Buzz outfit for Henry (thanks Charing!), but he WAS NOT A FAN. So we pulled this out of the closet to he could be a cowboy just like Woody. He was happy!
Getting ready for the show to start!
As soon as we sat down, before the music even started, Henry took on the look you see here. He proclaimed the entire thing to be "TOO LOUD!" and watched the entire first half with his ears covered. Which... you know, wasn't the reaction I was going for. But still, he never cried or asked to go home, which... is good? right?
Sometimes he would allow others to take over the ear covering responsibilities for him. You can't see it in the picture, but he was actually enoying himself by this point. Pointing to the characters and just starting to dance a little. As you can see in the back ground, Cici had NO PROBLEM with the noise.
She was REALLY in to it. Clapping, yelling, jumping up and down. She loved every single second. Right up until the second half when she was like "Whatever... I am DONE" so they headed for home. Still, it was totally worth it for our girl to be there! She made it over an hour into the show and enjoyed every second.
As for the show itself, I found it highly entertaining. Especially all the toys that required two people. Just think of spending your entire life training to be an ice skater and you finally land a role and it's as Slink's butt. THE BIG TIME HAS ARRIVED.
Around the time Cici got antsy, Henry got comfortable. he took his hands off his ears, he clapped, he danced, He had a blast. He was still a little nervous, but it was clear he was really enjoying himself.
After the show was over we asked him if he had a good time. "YEAH!!!!" he told us. So the entire group agreed. Toy Story on Ice, a total hit!
Now, if I could just get the "Barbie World" song out of my head, I would really be thrilled with the entire experience...
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Resolution Reevaluation
So back to those New Year's Resolutions. Okay, I know you all DO NOT CARE about my New Year's resolution list nearly as much as I do. Logically, I see that. But the thing is, this list gives me real goals for my year! And I take those goals very seriously! I mean... sometimes I do. Sometimes (like today) I look at the list and see that I put "start painting" on it and think, "Oh my god, THAT is one of my resolutions?? WHO KNEW?"
And logically the answer should be that I KNEW because I think of the list rather a lot. But apparently I only think of two of them. The diet and the books. Also sometimes the "do fun things" one, but mostly it's the diet and the books.
And guess what this post is about? The.... BOOKS!
(I bet you thought I would go with diet there, didn't you?)
So... the thing is... one of my resolutions... it was to read six classic books, and to also read 24 books in the year. The 24 books thing, not a problem. But the classics.... yeaaaaaaaah. It just isn't going to happen. I see that it's totally my fault. I own that. I mean, sometimes you set a goal and you start that goal and you are like, "you know what, I HATE this goal!" And so today, on April whatever it is, I am changing the goal. Which, for the record, I do not feel like is cheating at all. If you believe it IS cheating...well... I guess you can tell me about that it the comments. BUT WAIT! Let me first explain and then I think you will be on my side about this entire nasty "resolution changing" debate. (is anybody debating me? Does anybody care? Hello??)
Here is the thing. I tried to read a couple different classics. I TRIED. And you guys, they are just not for me. I mean, I am sure they have deep literary meaning and they shaped what writing is today and all that jazz, but I just can't seem to get in to them. And for me, reading is a release. It is what I do to relax and for fun. And feeling like I HAVE to read this DAMN CLASSIC because I promised I would, it is annoying me. And I still have eight and a half entire months to stick to a new resolution, so it isn't like I am presenting this switch on December 21st, right? So here is my ALTERED Resolution.
1. I will read at least six books that are outside of my reading comfort zone. I am going to at least spend some of my reading time reading things I will still enjoy, but that are not young adult stories about dystopian societies* or about witches or vampires. ( bet you thought I would go with The Hunger Games, Harry Potter and Twilight there, right? Wrong.) I will read memoirs and historical non-fiction and maybe even horror stories. As a matter of fact, I already have been working on this, and I am REALLY enjoying it!
So... I guess that's it. Reading new and different books is a good thing. Forcing myself to read things I don't enjoy does nothing but make me not want to read. So I wasn't willing to just give up on my resolution, but I needed to change it to something I can be aware of and work on, but that is still enjoyable for myself. We all good with this plan? GOOD!
