Post-Birthday Thoughts

Thank you all so much for all of your kind words, thoughts and your prayers for our family this week. Tuesday was harder than I expected.  I planned to go to work, but when I woke up I was just so... overwhelmed. So very heartbroken.  I couldn't seem to get the tears under control.  So I took the day and stayed home with Henry.

The morning saw a lot of tears and the always trusty TV as a babysitter. But around lunch I pulled myself together and suggested we have a picnic, just the two of us, in the back yard.  After that, was each painted a rock to be added to Missy's rock garden and I finally covered all the painted rocks in sealant so they could be left at the cemetery where, hopefully, the paint will stay in place.  We played chase around the yard and we swung on the swing set.  That sweet boy has a way of helping his Mama's heartache.

I always have a hard admitting something is too much for me, that I can't work because I am just so sad, or tired, or whatever it is I am pushing myself to ignore.  But Tuesday afternoon, in a way, I could hear Missy with her exasperated voice "You are too hard on yourself.  Sometimes it's OKAY to take a day off just to be sad.  You aren't superwoman.  JUST RELAX."  So that's what I tried to do.  I tried to listen to what I knew she would be saying. I tried to picture her rolling her eyes at me as I list off all the things I am doing.  I thought of her telling me to slow down.  Feel my feelings.  Take care of myself.

That night we went to my parents house for dinner as a family.  We had one of her favorite soups and her favorite cake.  We were all sad,  but we were okay.  My dad did have to work, and he said he had a good day.  He truly felt her with him the entire day.  And I think that was her too. She knew dad had to work, to be out there in the real world, so she was with him...making it easier. 

After dinner we all went to the cemetery together.  We had each been earlier in the day on our own, but as the sun started to set we each took a balloon and wrote a message on it to her.  We released them together, and watched them until they were gone.  And in a way, it helped to feel connected to her in the moment, on the evening of her birthday.  Henry struggled after the balloon release, but I think it was just his little emotions and exhaustion catching up with him.  It was a hard day in a lot of ways, we all had our breakdowns and tears.  But I think in the end, we all felt closer to her that day. And that's what a birthday should be about.