A Month Gone By

One Month.  How can it have been that long already?

I feel a little lost today.   At 2am I woke up and thought, Here it is.  'A month since we lost her.'  And for the most part, every moment of this day since that 2am thought,  I have been thinking of little else.  Of our sweet Missy.  Of how much I miss her.  Of how I cannot believe it's already been a month.  How it is so unfair that the number of days and weeks, months and years will continue to tick by and I will keep thinking, again and again, how I can't believe it's been THIS long since we were together.

It is heartbreaking, in it's own way, how mommy blogs are usually for counting up the months; the days and weeks and years as our babies grow.   And that the last time I had posts labeled two weeks and a month was for my sweet boy.  And that makes me think of my parents.  Of how my grief is so terrible, and yet theirs is so very much worse.  And I wish I knew what to do to help them, but since I don't know what I need, it is the blind leading the blind.

On Tuesday night my parents and I went to the monthly Compassionate Friends meeting at our local Hospice Center.  It is a support group for people who have lost a child, grandchild or sibling.  And in that room, surrounded by people who truly understood, I was overcome with my own grief.  Listening to these people who have lived through this for much longer than a month telling me that what I am feeling and thinking is absolutely normal was more comforting than I can say. But it was a hard two hours, emotional and full of raw grief.  My parents and I were not really able to talk or share, but being there, surrounded by others who have lost a beloved family member, it helped to feel less alone.

Days.  Weeks.  Now months.  People say to us "I don't know how you are doing it".  The truth is, I don't know either.  A minute at a time I guess.  But the truth is, I miss her so much my heart is absolutely shattered.  I do not know how I am doing this, but what I do know is that it is forever changing who I am.  I am not the same person I was a month ago.  I am more fragile; more delicate; and maybe a little stronger that I thought possible.

I miss her so much.  I miss her laugh, I miss her smile.  I miss her hugs and I miss the way she made me feel when we were together. I miss talking to her, and I miss just knowing she was always here for me.  And I know I am not alone in this grief.   I thank God for Nick, I can't imagine this month without his love and support. Boo, Chris and our parents; we are together as much as possible, and we are doing our best to lean on each other, and to accept the love and support of our family and friends who want to be here for us.

Henry put his head on my lap earlier this week and just let out a sad sigh.  I asked him what was wrong and he said  "I am just so sad Aunt Mimi died."

Me too baby, me too.