*Speaking of Divergent, you guys. YOU GUYS. Have you read this yet? I just reread it to get ready for book two, and although it is talking MORE about young adult distopian societies, I am going to go ahead and tell you to read it. I mean, maybe your reading comfort zone is memoirs and historical nonfiction, and I am doing you a FAVOR HERE. Go get Divergent. Read it. Come back and tell me how awesome it is.
**Also, go read Ready Player One. It is awesome. Like it is now one of my favorite books kinda awesome. It makes my nerdy heart happy.
And logically the answer should be that I KNEW because I think of the list rather a lot. But apparently I only think of two of them. The diet and the books. Also sometimes the "do fun things" one, but mostly it's the diet and the books.
And guess what this post is about? The.... BOOKS!
(I bet you thought I would go with diet there, didn't you?)
So... the thing is... one of my resolutions... it was to read six classic books, and to also read 24 books in the year. The 24 books thing, not a problem. But the classics.... yeaaaaaaaah. It just isn't going to happen. I see that it's totally my fault. I own that. I mean, sometimes you set a goal and you start that goal and you are like, "you know what, I HATE this goal!" And so today, on April whatever it is, I am changing the goal. Which, for the record, I do not feel like is cheating at all. If you believe it IS cheating...well... I guess you can tell me about that it the comments. BUT WAIT! Let me first explain and then I think you will be on my side about this entire nasty "resolution changing" debate. (is anybody debating me? Does anybody care? Hello??)
Here is the thing. I tried to read a couple different classics. I TRIED. And you guys, they are just not for me. I mean, I am sure they have deep literary meaning and they shaped what writing is today and all that jazz, but I just can't seem to get in to them. And for me, reading is a release. It is what I do to relax and for fun. And feeling like I HAVE to read this DAMN CLASSIC because I promised I would, it is annoying me. And I still have eight and a half entire months to stick to a new resolution, so it isn't like I am presenting this switch on December 21st, right? So here is my ALTERED Resolution.
1. I will read at least six books that are outside of my reading comfort zone. I am going to at least spend some of my reading time reading things I will still enjoy, but that are not young adult stories about dystopian societies* or about witches or vampires. ( bet you thought I would go with The Hunger Games, Harry Potter and Twilight there, right? Wrong.) I will read memoirs and historical non-fiction and maybe even horror stories. As a matter of fact, I already have been working on this, and I am REALLY enjoying it!
So... I guess that's it. Reading new and different books is a good thing. Forcing myself to read things I don't enjoy does nothing but make me not want to read. So I wasn't willing to just give up on my resolution, but I needed to change it to something I can be aware of and work on, but that is still enjoyable for myself. We all good with this plan? GOOD!
*Speaking of Divergent, you guys. YOU GUYS. Have you read this yet? I just reread it to get ready for book two, and although it is talking MORE about young adult distopian societies, I am going to go ahead and tell you to read it. I mean, maybe your reading comfort zone is memoirs and historical nonfiction, and I am doing you a FAVOR HERE. Go get Divergent. Read it. Come back and tell me how awesome it is.
**Also, go read Ready Player One. It is awesome. Like it is now one of my favorite books kinda awesome. It makes my nerdy heart happy.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Wild Nights
You know how people say when you have kids you stop having wild nights? Well, I am here to prove them wrong! I mean, sure, back when I was in college a wild Saturday night* was full of dancing and drinking and general mayhem. But THESE DAYS, they include things like tattoos.
Or for those in the know...we refer to them at tats.
Some may frown upon the idea of allowing young children to ink their bodies while under the age of three, but we are hard core like that in this family
.
Cars for life, man. Cars for life.
*for the sake of the blog post, we will just go with at least SOME of my college Saturday nights were full of this. Maybe not ALL of them. There is a small chance a few of them were full of card games or movies or maybe even catching up on entire seasons of Sex in the City and Survivor. Clearly I have always been a awesome.
