Embracing Grief

I decided late last week to take yesterday off work. I have learned over the last couple of years that, no matter how prepared I feel for it, February 8th is a very difficult day. 

When I woke up, I felt the tears in my eye and I was so happy that I allowed myself this time. Time to think of how much I miss her, to think of how unfair it all truly is.  I don't always do that.  You can't live drowning in grief, so while I always miss her, I don't often let myself be taken with the weight of the at loss.  Yesterday, I did. Not all day, but for a little while, I let myself embrace my grief.

I read over some of the blog posts surrounding those difficult days. I read over what we wrote for her service, and watched the video of pictures of her amazing life. I read over posts from a year after we lost her, and ones from two years.  I looked at the pictures from the #GreyforMissy days and I thought about how much love continues to flood our way as I read messages of love and support sent to me yesterday.

I let myself grieve for all I have lost. For all she has lost.  And I know not everyone needs that, that many people who lose a loved one shy away from pictures and heartbreaking words because it is just too hard. But I find I need that time. I need to let myself think about how deeply sad I am that she is not here. 

Henry was home sick yesterday, which was not part of the plan, but worked out just fine. He watched the video with me and asked lots of questions about his Aunt Mimi.  We talked about her, we laughed, I cried.  It was... I don't know. It was what I needed on a very hard day.

Thank you to those who reached out.  Thank you to those who didn't, but who thought of us over these last few days.  I know as time passes, this grief does not stay with others the way it stays with those closest to her. I understand that life moves forward, and I almost feel like it is odd to come back to this place and write again and again about my heartbreak. But I think in our society people become afraid to say "Still... I am still heartbroken.  I am okay, I am living life, I am happy.  But I am forever heartbroken."  I don't know why people don't say that. Maybe it's because they think people won't understand.  I guess I don't care if everyone understands. 

I still miss her. I am still heartbroken.

Always.