I can't believe I wont see her again on this side of eternity.
I can't believe how I can't believe it, even though we knew what was coming. But then again, how do you prepare yourself for something like this?
Yesterday we went to a service Missy's work held for her. It was really nice. And somehow there is comfort is seeing how much she was loved.
I may not be grieving as much with tears, but my body is grieving hard. This cough I have had since the hospital seems to be actually my inability to catch my breath.
My chest hurts, like my heart is actually breaking. I am not sleeping, I am just thinking...and missing her.
I have realized how much I am avoiding people. I have a digital stack of emails and messages that I read, then just close without replying. I am not seeing people or talking to people beyond texting. I just... am not up for it. Not just yet.
In a lot of ways, although my mind knows she is gone, my heart seems to be so sure she is just not here with me right this second. She is at her apartment, or maybe out of town, but definitely not gone. Not GONE gone.
I just don't know. Good days, bad days. Today is shaping up to be a bad day. Because we are at two weeks, and that doesn't sound that long... but it already feels way to long to have had to go without hugging my sister.
My heart is breaking for you and your family. Sending you lots of love....
ReplyDeleteI can feel your pain through the post. I want you to know I'm here. Fran
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ReplyDeleteI noticed the 2nd picture from the bottom the most. You two have the EXACT same smile. Look in the mirror and smile, Missy will be smiling right back at you. Wishing you the best.
ReplyDeleteSome mornings I wake up & her being gone is the first thing that crosses my mind. On other days I feel like she's just at her apartment & I haven't seen her lately. On those days I find painful reminders in the little things. I miss her so much. I always will.
ReplyDeleteMy heart is aching for you. Just remember that at this point all you are expected to do is breath. Just breath. If you wake up tomorrow and all you manage to do is breath then you will be ok. I lost my brother 6 years ago (can't even believe I'm saying it's been that long now) and I promise you that nothing else matter right now. Eat what you can, drink what you can, shower when you feel like it. But if you don't feel like returning to life yet, don't. It will come with time. My prayers are with you and your family as always (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteJust had to say, you've been in my thoughts a lot lately with the loss of your sister. I decided to read through some of your old posts that I remembered reading just because the words of those posts started to replay as I have been going through a similar situation. We recently did our "last try IVF" for a sibling. We had 2 beautiful embryos and got a BFN. It's helped me a lot to read some of those old posts over the past few days. Everything from the shock that it really didn't work, not knowing how to let go of the dream of filling that empty 4th chair at the table, not knowing how to let go of the envy for those that get pregnant easily, and not knowing how to stop paying attention to every damn detail of my fertility (or lack thereof) throughout the month. I am tired of holding onto false hope that maybe it could just happen naturally. All that shit. So thanks for all those posts from when you were going through your FET's. Hope you remember me, I had a blog about doing IVF for my rainbow baby after my first was stillborn. Hoping to get a blog going again eventually. I use to have people tell me how much my blog helped them, now I'm the one needing to feel like I'm not alone and your old posts did that for me. :)
ReplyDeleteI have been wanting to leave you a comment all week on one of your posts, but just couldn't get it to work on my phone. But you have been in my thoughts constantly!
ReplyDeleteTake all the time you need to grieve in whichever way feels right at any moment in time. Tim did sessions on grief when working at the hospital and the one thing they were told to always remember is that grief is different for everybody, and that as well as grieving in individual ways, the grieving process is not linear or measurable. you don't go through stages, never to return to them. One day might be good, but the next might be bad. And that it totally normal and nobody should ever try to rush you through that process. Those who love and care for you will support you, whichever way you need. If you need to read messages and leave them without a reply, people will understand! If you want to be alone, or with family, people will understand. And if you find yourself not wanting to be alone, people will be there to rally round you!
All our love is coming your way xx
I've been thinking about you a lot!
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