**Thank you for your kind words on my last post about Nora. The entire situation is very complicated and utterly heartbreaking, but we truly appreciate the love and support you all have shown our family. xoxo
Or for those in the know...we refer to them at tats.
Some may frown upon the idea of allowing young children to ink their bodies while under the age of three, but we are hard core like that in this family
.
Cars for life, man. Cars for life.
*for the sake of the blog post, we will just go with at least SOME of my college Saturday nights were full of this. Maybe not ALL of them. There is a small chance a few of them were full of card games or movies or maybe even catching up on entire seasons of Sex in the City and Survivor. Clearly I have always been a awesome.
**Thank you for your kind words on my last post about Nora. The entire situation is very complicated and utterly heartbreaking, but we truly appreciate the love and support you all have shown our family. xoxo
Friday, April 13, 2012
Our Sweet Nora
Yesterday I got a comment on the Easter post where someone asked the question I have been figuring several of you have been thinking for weeks now. Where is Sweet Nora? I talked with Boo last night and said it was okay for me to share the answer with you all.
Sometimes things are so utterly heartbreaking that they are impossible to talk about. For the last several weeks our family has been dealing with one of those heart breaks. Our sweet Nora is no longer with us. She has gone home to be with her birth mother.
She was with us, completely a part of our family, for ten weeks. And the hurt that comes with this loss is not something I will talk about much on here after today.
Not because it isn't worth talking about, but really because it is too personal. Too raw, and completely my sister's story.
We do know that this is the birth mother's right to take her home. She has her reasons which are personal and very complicated. But this loss, oh how it hurts our hearts.
It is hard to believe that things will ever feel okay. But they will. She will be loved by her birth mother. By her mother. And my sister will survive this. We all will. Somehow.
But for today, for these last several weeks, for the next few months, we feel crushed by this loss.
She will be loved, she will be safe. But oh how she was loved here. How she still is.
How she always, always will be.
My sister will not be pursuing another adoption. She is done and is very thankful for Cici. Thank you all for your support and love of our family.
Sometimes things are so utterly heartbreaking that they are impossible to talk about. For the last several weeks our family has been dealing with one of those heart breaks. Our sweet Nora is no longer with us. She has gone home to be with her birth mother.
She was with us, completely a part of our family, for ten weeks. And the hurt that comes with this loss is not something I will talk about much on here after today.
Not because it isn't worth talking about, but really because it is too personal. Too raw, and completely my sister's story.
We do know that this is the birth mother's right to take her home. She has her reasons which are personal and very complicated. But this loss, oh how it hurts our hearts.
It is hard to believe that things will ever feel okay. But they will. She will be loved by her birth mother. By her mother. And my sister will survive this. We all will. Somehow.
But for today, for these last several weeks, for the next few months, we feel crushed by this loss.
She will be loved, she will be safe. But oh how she was loved here. How she still is.
How she always, always will be.
My sister will not be pursuing another adoption. She is done and is very thankful for Cici. Thank you all for your support and love of our family.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Easter at the Farm
Okay, so I don't have a TON of time right this very second. Work is a little crazy, and I really shouldn't take on a task as large as posting ALL the Easter pictures, but I feel the pressure to get them posted breathing down my neck. There is a blogging window for major holidays (in my own head) that says really, they should be wrapped up within 3-4 days of said holiday. And today IS DAY FOUR. So, HERE WE GO! Easter at the farm:
Let's just go ahead and start with my very favorite picture... how sweet is this?
Also, THIS.
And maybe this too...
And lets not forget this one of Missy that I found on my camera when I was loading everything yesterday. Just awesome.
Oh and this one of Boo and Cici. Man, I have a lot of favorites this year...
Let's see... what else. There were egg hunts! Henry and Cici had so many eggs that their baskets were overflowing. It led to one of those American Funniest Video type situations where they would bend over to get an egg, only to have three fall out of their basket. They would then turn around and see the three laying on the ground and be like "EGGS!" It was very enjoyable.
And there was the annual adult hunt too, which was just was Hunger Games like as you might imagine. Every man for themselves and all that. We take our egg hunt seriously. There is a lifetime supply of Reeses eggs out there. Also, there is money.
