Checking In

Still here. Still making it.

I have had some hard days this week, and some days that were sort of okay.  Ups and downs and all that jazz.

 I am pouring a lot of my time, energy and brain power into getting caught up with my classes.  Midterms are next week, and taking over two weeks off of a grad level biostatistics is one of those things that may not be highly recommended, especially for the full time working mom.  But my professors have both been AMAZING and since I seem to find a little comfort in the feeling of being really busy, it is all working out.   I know that my brain is different from most peoples, but working out the answer to a really complicated math problem is exactly what I need sometimes to make myself feel better :) 

It is strange how this grief sneaks up on you.  You fear it, and then it's here and you think "This is different than I thought... I can live with this".  And you do.  You go on living, but then you start to crack, the numbness starts to wane, and you are left with this deep, heartbreaking ache in your chest which has you questioning again if you can survive this, because yes it is different than you thought, but it is still pretty damn awful.

But I am surviving it, it is just taking time, and it is taking me not obsessing about how I will live with it tomorrow or next week or next year.  I am just taking each day as they come, because it is as good as I can do for now. I can survive this minute without her, I can survive this hour. I am letting myself cry when I need to, which is turning into more and more.  I am talking to her a lot.  At first in my head, then I worried she might not hear that, so I started talking out loud.  And that is hard too, but in a strange way it makes it feel more real, and it makes me feel better... once I become accustomed to each days heartbreak. 


So yeah. I am here. I am making it. We are doing... okay. A day at a time.