ANYWAY, we were going on a bike ride. NOTHING UNUSUAL ABOUT THAT. And as we were walking out of the front door a movement caught my eye. A really... unusual movement. Sorta like something slithering.
Oh god you guys, it was a FREAKING SNAKE.
A SNAAAAAAAAAAKE.
ON MY FREAKING FRONT PORCH.
NO I WILL NOT CALM DOWN.
SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE.
So, the SNAKE was maybe a foot long and about as big around as my thumb. It keeps getting longer in my head (MAYBE IT WAS TWO FEET???) but I am going to stick with my first analysis, which is around a foot. Here's the thing though...
THE THING BEYOND IT BEING A FREAKING SNAKE.
It is hard for me to judge how big it was because, you know it was SLITHERING, but it wasn't slithering AWAY from us. Oh no, that would be too easy for my NIGHTMARES. It was slithering TOWARDS US. So I was like, "Henry, is that... is that a SNAKE?!?!" Right as I saw the last eight inches or so start to disappear into a HOLE IN THE STEP. YOU KNOW, THE STEP I WAS STANDING ON THAT HOLDS THE DOOR TO OUR HOUSE.
NO I WILL NOT CALM DOWN. CAPS LOCK FOREVER!
A SNAKE LIVES IN A HOLE IN MY FRONT STEP.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
A SNAKE. UNDER THE STEP THAT LEADS TO OUR HOME. And there is a VENT Close to that door. OH GOD, I JUST THOUGHT OF THAT. A SNAKE SIZED VENT HAT GOES DIRECTLY INTO OUR HOOOOOUSE.
KILL ME NOW.
For the record, I was amazing calm about this all as it happened. Really, I was. I was more in shock because never in my life have I seen a snake anywhere around our neighborhood. So I lived in a snake free world. So when it was there I was like, "Could it be... no..." And then as it settled in that it WAS, it was already gone. There wasn't anything to do but walk on out, so I just let it go. Or so I thought.
But now, a day later, I keep thinking about it and... UGH. FREAKING SNAKE.
I guess I will break it to Nick tonight that we are going to need to move.
Soon.
Possibly my favorite post ever.
ReplyDeleteCAPS LOCK FOREVER!!!!!
But... I have my very own tale of woe involving things of the reptilian and/or amphibian nature. (Are toads reptiles? Amphbians? Should've paid attention in Freshman biology but no, too busy looking at Tayshawn.)
ReplyDeleteANYWAYS.
On Monday morning Mike didn't have to work so he decided to take Evie to Katie's house for drop off so I wouldn't have to make a trip to Lexington and back to work in Nicholasville. Plus, I get to take my sweet time getting ready when he takes her. So, they were all ready to go and they were getting in the car and the loving parent that I am, I go outside (barefoot) to tell them goodbye. And I walk through the garage (barefoot) and out into the driveway (barefoot) and over to the car to give them both goodbye kisses (barefoot.)
As I'm doing my motherly wave as they begin to back out of the driveway, I'm walking backwards (barefoot) and all of a sudden I feel something under my foot that is wet... and cold...
AND THEN IT POPS.
Like a water balloon.
And in my head, I literally thought, "Why did I just step on a water balloon?" but no.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
NOT A WATER BALLOON (CAPS LOCK FOREVER!)
A tiny frog (toad. Reptile. Amphibian. LIVING CREATURE.)
And I had stepped on it and all of this is happening in slow motion and my face goes from :) to 0_0 and then I look down... and the poor little thing is still alive except its guts are on the outside and the reality is beginning to hit me that I just mutilated a poor helpless frog and before Mike can get out of the driveway I start SCREEEEEAAAMING.
I'm jumping up and down (bra-less) and going, "I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry little frog! Oh my God, I'm going to throw up! I'm so sorry!" And Mike slams the car into park and gets out because he is in a state of utter confusion and Evie gets out totally freaked out because her mom is FLIPPING OUT and crying hysterically in the driveway.
Our neighbors love us.
So Mike gets out and I beg him, "Just put him out of his misery..." because the little thing was trying to hop away.
WHICH... SHOULD'VE DONE THAT EARLIER, GUY.
And Evie is going, "Mommy, please don't cry! Please don't cry!"
But alas, mommy was already crying. Literally doing the ugly cry in the middle of the driveway because I felt so bad. So I kissed Evie goodbye and went in the house and SOBBED because I had killed a poor little frog.
It was the saddest Monday.
"It was the saddest of Mondays"....
DeleteI just laughed ridiculously hard at this story.
UGH!!! PETRIFIED OF SNAKES!!!!
ReplyDelete