LOOK! It's my cousin Emily and her fiance. This somehow is the only picture they are in. SHAME
Actually, LOTS of people were at the farm for Easter. Like my other cousin (actually ALL of my cousins from my moms side!) and my grandparents and aunts. My parents. You know, FAMILY. And yet... the pictures of them are sorta lacking this year.
But if it's BABY pictures you are interested in...
Those we have plenty of!
Also there is one of me. Just to prove I was in attendance.
Also, a beautiful dog was with us. She loves the farm.
All in all, it was a perfect Easter. I love our family tradition of spending it at the farm. Someone else loves it too, even if it wears him out. This was him before we even hit the end of the driveway on the trip home.
Let's just go ahead and start with my very favorite picture... how sweet is this?
Also, THIS.
And maybe this too...
And lets not forget this one of Missy that I found on my camera when I was loading everything yesterday. Just awesome.
Oh and this one of Boo and Cici. Man, I have a lot of favorites this year...
Let's see... what else. There were egg hunts! Henry and Cici had so many eggs that their baskets were overflowing. It led to one of those American Funniest Video type situations where they would bend over to get an egg, only to have three fall out of their basket. They would then turn around and see the three laying on the ground and be like "EGGS!" It was very enjoyable.
And there was the annual adult hunt too, which was just was Hunger Games like as you might imagine. Every man for themselves and all that. We take our egg hunt seriously. There is a lifetime supply of Reeses eggs out there. Also, there is money.
LOOK! It's my cousin Emily and her fiance. This somehow is the only picture they are in. SHAME
Actually, LOTS of people were at the farm for Easter. Like my other cousin (actually ALL of my cousins from my moms side!) and my grandparents and aunts. My parents. You know, FAMILY. And yet... the pictures of them are sorta lacking this year.
But if it's BABY pictures you are interested in...
Those we have plenty of!
Also there is one of me. Just to prove I was in attendance.
Also, a beautiful dog was with us. She loves the farm.
All in all, it was a perfect Easter. I love our family tradition of spending it at the farm. Someone else loves it too, even if it wears him out. This was him before we even hit the end of the driveway on the trip home.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Accepted
I have a million Easter pictures to show you. No really, A MILLION. But I haven't had a second to get them loaded to the computer, so you must wait just a little while longer. For today I wanted to tell you about something completely non-Easter related. I received my acceptance letter to the Masters of Public Health program!
You guys, I am seriously excited. I applied to be apart of the Health Behavior program, focusing on Women's Health and infertility. My letter came with this packet that said they are a top 25 school of public health in the nation. Not too shabby! And after talking with people in the program and with the difficulty of the application process, I realized it was not a given that I would get accepted. Actually when I emailed a question after my acceptance letter came, the director was like "Oh, I didn't realize you worked here." Which made me feel like my employee status had nothing to do with me getting in. And that is a nice feeling.
So anyway, I am now OFFICIALLY a MPH student. I am hoping to take a class in the summer and then MAYBE even two in the fall. Things are getting crazy around here. But for now, I am really proud of what I have accomplished. It feels good to be working towards something I care about.
As a random add on, I am in the running for a blogger book reviewing award. If you have a goodreads account and would like to vote for me, I would appreciate it!
You guys, I am seriously excited. I applied to be apart of the Health Behavior program, focusing on Women's Health and infertility. My letter came with this packet that said they are a top 25 school of public health in the nation. Not too shabby! And after talking with people in the program and with the difficulty of the application process, I realized it was not a given that I would get accepted. Actually when I emailed a question after my acceptance letter came, the director was like "Oh, I didn't realize you worked here." Which made me feel like my employee status had nothing to do with me getting in. And that is a nice feeling.
So anyway, I am now OFFICIALLY a MPH student. I am hoping to take a class in the summer and then MAYBE even two in the fall. Things are getting crazy around here. But for now, I am really proud of what I have accomplished. It feels good to be working towards something I care about.
As a random add on, I am in the running for a blogger book reviewing award. If you have a goodreads account and would like to vote for me, I would appreciate it!
