In a strange way I feel like my decision to have the IUD placed, the jump from hoping for more to closing the door, was very swift and sudden and done without any thought beyond "How do I make this pain stop?". Or maybe it was so slow and drawn out that when it was time for the decision there was really nothing to say beyond "it's time". We knew it was coming, we knew the chances of more were so unlikely, that there were no tears when the IUD made Henry's only child status official. In a strange way it was a relief. A relief from the monthly cycle of ups and downs, of hope and heartbreak. A relief from the dream of something that was not meant to be.
A year ago this week we came to the end of our final FET. The heartbreak from that time still weighs heavy on my heart. I think of how hopeful we were then. How I truly believed we would have another. that we were meant to be a family of four. But one year, two surgeries and one removed ovary later, my only deep feeling on the subject is not that I am broken from the loss of the idea of another, its simply to thank God we have Sweet Henry. Thank god for our one, because it so easily could have been none.
How do I feel about being the parent of an only child? My one baby is enough. He is more than enough, he is my heart and soul. It may not be what I would have chosen, but one is so very much better than zero. Our family of three is pretty amazing. I am happy. We are happy. And I no longer feel like someone is missing. He is one and we are three. I have found peace in three. I love three. Three might be my new favorite number.
He will always be enough.
This is really beautiful and I too love the "some of us feel lucky" answer.
ReplyDeleteThank God for Sweet Henry <3.
ReplyDeleteI'm thankful that I was able to say something spoke to someone--and your last paragraph describes exactly how I feel.
ReplyDeleteWe're not quite done trying, but we're close. I had five pregnancies in four years, and that includes my full-term pregnancy with Baguette. We would love to give her a little brother or sister, but if we don't, our family is still complete.
Once again, your eloquent words have brought me to tears. "Sweet Henry" is blessed to have you as his sweet mama.
ReplyDeleteThis is just so beautiful! Thank you so much for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI have been finding it hurts less deeply now than it did a few months back when we went through the whole "can we face another pregnancy?" "no we can't" "oh God that means this is it for us!" "I hate my body" cycle. I guess it really is a case of time slowly working away on these things until eventually you reach the kind of peace you're at now.
I guess what I have been figuring out is that even though we feel Oscar is a huge blessing for us, it doesn't mean we can't feel sad at the chances we wish we could have had. And equally, just because we feel sad that doesn't mean we cannot truly love, cherish and honour the blessing that we have.
We've got a long way to go until we're at the peace you're at, but you give me hope that we'll get there! And I am just so happy that you have reached such a place xx
I keep thinking of that SchoolHouse Rock song:
ReplyDelete"A man and a woman had a little baby,
Yes, they did.
They had three in the family,
And that's a magic number."
i have read your blog for some time and really understand this post completely. I used to cringe everytime someone would say "is this your only one?". Now, I do feel blessed to be able to say yes. Thank God for my one miracle!
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful and wise woman you are! My eyes fill with tears as I read your sweet post. There are reasons for everything that happens...or doesn't happen...and though we may never find the answers, we can always find peace. Thankfulness is one of the important steps to peace.
ReplyDeleteHenry is very blessed to have the parents he has been given. You and Nick are so blessed to have your Henry. Three is an awesome number!! The elbow has "three" bones...the only joint in the body with three that is surrounded by one capsule...ELBOWS are FREAKING important, girlfriend!!! Humans percive white light in "three" colors: red, green, blue...(which one are you? (Never miss the chance to rhyme))
Yep, You gotta love the three...It's been working for the trinity before the beginning of time...:O)
And, so...again, I am so proud to read your posting and be reminded how lovely you are.
This comment is coming from someone who struggled with staying pregnant...This is the most peaceful blog entry. I am so happy for you! Snuggle into your peace :).
ReplyDeleteI love this and the simplicity of the statement that brought you peace! I always enjoy reading your posts, you've brought a beautiful voice to the fertility community and Henry is such a perfect "ONLY." Enjoy him!
ReplyDeleteThis is a conclusion that I, too, have had to come to. It's not an easy struggle to get there, but once you're there and you realize that the one you have really does make your family complete, then it becomes quite peaceful. The stress of TTC for #2 was really difficult and the peace that has followed has been wonderful. I still have my moments where the idea of a new baby is nice, but I just hang out with friends who have more than one child and I scoop up my ONLY with so much more peace, knowing that what we have is perfect!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. This is exactly what I needed today!
ReplyDeleteHere from Mel's 400th Roundup & this post really resonates with me as I have had to come to terms this year that in all likelihood my daughter will be an only child. Thank you for writing this.
ReplyDeleteWOW! Tears are filling my eyes as I sit and contemplate this post more deeply. We've only recently gotten our one. I still have hope that we will have a second, but if that doesn't work, your post is exactly how I hope to feel and think I will feel. Thank you for expressing this so well.
ReplyDelete(I'm going to bookmark this so I can come back to it when I need a reminder.)
"Thank god for our one, because it so easily could have been none." It's true, isn't it? At some point, we wake up past the worst of our brokenness and see our blessings in a whole new light. It may not be what we wanted, but it is so much more than what we expected.
ReplyDeleteAwesome - there is absolutely a period where we all look at our personal infertile fate and wish it was not something we were facing. Good for you for looking at the sunny side and finding peace and happiness with the hand you were given. Henry is one lucky little boy!
ReplyDeleteHere from CdlC.
ReplyDeleteThis post touches exactly what I've been thinking lately about my lucky only.
Here from Creme. I loved this piece. I haven't found the peace that you have yet but I hope that I do some day. Thanks for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteThank-you for this. I'm working on settling in to this reality myself, and I enjoyed your words.
ReplyDeleteI agree, thank-you for sharing. I too am a Mother of one, beautiful, caring, smart and God given child. I am currently struggling with and trying to come to peace with the realization that she will be my only child. Your words give me strength that I too will be at peace and not feel like a piece of me is still missing. 3 has always been my "lucky" number ;)
ReplyDeleteHere from Creme- 3 is my favorite number! I'm glad that you have peace with your decision to stop treatments.
ReplyDeleteI remember this from when I first read it in July. And it still resonates with me. So glad to see it on the Creme de la Creme.
ReplyDeleteHere from the Creme. This post resonated with me. We are about to start the process of trying to make our E. (an IVF/ICSI baby after three years of waiting) a big brother.
ReplyDeleteI hope to be a family of four, but if we are meant to be just three, I hope I can eventually find as much peace with that as you have.
Thank you.
T.
Here from the Creme. We were ttc and pregnant with #1 at around the same time, and I have followed your journey off and on over the years. This post did my heart good. I'm so glad that you're in a good place with the number three. I'm working on it as well.
ReplyDeleteHere from the Creme.
ReplyDeleteHere from the Creme. Great post.
ReplyDeleteIs there anything better one can say to a child than to let them know that they are enough? Lovely post.
ReplyDelete