And Yet...

So tomorrow we officially begin our family vacation.   We have spent the week cleaning and organizing, so the house is lovely for the amazing Morgan who is house/dog sitting for the week.  We did general car maintenance and took care of the several shopping trips that are always required when you realize you have so much stuff, but not the RIGHT stuff for a week away from home.  The clothes are clean, the bags are being packed, we are ready to go.  And we are so excited to get our feet in the sand and have a family filled week of relaxation and quality time together.

And yet...

I hate that.  The 'and yet' that has to be part of our planning and life and joy since the loss of Missy. It's everywhere.  This underlining 'and yet...' or the 'but still...' or 'even though...' that feels the need to remind me, as if I could forget, that someone is missing. 

This is our family vacation.  My parents Boo, Chris, Darcy... we are going together.  Just like we always do.  Just like so many years since we were little.  Except this year, this time, everything is different.  And it is pulling on my heart like an actual weight.  The worry it will be too hard... and sometimes the worry that it wont be, and that there will be guilt about the fun and sun and relaxation we will enjoy without her with us.

We will miss her.  There is no doubt of that. There will be a constant feeling of incompleteness, which unfortunately our family is becoming familiar with when we are together.  There will be a hole, and I truly have no idea how that will impact this week.  All we knew was that we needed to go; that our family needs this time together.  That living and grieving have to go hand in hand.  So next week we will be at the beach together, and she will be there too, since she is with us always.  But not like she was last year, and not like she should be.  So like with everything  that happens in this life since we lost her, we are left looking forward to our trip, but plagued by the 'and yet...'

Last year's family vacation photo montage:


.