Monday, April 9, 2012
A Follow Up to the Follow Up
On Friday I went back to the doctor. I know, right? It's like I am attempting to set a world record for how many times I can go to the OB/GYN when not pregnant or even attempting to become pregnant. I hate going, I am embarrassed to keep going, but the fact was I felt terrible. I felt like something was wrong and I thought if I didn't go in, I would end up in the ER at some point this weekend. So... back I went. Again.
Let's back up. Last Tuesday I started feeling really bad again. Terrible sharp shooting pain on my left side that had me doubled over, even when on pain medication. I was cramping and bleeding more than before AND one of my incisions was infected and oozing a white/yellow puss. Did I forget to mention this post might be disgusting and if medical complaints make you queezy you might want to skip it? I did? Well, too late. You now know about the puss and you can't UNknow something like that. Welcome to Nick's world.
So anyway, I called on Wednesday to be like "um... I sorta feel terrible, but I THINK I feel better today than yesterday. Also, there is puss." And they were like, "Well... wait it out since you feel better. Put on that antibiotic cream we gave you for said puss last week. Call us if you need us." So I went about my business on Wednesday and Thursday but by Thursday afternoon I was just feeling like garbage and I called and made the appointment. Now remember, my last appointment ended in me sitting there in tears and my doctor basically being like "you are okay! It will get better. See ya later!" So I didn't really know what to expect. Is there really any reason to go back? He said to just give it time. But is it normal to feel THIS bad a month after surgery?
So anyway, I went in. I sat down with the nurse and I bawled my eyes out. Seriously. Like it was embarrassing. But you all, I felt SO BAD. It hurts to stand up. Randomly, for no reason, I just start having sharp shooting pains. It hurts to empty my bladder. IT HURTS ALL THE TIME. So I tell her through my sobs, and I tell her I know I was just there a week ago, but I feel like something is wrong. Then the doctor comes in and it is much of the same. Sobbing, all day, all the time. He tells me he was worried about me when I left last week. That they had a meeting about me. That he wants to do an ultrasound to check on the IUD but that a cyst wouldn't come back that fast because he removed the entire thing. He looks at my belly button and said "Yes... that is definitely puss." He cleans it out, which he felt terrible about and said he knew it hurt. I said it's sorta like when someone says "punch me in the arm so I don't notice my broken leg." It was fine. The pain was NOTHING compared to the pain on my left side.
So anyway, this is long and rambling. He did an ultrasound and....wait for it.... THERE WAS INDEED A NEW CYST ALREADY. Yeah. On that same ovary where he took out the huge cyst and ALSO removed part of the ovary to boot. A new cyst. He said it wasn't that big, and hopefully it will go away on it's own, but it helps to explain the pain. He put me on two new pain medications and anti-inflammatory meds that I am to take three times a day no matter if I start to feel better or not. He put me on a crazy strong antibiotic to help the puss situation that I have to take four times a day. I am heavily medicated and it seems to be helping. Although, as I sit here and type this my left side is killing me. So there is still that. Plus the antibiotic makes my stomach upset, so add that to my current list of complaints. Good times.
He suggested going back on Lupron for six months, something I am not excited about but am willing to try. We talked hysterectomy, which was really a first. We both agree we want to try to avoid it as long as possible. He is worried about me losing the ability to have children, but I have accepted that to be something that is no longer in my future either way. For now, I just want to feel better. Hopefully I am on the right track. At least I feel like they listened at this appointment. At least I feel like they are trying.
Let's back up. Last Tuesday I started feeling really bad again. Terrible sharp shooting pain on my left side that had me doubled over, even when on pain medication. I was cramping and bleeding more than before AND one of my incisions was infected and oozing a white/yellow puss. Did I forget to mention this post might be disgusting and if medical complaints make you queezy you might want to skip it? I did? Well, too late. You now know about the puss and you can't UNknow something like that. Welcome to Nick's world.
So anyway, I called on Wednesday to be like "um... I sorta feel terrible, but I THINK I feel better today than yesterday. Also, there is puss." And they were like, "Well... wait it out since you feel better. Put on that antibiotic cream we gave you for said puss last week. Call us if you need us." So I went about my business on Wednesday and Thursday but by Thursday afternoon I was just feeling like garbage and I called and made the appointment. Now remember, my last appointment ended in me sitting there in tears and my doctor basically being like "you are okay! It will get better. See ya later!" So I didn't really know what to expect. Is there really any reason to go back? He said to just give it time. But is it normal to feel THIS bad a month after surgery?
So anyway, I went in. I sat down with the nurse and I bawled my eyes out. Seriously. Like it was embarrassing. But you all, I felt SO BAD. It hurts to stand up. Randomly, for no reason, I just start having sharp shooting pains. It hurts to empty my bladder. IT HURTS ALL THE TIME. So I tell her through my sobs, and I tell her I know I was just there a week ago, but I feel like something is wrong. Then the doctor comes in and it is much of the same. Sobbing, all day, all the time. He tells me he was worried about me when I left last week. That they had a meeting about me. That he wants to do an ultrasound to check on the IUD but that a cyst wouldn't come back that fast because he removed the entire thing. He looks at my belly button and said "Yes... that is definitely puss." He cleans it out, which he felt terrible about and said he knew it hurt. I said it's sorta like when someone says "punch me in the arm so I don't notice my broken leg." It was fine. The pain was NOTHING compared to the pain on my left side.
So anyway, this is long and rambling. He did an ultrasound and....wait for it.... THERE WAS INDEED A NEW CYST ALREADY. Yeah. On that same ovary where he took out the huge cyst and ALSO removed part of the ovary to boot. A new cyst. He said it wasn't that big, and hopefully it will go away on it's own, but it helps to explain the pain. He put me on two new pain medications and anti-inflammatory meds that I am to take three times a day no matter if I start to feel better or not. He put me on a crazy strong antibiotic to help the puss situation that I have to take four times a day. I am heavily medicated and it seems to be helping. Although, as I sit here and type this my left side is killing me. So there is still that. Plus the antibiotic makes my stomach upset, so add that to my current list of complaints. Good times.
He suggested going back on Lupron for six months, something I am not excited about but am willing to try. We talked hysterectomy, which was really a first. We both agree we want to try to avoid it as long as possible. He is worried about me losing the ability to have children, but I have accepted that to be something that is no longer in my future either way. For now, I just want to feel better. Hopefully I am on the right track. At least I feel like they listened at this appointment. At least I feel like they are trying.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Happy Easter!
Happy Easter Everyone!
We almost forgot to take the babies to see the Easter Bunny this year. I woke up yesterday and was looking at Facebook and realized so many people were posting bunny pictures. Then it hit me... TOMORROW IS EASTER! Not that I forgot exactly, but I had somehow not put together that after Easter the Easter Bunny goes away and is no longer available for pictures for a calender year. Not a bad career choice, Mr. Bunny.
So I called up Boo and we ran to see him. We had high hopes that everyone else was smarter than us and had their Easter Bunny visit completed weeks ago. Alas, that was not the case. The wait was over an hour.
But totally worth it. (For the record, Henry's first Easter with the live bunnies they were tiny. Then last year, they were a little bigger... and now THIS year they seem gigantic! I have a feeling Henry is growing up with the same Easter Bunnies at the picture place. When they go back to tiny, it will be sad sad day.)
In case you were wondering, Henry did also sit with the giant (terrifying) Easter bunny as well. I just like the pictures with the live bunnies better. Cici took some pictures with him too, but it would be cruel to share them with you. She was not a happy girl.
Anyway, Happy Easter! Hope you all have a wonderful holiday.
We almost forgot to take the babies to see the Easter Bunny this year. I woke up yesterday and was looking at Facebook and realized so many people were posting bunny pictures. Then it hit me... TOMORROW IS EASTER! Not that I forgot exactly, but I had somehow not put together that after Easter the Easter Bunny goes away and is no longer available for pictures for a calender year. Not a bad career choice, Mr. Bunny.
So I called up Boo and we ran to see him. We had high hopes that everyone else was smarter than us and had their Easter Bunny visit completed weeks ago. Alas, that was not the case. The wait was over an hour.
But totally worth it. (For the record, Henry's first Easter with the live bunnies they were tiny. Then last year, they were a little bigger... and now THIS year they seem gigantic! I have a feeling Henry is growing up with the same Easter Bunnies at the picture place. When they go back to tiny, it will be sad sad day.)
In case you were wondering, Henry did also sit with the giant (terrifying) Easter bunny as well. I just like the pictures with the live bunnies better. Cici took some pictures with him too, but it would be cruel to share them with you. She was not a happy girl.
Anyway, Happy Easter! Hope you all have a wonderful holiday.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Our Shadow
Angry Birds go everywhere with him now. They get tucked in at night and chirp "good morning" from his bed when he wakes up. They ride on our shoulder and we are told several times a day "Say Hello little birdie!" They share his food and his drinks, they share his toys and his bed. They are beloved.
When we accidentally left them at Aunt Boo's house the other day we were not even a block away when he said "Mama... ANGRY BIRDS! I NEED TO HOOOOOOOLD THEM!" As we turned the car around he said "Thank you Mama, THANK YOU!"
We were at Grandaddy's Castle the other day for Nicks birthday and Star Wars was on TV. We didn't notice how fascinated he was until it was time to eat cake. As we all sat around the table he stayed right where he was. Just watching. We said "Henry! There is chocolate cake here!! CHOCOLATE CAKE!!" He slowly turned his head to look at us, then just turned back to the movie. As if he was saying "You guys... how can you think about CAKE when something THIS AWESOME EXISTS." It must be in his genes.
He wants to help with everything we do. He has become a shadow of both me and Nick, and it is amazing and overwhelming at the same time. When it's time to start dinner he runs to the kitchen and says "Henry needs to Help MAMA! GET STOOL!" And I look at him and he adds "GET STOOL PLEEEAAASE!" He holds my hand as I peel and dice. He adds ingredients to the bowl, he cracks the eggs. "Henry helping!" he tells me again and again.
In the yard with Nick, pulling weeds or carrying in wood for the next big project. In the laundry room with me, handing me each article of clothing out the the dryer. Henry is our little shadow, always helping, and as he helps, he just fills my heart.
I am starting to plan his third birthday. Three. How can he nearly be three? He seems like such a baby, and yet... not really. In these three years he has gone from a newborn to being his very own person. His own little self. his Angry Bird and Star Wars loving, kind, sweet, helpful self.
Sometimes he looks at me and will say "I love you, Mama! I LOVE YOU!"
Right back at you baby. I love you more than I can say. But I keep trying.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Born Wicked: A BlogHer Book Club Review
This is a paid review for the BlogHer Book Club. As always, all my thoughts and opinions about these books are my own. I can't help it if I happen to love everything they have sent me lately. It's just that there have been some excelent Book Club choices, not that I am bribed. I swear.
So Born Wicked by Jessica Spotswood, the newest BlogHer Book Club book, has become my newest book obsession. I keep googling it to see when the second book comes out, I might have even ventured onto a few fan sights that have casting pictures of people they want to play the main characters. I am hooked. My one and only complaint about the book is that there isn't MORE of it. that it stops, and just LEAVES ME with the old "book two... coming in 2013". STAB ME IN THE EYE. I NEED IT NOW. (said in my best Veruca Salt voice while stomping my foot.)
Let's step back a minute. I just realized I went all GIVE ME BOOK TWO on you all before I told you about the story. Born Wicked is a new young adult book series (good lord, I love me some young adult fiction) set in the late 1800's in an alternate History from the one we know. In the world of Born Wicked the Salem witches were truly witches and the Brotherhood had to step in and put an end to all witchcraft. Now the world is run by the Brotherhood and women are meant to be seen and not heard. The weaker, the meeker, the less opinionated the better. No doubt about it, Born Wicked is a man's world. So when the story opens with the tale of the three Cahill witch sisters, who's witch mother died three years ago and left them with little training and no advice, you can tell they are in for some trouble.
Cate, the oldest sister and main character of the book, has spent the last three years trying to protect her little sisters from being discovered as the witches they are. But as her seventeenth birthday approaches she is forced to make decisions about all of their futures. She has to choose a husband, join the Sisterhood, or allow the brotherhood to choose a husband for her. There is a small love triangle, but don't let that put you off of this story. There is so much more than that. There are prophesies and magic, there are secrets and lies, and most importantly there is a strong amazing leading character who will do anything for her beloved sisters.
So in it's own way, Born Wicked it's sorta a dystopian society gone back in time full of witches. I gotta tell you, I love the twist, and I loved the book. It is a quick easy read, but the characters have stayed with me and I can't wait to pick up book two and see what happens next.
We will be discussing Born Wicked over at BlogHer for the next several weeks. Come join in the conversation!
So Born Wicked by Jessica Spotswood, the newest BlogHer Book Club book, has become my newest book obsession. I keep googling it to see when the second book comes out, I might have even ventured onto a few fan sights that have casting pictures of people they want to play the main characters. I am hooked. My one and only complaint about the book is that there isn't MORE of it. that it stops, and just LEAVES ME with the old "book two... coming in 2013". STAB ME IN THE EYE. I NEED IT NOW. (said in my best Veruca Salt voice while stomping my foot.)
Let's step back a minute. I just realized I went all GIVE ME BOOK TWO on you all before I told you about the story. Born Wicked is a new young adult book series (good lord, I love me some young adult fiction) set in the late 1800's in an alternate History from the one we know. In the world of Born Wicked the Salem witches were truly witches and the Brotherhood had to step in and put an end to all witchcraft. Now the world is run by the Brotherhood and women are meant to be seen and not heard. The weaker, the meeker, the less opinionated the better. No doubt about it, Born Wicked is a man's world. So when the story opens with the tale of the three Cahill witch sisters, who's witch mother died three years ago and left them with little training and no advice, you can tell they are in for some trouble.
Cate, the oldest sister and main character of the book, has spent the last three years trying to protect her little sisters from being discovered as the witches they are. But as her seventeenth birthday approaches she is forced to make decisions about all of their futures. She has to choose a husband, join the Sisterhood, or allow the brotherhood to choose a husband for her. There is a small love triangle, but don't let that put you off of this story. There is so much more than that. There are prophesies and magic, there are secrets and lies, and most importantly there is a strong amazing leading character who will do anything for her beloved sisters.
So in it's own way, Born Wicked it's sorta a dystopian society gone back in time full of witches. I gotta tell you, I love the twist, and I loved the book. It is a quick easy read, but the characters have stayed with me and I can't wait to pick up book two and see what happens next.
We will be discussing Born Wicked over at BlogHer for the next several weeks. Come join in the conversation!
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
A Good Day to Live in Kentucky
I don't know if you heard....
Photo by Chris Graythen/Getty Images
But something sorta amazing happened last night for my little state.
photo from twitter account @BeisnerKSR
Our boys won their 8th National Championship.
Photo by Chris Graythen/Getty Images
And it's sorta hard to explain to someone not from around here what a big deal this is to us...
photo by KSR College
But this is what it looked like a mile from my house last night at midnight. Thousands of people flocking into the streets to celebrate the win.
Not to say we were there... we are old and have a baby. But we found ways to celebrate.
Things. Got. Crazy.
Great job fellas. Thanks for the win. It feels good to be champions again.
Photo by Chris Graythen/Getty Images
But something sorta amazing happened last night for my little state.
photo from twitter account @BeisnerKSR
Our boys won their 8th National Championship.
Photo by Chris Graythen/Getty Images
And it's sorta hard to explain to someone not from around here what a big deal this is to us...
photo by KSR College
But this is what it looked like a mile from my house last night at midnight. Thousands of people flocking into the streets to celebrate the win.
Not to say we were there... we are old and have a baby. But we found ways to celebrate.
Things. Got. Crazy.
Great job fellas. Thanks for the win. It feels good to be champions again.
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